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When I was very young (I’d say eight or so) I met my first real love. My parents were at a fish fry at the Richard’s (in Louisiana, pronounced “ree-shards”) house down the street. It was a Saturday night and the beer was flowing like…well, beer. With bellies full of catfish, the adults relaxed and began playing bouree, a southern party game whose rules escape me at the moment.

The Richards’ daughter (oh, let’s call her Grace…tho her real name was much more interesting) was just a few years older than me, and…as they say…fair of face. Grace was an energetic playmate, but not to the point of needing calming drugs. She liked to run and she liked to hide. She was tall for a ten year old.

When she realized that the adults were no longer watching us, she took my hand and said, “Let me show you something.” She led me up the back staircase, away from the smoke and smell of grease. We went up into the attic, where her grandmother sometimes stayed in the winter. She pulled the sheets off the bed and draped them over three chairs, making a tent. I climbed inside and waited for…I didn’t know what. I heard Grace moving things around outside of our makeshift tent. She set something down right beside me and then walked towards the wall.

And that’s when I heard Dan Ackroyd. A black and white television came sliding under the sheets towards me with Grace pushing it from behind.

“Have you ever seen Saturday Night Live?” she asked me. I had never stayed up so late. She began to describe things to me that I had never even imagined. Coneheads, Samurais, men in Bee Costumes, Bill Murray. She told me about the musical guests and the comedians and Fr. Guido. And we watched together. And I fell in love with “Saturday Night Live” and all its players.

Sure, it’s embarrassing now to admit how much something as ordinary as a teevee show could have made such an impact on me, but it truly was the first thing (outside of my own home, of course) that I really remember loving with all of my heart. And I think that first loves are supposed to be somewhat embarrassing.

Forgive me for the length. I don't have my own blog to post this stuff.

Mine first love is ColdChef.

My first love is ColdChef.

and now twice as much.

Chocolate chip cookies. Man, did I love them.

Perhaps this is the wrong place for me to tell what happened between me and beth.

My first love was called Karen Schaffer. She was very quiet and clever, good at writing and drawing, blonde and stand-offish, but in a giggly way. We were both about seven and sat at the same desk at school, all year. Our bare legs would touch and go all sweaty after a while, but we didn't care.

I had this recurrent dream she'd cross the gym hall just to whisper "I love you" in my ear.

I told her I loved her on the last day at school. Well, gave her a note saying I did. And then ran off.

Needless to say, I never saw her again. And, after about a week of suffering (I was sure she'd changed schools just to get away from me) I vowed never again to love anyone else.

I did, of course. Eventually. But it wasn't the same.

Oh, and Kafkaesque's response to her confession completely makes up for his lack of posting recently. A true gem.

Lime popsicles, Villa Allegre, late-night monster movies and, sadly, D&D.

coldchef, i just finished reading little altars everywhere yesterday, so your story is perfectly in tune with my mental state. for those of you unfamiliar with rebecca wells, she wrote little altars everywhere and divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood which are an amazing peek into family life in louisiana during the 30's through the 90's (well, mostly 40's, 60's & 90's).

england. shakespeare. these will be my everlasting loves.

Migs:

The Saturday Boy

I'll never forget the first day I met her
That September morning was clear and fresh
The way she spoke and laughed at my jokes
The way she rubbed herself
Against the edge of my desk
She became a magic mystery to me
And we'd sit together in double
History twice a week
And some days we'd walk the same way home
And it's surprising how quick
A little rain can clear the streets
We dreamed of her and compared our dreams
But that was all that I ever tasted
She lied to me with her body you see
And I lied to myself 'bout the chances I'd wasted

The times that we were close
Were far and few between
In the darkness at the dances in the school canteen
Did she close her eyes as I did
When we held each other tight
And la la means I love you

She danced with me and I still hold that memory
Soft and sweet
And I stare up at her window
As I walk down her street
But I never made the first team,
I just made the first team laugh
And she never came to the phone,
She was always in the bath
In the end it took me a dictionary
To find out the meaning of unrequited
While she was giving herself for free
At a party to which I was never invited

I never understood my failings then
And I hide my humble hopes now
Thinking back she made us want her
A girl not old enough to shave her legs

--Billy Bragg

John Lennon

When Darth Vader strangled that guy with his brain who's lack of faith he found disturbing.
God, that was cool.
The first movie I remember.
I was 4.

Also, Erin Grey.

My first love was baseball. I have this amazing memory of walking with my dad up the dark ramp and suddenly emerging into the sundrenched upper deck of old Tiger Stadium. Every one of my senses was engaged: the orange and blue seats, the giant scoreboard, the green, green grass, the smell of hot dogs and popcorn, and the crack of bat hitting ball. But, alas, baseball and I broke up a long time ago.

All in all, the thing I love most in the world (besides my wife and family and some of our houseplants) is nostalgia. I know it's not my first love, but the act of sitting down and putting the world to rights over a few drinks...for me it doesn't get any better.

Wow. Channeling an Old Milwaukee commercial there.

And actually, to add to the above, my favorite things when I was a kid, and probably still are games. I am an absolute maniac for games. I love darts, cribbage, pool (I can beat you at 9-ball), bocce, boules....whatever. And soccer.

My first love was a handful of words, I think: Finn, hemlock and wonder; sancrosanct, Sting and hobbit.

And then there was Layla Bloom, who said she would not - and then did - join the other girls with their henna hair and upturned noses. We never held hands, but we both wanted to.

"Norwegian Wood" was good, too.

My first love? Married her. Still married to her, 17 years later.

Star Wars. I saw every one in the theater, and by the time I hit kindergarten, I was signing books out under my pseudonym, Luke Skywalker.

Melanie. The classmate, not the 60's singer- songwriter. Gawd I had such a crush. How I'd look forward to those sunny mornings at the bus stop...

Also, to add to my love of SNL and comedy in general:

The first time I saw "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" my entire world changed. I saw it on PBS. It was part of a Pyton Marathon and I sat there and watched for hours. Years later, I swore that there was a scene in "Holy Grail" where a milkman got kidnapped by a lady in a black negligee.

Also: Kids in the Hall, MTVs Half Hour Comedy Hour, Evening at the Improv, BETs comedy shows, Steve Martin, Richard Pryor.

The first "R" rated movie I ever snuck into was Eddie Murphy's "Raw". And I once got my mouth washed out with soap because, after watching "Stripes" I called my younger brother a 'fuckup.'

what else? BJ and the Bear-- and Knight Rider.

I was a strange kid

(sad thing is, I not kidding, ask Marty)

I got a little stuffed toy duck when I was about 1 1/2. Appropriately if uncreatively named "duckie". We were inseparable, save one horrible evening he fell into the toilet.
I kept that toy till the stuffings had literally come out, a la "the velveteen rabbit"....how I wish I'd kept the remnants...

btw all the star wars comments make me feel so elderly. i was a senior in high school when that movie came out.

Ooh!
ColdChef has reminded me... Faulty Towers on PBS when I was like 5 or so.
I can call that love.

I started reading Woody Allen's books when I was eleven (along with Dave Barry and...gulp...Lewis Grizzard) and I tried to share my newfound joy of the "not knock-knock" version of comedy, but...sadly...no one got me.

Not until college, anyways.

Or "Up Pompeii" with Frankie Howerd. Man! That brings back memories.

Or "All Creatures Great and Small"...the family crowded round the TV every Sunday night, eating Sunday dinner. Roast Beef and Yorkshire Puddings.

*drool*

Or "The Magical World of Disney" or whatever they called it when they'd show the Flubber movie or whatever every weekend.

The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, I can't believe that wasn't my first answer.
I read it when it came out because I liked the little green thing on the cover and it's still my favorite thing ever.

kafkaesque, I believe it was "The Wonderful World of Disney." It was on every Sunday night, IIRC. Another favorite show from that same time period: Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom.

I was six when Star Wars came out. I walked in having no idea what was about to happen. I walked out a changed man boy.

The Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy, I can't believe that wasn't my first answer.

HOLY SHIT! Can I change my answer, too? I still read those books at least once a year. The first three are nearly perfect. Perfect. If I could have anyone's writing style, it would be Douglas Adams. Hilarious without being showy.

Robin, who held my hand proudly on the bus, and as far as I am concerned invented the very act.

ColdChef, that was beautiful.

I need a while to think of my first love. My first-first love.

There are so many, you see, and most were years ago. Good god, does joylessness have a directly proportionate relationship with age?

I think my first love was a boy named Neil. He was tall, Greek, and beautiful. It was 3rd grade, and we went to the diocese carnival together. He won a huge ugly purple unicorn for me in a ring-toss booth. I still have the darned thing. :)

My first love was E.T.

I cried at the end. My parents bought me the picture book based on the movie. I even wrote a song called "E.T. in the garden" that was mostly atonal.

You will find ET if you want him in the garden
Unless it's pouring down with rain.

Wow, I'm lucky I married my first love. She even courted me at first, once a week. I even heard her name in church and couldn't wait to get home for her. Yet with spring she always disappeared, the story of my life. As this was the time most had love, I didn't. Yet I would pretend we were a pair and dance with friends like she was there. I would fall asleep at night dreaming of her. Everyone was able to get as much of a glimpse of her as you were. A lot of times I was with friends and family at the start of the relationship and sometimes she ended our affair so abruptly that I cried my self asleep. many time I even later on shared her with other woman, by attending her events with a date. they loved her too, what could I do. Once even in front of everybody, a large crowd who was celebrating a terrific feat and they even rejoiced for her departure, by have the party and one blow out after. I was 12 and became a man that summer. I even vowed to never love so much. Damn thing is recorded in the history books Also, back home a lot of my friends hated her, don't feel sad for me she has done a lot in her own way for me and the world. Then my love bloomed again for her and I even moved to where she was born, and met the whole family, you've seen them but I got to drink and actually have a conversation with the whole bunch. Now I have a treasure chest of memories about her with my own experience thrown in, more than I could pay her. Some have been sad, some good, some just unbelievable, yet they are recorded in time. I even got to have her beautiful sisters to hang out with, one use to massage my back, nothing kinky, it was medical, and work paid for it through insurance, yet I almost did get a divorce from her, because the attention she received from time to time was not really needed.

Her name boyz.......The Dallas Cowboys,

Actually, k, it was for solo piano.

Hey, rocketman, you weren't the only one. And while I wouldn't call that atonal, I would call it bad.

Actually they called it "The Wonderful World of Color" early on, to promote color television. We used to go to our grandparents to watch, because they had color and we didn't.

Thom, you're a dirty little man. And I agree. I liked the Cowboy cheerleaders before I ever knew that they were affiliated with some sort of "sports" thing.

my first love. 'natch.

Timmy McCormick.
He lived down the bank, and then his family moved away. Where, oh where are you Timmy? I'm crying, thanks.

rocketman: I demand to hear this song on Thursday night.

and then there was Abba and roller skates. I was gonna be a star!

goneill, you are a star. a big bright shining star.

And Timmy looks a little young for you.

Or maybe this is Tim?

Timmy?

Ummm...I see here that Ol' Tim has Metafilter bookmarked. Wouldn't that make a nice story for the grandkids?

The point of the song was that it was made up on the spot. I was, something like four years old at the time.

I could probably come close to recreating the performance, but I'd be mighty embarrassed to do so.

Eek. I've been trying to think what my first love was, but it's got me stumped. I've loved so many things. I'm still with my first people love.

One of my first memories is jumping out at the postmans van with my little brother as he drove down our drive, waving guns (sticks) with scarves round our faces. We held him up until he gave us our parents post.

I was so hoping that this thread would lead to the discovery of Timmy McCormick. It's pretty cute that Timmy is a New York City Blogger now. He liked the Dallas Cowboys and his parents had a VCR (mine got one after I graduated from high school...)!

goneill, what year was that, mine 87

I loved Rudolph Nureyev in "Romeo and Juliet." I was seven years old when I saw it, and I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I still passionately love the Prokofiev score.

My husband on the other hand says, "The Three Stooges" and beer cans. This is of course why I married him.

Posted by: readymade on July 31, 2002 06:01 PM

1993. Can anyone top that?

"1993. Can anyone top that?"

Um, my youngest child was born in '92.

I guess that's a no.

John Taylor of Duran Duran. I had a small black and white picture covered in sellotape in my schoolbag.

In 93 I was....my God, I was 22!

*weeps for lost youth*

*looks at Crash*

maybe it's not so bad.

The bright side, k (if there is one), is that my youngest will be off to college while I'm still a relatively young man (43).

At least, that's what I tell myself to keep from drinking into an absolute stupor 24-7.

I think that right now we are competing to see who got a vcr later. I was thinking I would be the winner - but now that we are just going by age I want to drop out, is it too late?

what's a VCR?

Oh, the VCR thing.

My first one was an RCA top-loader that weighed about 175 pounds and cost $999 new. I was savvy and bought it used from a videotape rental place for only half-price. In 1983. At least I didn't buy the BetaMax that I really wanted.

Oddly, I waited until this year to buy a DVD player, and paid $65. Age does bring a tiny bit'o'wisdom, methinks.

I'm holding on the dvd, I have satelite if I ever get the dish up

I don't even *own* a vcr.

*leans back. clasps hands behind head.*

Wow, for the first time in a while, I feel young. Turned 26 this year.

"Wow, for the first time in a while, I feel young. Turned 26 this year."

Boy, when I was your age people couldn't fling poo on the internet! We had to go to the zoo, and fling it in person! And the walk to the zoo was uphill...both ways...in a blizzard!

Crash only has so many poos left. He's got to be careful about just throwing them around all willy-nilly.

i'm 19 and i feel like i should go eat at the kids table now.

i'm not sure who my first love was. the thing is, with almost every person i've dated i've thought "okay, this is what Real love is like, i guess this is my first Real love" and then, when we break up and i get together with someone else, i think the same thing. love just keeps getting cooler. this used to frustrate me but now it makes me very happy.

my first love in the childhood sense was willy vaughn in fifth grade. we had all the same friends, and our little group would go play 500 in the far back field at our elementary school. then it turned into tackle 500. we were the baseball nerds. of course, it was me and a bunch of boys, so naturally i got a reputation as a tomboy lesbian. i love that logic. anyway, willy was really funny, and our entire "courtship" consisted of him saying funny things, me laughing, and then combining our cafeteria food in gross ways.

i will note for making you all feel old purposes that this took place in 1994.

other than that, my first non-human loves were the hitchhiker's guide (i still have a crush on ford prefect) and billy corgan.

My first love was "The Good Duck Artist" who did the stories in my Dad's Uncle Scrooge and Donald Duck comics. Back then, there was no artist/author credit, but anyone who read the stories could tell instantly when the "Good Artist" had done the story. It wasn't until years later that most people even found out he had a name - Carl Barks. That man taught me how to read, and took me to fabulous places in time, space and imagination.

ColdChef, the first time two friends and I saw The Holy Grail, we galloped all the way home on imaginary horses making very load coconut noises.

And TCS, I have very vivid memories of ceremonially and dramatically tearing up my Craig Morton card and flushing the pieces down the toilet after the Super Bowl one year. Nowadays, of course, it's usually best to keep a latent Dallas Cowboys fetish quiet (especially on the east coast - go Pats!)

And thank you for making me feel old, P-Lo! Honestly, though, that doesn't sound too different from the early courtship I remember! Some things never change.

strangely enough i own a vcr, but no tv. *insert superior morality complex here* heh.

the first boy i had a crush on was jimmy something or other and i didn't know that i liked him, mostly i just would try to trip him.

summer, i'm so right there with you on the john taylor thing. although i wasn't faithful, some days i'd decide to like simon better. ah, the fickle prepubescent heart.

I had what psychologists would call an exceptionally long latency. I wasn't really into girls(or boys, to pre-empt you smart-alecks) until around age 15 or so, except in the most abstract sense.

I remember having a crush my junior year of high school on this gorgeous girl named Jackie, who was also editor of the school literary magazine and was later our schools valedictorian. To the extent she was cognizant of my existence at all, she though of me like a stray cat who brought dead pigeons to the doorstep as tokens of affection. I later googled her and found out she got a Ph. D. from the university of Texas. My college girlfreind is Ph. D. as well. My current gal has an MFA. For an unlettered man, I seem to have a fatal bent for educated broads.

"strangely enough i own a vcr, but no tv."

I bet that's the only possible way to enjoy a tape of Freddy Got Fingered.

Jude L. I was 15, she was 16, taller than me, blonde, big nose, wore the tightest Chic jeans in the world. I'd go home on her bus, we'd go in her basement, get high, listen to Billy Squier ("...everybody wants you!"), and make out until her mom got home from work. Her mom would cook us some rudimentary dinner, mac and cheese or fish sticks or something, then I'd walk the couple miles home in time to get there before my old man showed up. Repeat each day.

I did something stupid at a party with another girl. Told Jude about it, and she broke up with me. I convinced her to give me another chance, but by then I was 16, she was 17 and... it was gone.

I had a picture of her for years after that I kept, in a light purple dress with little white flowers on it, and the look on her face was the one she'd get just after I'd said something amusing and just before she'd start laughing.

We stayed friends, after a fashion, eventually just nodding at each other in the halls. I left for college in the back seat of a '68 Olds Delta '98 and never saw her again. That was 17 years ago last spring.

Summer: welcome to MetaChat! What took you so long?

P-lo: here's a photo of the real Ford Prefect!

"Nicely inconspicuous", as I believe the thinking went ...

H2G2 fans are also advised to be on the look-out at used book stores for "Don't Panic - The Official Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy Companion", by Neil Gaiman. Yes, that Neil Gaiman. The comic book guy. Very entertaining, and lots of "up close and personal" background info.

I always feel honored when the noble Fes stops by.

I'll be 37 on August 3rd. Fuck me.

(uhh, in the sense of 'holy bugshit I was sure I'd be dead by now')

I was a randy little bastard, and fell in love completely and repeatedly, over and over again, as a child (from kindergarten on) and up into my teens. My teenagerhood was a tale of unrequited love and total alcoholism. Somehow I got government scholarships to go to university, though, where the tale morphed into one of requited lust and total alcoholism.

This story I have told, in part, at the mighty 'bottle.

I also worship the HHGTG in all its manifestations, and also had my life changed by 'The Holy Grail'. 'Sleeper', and to a lesser extent other Woody Allen Funny Films, also made my brain what it is today, but mostly it was HHGTG that had the strongest influence on my comedy stylings.

Thank you folks, I'll be here until Thursday.

I might tell the tale of my First Big Love, sordid and freakish as it is, sometime soon. On my list of LongForm Things To Blog.

Thanks Chef, for the story. And all you other chimpatastic folks for, golly, just being you.

Oh, so my post did appear then. I thought I'd done something wrong. I was hitting the monitor and screaming "hello, hello, HELLO." Anyway, am I in with the in crowd?

Girl, I´ll show you a real good time,
Come on with me and leave your troubles behind,
I don´t care where you´ve been,
You ain´t been nowhere till you been in with "In" crowd

Since so many of you have seen "The Holy Grail" you would think I would get a little more respect around here.

*dodges holy hand grenade of antioch*

only if you'd fit in with the horny sisters of the castle anthrax, bf. :D

and after the spanking comes the oral sex.

hmmm. weren't we just talking about migsy getting spanked? well, what happened after?

by the way, i never got to see that scene until i was in college. my mother always made us fast forward through it.

Sleeper is the funniest film in existence IMO. The sequence just after Woody wakes up remains the funniest thing I have ever seen. It's amazing how many people have never heard of it.

I haven't seen Sleeper since I was like 13. I must put that on my "to rent" list.

Stitchwone: just think of how much good that did you, and thank your mom.

Sleeper has some great bits. The Orb is enough to send me into apoplexy. Not to mention the sentient "Instant Dessert".

Woof, woof! I'm Rags!

And the beauty pageant. I'm going to watch it tonight as my TV is fucked. A man's coming to tinker with my box tomorrow.

visions of "Logjammin'".

A man's coming to tinker with my box tomorrow.

I knew I shouldn't have switched over the dish.

The man from Sky is Australian and blond and knows which buttons to push.

Kafkaesque: Your love of the Coen brothers makes my love for you grow. Have you read the collection of Ethan's short stories? Some of them are really fantastic.

::massive full-body twitch::

Hmm no. I'll have to check that out.

I warn you, whatever you do, be tempted not by a movie called The Naked Man, which advertises itself as having been written by Ethan Coen. Totally, incredibly awful, without quite being bad enough to be funny for that reason. It filled me with harrowing despair.

"You think that makes you some kind of authority figure? Here's your two dollars, you fuck!"

Can't resist: The (Ethan Coen) book is good, but I thought the the poetry was even better.

(First love: Swimming in the ocean. My mother always had to drag me out of the water at the end of a day at the beach.)

Miguel gets jonmc brownie points for quoting Dobie Gray...to which I can only reply:

Gimme the beat boys
and free my soul
I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and
Drift Away

99

100

timmy?

are you there?

oh my god, you aren't going to believe what happened to me tonight. I think it might all be to do with this thread, where I mention timmy mccormick by name, but he actually called me tonight to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't manage to get a hold of him, but just knowing that he still loves me too is enough to keep me going through these dark, late 20s. I really loved timmy when I was 7, and I hope that once he returns from his 57 year arctic expedition he will return to me. Thank you all for making this possible. With friends like you...

alternately:

cold chef: I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. you made my birthday not suck.

yay!

I laughed so hard and listened to it a million times with lizs

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