Monkey disco Oh my, Adam! This has to be the best post so far. It gets the mocking/missing combination just right.
Is anyone else so sick they're actually checking blogroots regularly, because Matt said the "other sites" would be up today?
I've read that message so many times I've begun to rewrite it in my mind. ;)
Posted by: Miguel on July 15, 2002 08:26 AMHaven't been there yet, but I have seen every posted image and video on The Site That Shall Not Be Named, have read every blog I can imagine, read the penis jokes from last night, laughed at Allen Iverson, watched the pikachu-humping dog (both the R. Kelly version and the N.E.R.D. "Lapdance" version), and began a site redesign for myself. When it comes down to it, though, a day off might not be a bad thing for the community. More than two, however, and I might start talking to the walls in my cubicle.
Posted by: adampsyche on July 15, 2002 08:31 AMHa ha ha, Adam. My mother always says, about everything bad that happens, that perhaps it's for the best.
But I'm still too young to confirm this.
Posted by: Miguel on July 15, 2002 09:08 AMThe computer that handles all the sites that reside here is down today for a couple days while I migrate to the new server.
Bets are still open.
Posted by: anathema on July 15, 2002 11:25 AMI bet: Never. MetaFilter is gone for good.
Yeah, it's a longshot, but those pay better.
Posted by: ColdChef on July 15, 2002 11:34 AMIt would seem like an opportune time to call it quits, but I don't think Matt wouldn't be upfront about it.
Scenerio: you call in sick to go to the beach last Monday. You are sick the following Monday but at work. Karma, or navel gazing?
Posted by: adampsyche on July 15, 2002 11:38 AMI like the second picture down. And I wouldn't bet on it happening, but I wish metafilter would go away, or maybe that it would return like this: Matt invites back ten people. Those ten each get to invite back two existing members, and so on. If they don't invite anyone, their votes expire in a week. If no one misses you, you're out. (If no one missed me, I'd _want_ to be out.) And after a week, that would be it. (Until that _wasn't_ it, of course, somehow, because there's always a Plan B in development.) But, yes, the second picture down: two Travolta monkeys dancing in unison.
Posted by: Eeksy-Peeksy on July 15, 2002 12:11 PMHalf my blogroll is down on account of this Mefi biznis. Shite.
Posted by: mcwetboy on July 15, 2002 12:23 PMSee? Now 9622 is like the Cambodian Red Light bar that Walken couldn't leave in The Deer Hunter, and Miguel is that crazy EmCee with one sunglass lens.
Gimme that revolver.
"God Bless Ameeerica. Land that I--"
Blam!
Posted by: kafkaesque on July 15, 2002 12:46 PMThere's hope! I got this message at 1:01 EST:
Server Error
The server encountered an internal error and was unable to complete your request.
adampsyche: I've got a pile of 'em sitting in iPhoto that I should be getting to Real Soon Now. (Manually fiddle with JPEG compression in GraphicConverter, procrastinate, tinker with homemade photo-gallery PHP script, procrastinate some more.) Wanna see a five-second-old garter snake covered in afterbirth?
Posted by: mcwetboy on July 15, 2002 01:25 PMYeah! Here is my ball python, Kaiser (or at least some of him).
I'm getting nothing at metafilter.com. Looks like they're moving the dns.
Posted by: jpoulos on July 15, 2002 01:43 PMLooks like it just changed. I did get that error a few minutes ago, though...
Posted by: adampsyche on July 15, 2002 01:47 PMMefi snake-keepers! Mefi snake-keepers! (Everybody else cringe -- or give us your rabbits; we have pythons to feed.)
Most of my existing, online pictures are too big for this page, but here are a few --
Baby wandering garter snake; photo taken the day of its birth nearly two weeks ago.
Adult female red-sided garter snake enjoying a mouse; photo taken a year ago.
Young eastern milk snake; photo taken two years ago; he's bigger and duller now.
You like wild ones? Go to the Pelee Island Field Trip site, done by yours truly, for photos and movies.
This is all adampsyche's fault for encouraging me.
Posted by: mcwetboy on July 15, 2002 02:12 PMNice!
I used to have a webcam setup inside Kaiser's aquarium, but he got bigger and we put him in a nylon mesh enclosure that is the equivalent of a 65-gallon tank. Much happier he is, but the nylon mesh is hard for a camera to see through, and the computer is at the other end of the house now. I used to broadcast feedings; maybe I will take a few shots this weekend when he has a Mickey or two.
Posted by: adampsyche on July 15, 2002 02:17 PMI know. But once in a while he would lay flush against the glass, and you got a nice pattern.
Posted by: adampsyche on July 15, 2002 02:23 PMThe first thing I saw was the silhouette.
My door is made from antique rosewood, carved with long strokes that follow the grain. Maxwell brought the brass doorknob back from Spain. The frosted glass came later, just before last year's big summer storm. It had rattled so hard in its frame, that night, that every dream was a dream of teeth.
I was reading a book. After many hours of circling the apartment, descending again and again to hunch over the black tiles of the keyboard, to stare into the cold face of the monitor, I sat with my back to the wall, hands clenched to the pages of Siddhartha. Reading was an exercise in will-power; each page required an overt effort, a pushing forward. After every successive word, I suppressed my eyes' desire to flick up to the screen, to look for a change in its blue glow.
It was at a moment of failure, then, that my gaze lifted from the page, moved towards the monitor, and was interrupted by the sudden tumble of a silhouette across the door. I stared unmoving at the shadow - tall, slender. I listened to the locust buzz of the computer.
There came a knock.
I slid up from my position, the novel leaving my fingertips to fall in silence and slow-motion. The veil of concentration, of calm, had been lifted. The familiar fever beat against my temples, the roar rose in my ears. My neck ached where it met my head, willing me to turn to the machine - to sit, to shudder and to reload, reload, reload. I clenched my jaw; I closed my fists; I did not turn away from the door.
"Yes?" I asked.
And the door clicked open, swinging away from its frame like a ship cast to sea. A man stood in the fluorescent glare of the hallway, his body haloed.
"Hello," said the man. He had the light voice of a killer.
"Hi," I said, smoothing my hands against my jeans. I took a few steps towards him. "Can I help you?"
"My name," he said, "is Kheren the Eater."
I noticed then that he carried an umbrella. His wore a pair of polished saddle shoes, a red velvet bow-tie. Pinstripes ran like seams up and down his suit.
"That's a strange name," I said.
"May I come in?"
I nodded, and he entered - closing the door behind him, brushing a curl of orange hair behind his ear. Kherem glanced towards the corner of the room, where my computer sat breathing.
"This is your machine?"
"Yes," I said.
"Ah."
I swallowed. "So-"
"I am Kherem the Eater." He leaned his umbrella against the wall. "I come to make you an offer."
"An offer?" I asked, feeling a loosening in my shoulders. Perhaps he was just a salesman.
Kherem paused. He opened his mouth a crack, tongue sliding over his upper lip. "Do you often use the Metafilter?" he said abruptly.
At once my heart began to pound, and I could not stop my eyes from darting towards the monitor. It was now a white screen, with firm, serif text. "Forbidden," it said. I shivered, felt the edge of my mouth twitch.
"I do normally," I said shakily, "but right now it-"
"It is unusable," said Kherem the Eater. "Right now."
I took a step backward, almost stumbling over an empty glass (the mint julep had done nothing, earlier, to ease the whirlwind in my mind). "Yes," I said shakily.
"You wish it to return?"
"Yes." The response burst from my mouth, and it was a voice I did not know. I clutched my throat, felt my lips tremble.
"Very well," said the man, staring at me from deep-socketed blue eyes. "Then this is what must be done..."
My breath quickened. I tensed the muscles in my arms. "What do I have to do with-?"
"I will Eat you," said Kherem.
"Wh- What!?"
"You are the one. If the Metafilter is to return, your life is owed."
"Me? Why!?" My back was to the wall, time had slowed; I saw my eyelids fall and rise... fall and rise.
"It is the way," said Kherem. "One life is needed. It is the Metafilter's way."
"But couldn't Matt just- 'The' Metafilter? It's simply 'Metafilter'. I-"
Kherem shrugged, beginning to walk towards me. "I do not choose these things. My employer has paid for my services. You have consented that it is necessary."
"I did not consent!" I yelled, fingers scrabbling at the pancake wallpaper.
"You agreed that it must return."
"Yes, but-"
"Then it must," said Kherem.
He smiled at me, with teeth like razor-points, and then his hand was on my shoulder. My computer hissed from the corner. Siddhartha's pages flapped in a sudden wind. Kherem smelled of lavender and mint. There was something lovely about the deep red of his mouth, the soft tendril of his tongue. And when it went dark, I dreamed of blue, yellow and white.
Posted by: Marquis on July 15, 2002 02:31 PMWait, did you just tell us to "Eat you?" That's not nice, man.
Posted by: ColdChef on July 15, 2002 02:34 PMThen it must
That's the part I liked best. It begs to me made into a film - reminded me of "Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid". Thanks for yet another gem, Marquis. Now stop it, you're making me feel inadequate! ;)
A wide grin to mcwetboy! I hope this isn't just a fling; that you're not just using us and, as soon as The Metafilter is up, you'll just up and leave without asping us first. ;)
Posted by: Miguel on July 15, 2002 04:09 PMDon't worry; I'll quit it. The second story (this one) is shitty anyhow - I merely felt compelled to write something else, for the praise had become like a heroin addiction. But with cleaner syringes.
Posted by: Marquis on July 15, 2002 04:16 PMA note about posting images:
We encourage users to post images, especially those hilarous pics of monkeys
wearing dresses or programming for Linux. But posting images that reside on someone
else's server is considered by many to be bandwidth theft. Our thoughts
on the matter, along with some solutions to the problem, can be found
here. Thanks.
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