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August 27, 2002 : More Sick Birthday Fun For Kevin!


We culturally-famished third-worlders have been having a lot of fun today over on my blog with a cheesy (yet accurate) bio-rhythm matchmaker. Women are getting mainly much younger men and older women; men are getting mostly embarassing over-the-hill starlets and, for male soul-buddies, brothers of has-beens.

Everyone's looking for a perfect 100% fit; very rare. Of course we Portuguese have to google to find out who these people are. You sophisticated Yanks and Canucks should be able to feel insulted straight away.

The Lisbon rules are: you must confess to both male and female spiritual siblings and explain why you are outraged and feel you deserve better in a humiliating way.

Posted by at August 27, 2002 03:04 PM


People have said these things about that :

100% perfect fit? I'd settle for some fantastic sex which JASON PRIESTLEY is not going to give me. well, at least not until he's out of the hospital.

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 03:08 PM

Your best matches

Antonio Sabato Jr. 98% (Uh...no)
Corey Feldman 98% (I could take Haim, but Feldman?)
Michael Schumacher 98%
Andrew Golota 98%
Scott Foley 97% (Not really my type, but at least we'd have laughs)

Your best matches

Angie Harmon 97% (what would we talk about?)
Minnie Driver 97% (oh, baby)
Heather Graham 97% (!!!!!!ROLLERGIRL!!!!!!)
Sinead O'Connor 97% (no. just no.)
Kira Kener 96% (who?)

And...um...what does it say about me that I looked at my male companions first?

(actually, I did one of these quizzes once where you answer all kinds of questions and it's more personality based, and I forget who the female was, but my gay celeb partner was JUDE LAW, which...you know...not a bad thing at all)

Posted by: ColdChef on August 27, 2002 03:16 PM

Who the hell are these people?

Vanessa Marcil
Jewel Kilcher
Darcy Wretsky
Isabelle A.
Robin Wright Penn (OK I know who that is. Don't beat me up, Mr. Penn!)

Posted by: kafkaesque on August 27, 2002 03:17 PM

Kira Kener - so you are a good boy, after all, ColdChef! Ah, the sheltered life, nothing beats it...

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 03:25 PM

Your best matches

Vanessa Marcil 100%
Josefine van Asdonk 98%
Juliet Landau 98%
Tara Fitzgerald 98%
Jasmine Sendar 98%

I only recognize Vanessa only because I dropped her off at her SoHo loft this morning ;)

Posted by: gen on August 27, 2002 03:26 PM

I was surprised to find out while watching the E! True Hollywood Story on Corey Haim (yeah, this is why I don't have a TV) that Corey Haim's looks went down the tubes right about the time he weaned himself off coke while Corey Feldman, like a fine wine, has drastically improved with age.

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 03:37 PM

Okay, maybe fine wine is pushing it.

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 03:37 PM

I'm following witchstone's lead and going straight for the jugular. It's nice to know Debra Winger and I would get on like a house on fire. Who cares about emotional compatibility anyway?

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 03:39 PM

Courtney Thorne-Smith 99% (I wouldn't say no, but not my first choice)
Parker Posey 99% (now we're talkin'!
Daphne Deckers 99% (who?, but she is cute!)
Mitzi Kapture 99% (who?)
Gina Wild 98% (I googled and I am glad! Whoohoo!!!...uh, not safe for work.)

Posted by: ashbury on August 27, 2002 03:39 PM

I want Parker Posey dammit!

Posted by: ColdChef on August 27, 2002 03:43 PM

Well you can't have her.

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 03:45 PM

well, at least not until he's out of the hospital.

Hey, witchstone, he is out. So I guess he's on his way over! bow-chicka-wow-wow.

Posted by: pardon me on August 27, 2002 03:51 PM

Anna Friel 99%
Radha Mitchell 99%
Kelly Packard 98%
Sara Gilbert 98%
Audrey Tautou 98%

whoever the hell they are.

Posted by: adampsyche on August 27, 2002 03:54 PM

Several months of rehab! Hmph. Well, I'm not going to wait around. A woman's got needs, you know.

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 03:55 PM

Audrey Tatou! From Amelie. Oh, she's adorable!

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 03:56 PM

I have never heard of any of these women (no Gwen! no Shirley! no Carrie-Ann! I weep):

Tina Barrett 99%
Jennifer Sky 98%
Rie Tomosaka 98%
Christiane Paul 97%
Stephanie Swift 96%

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 03:57 PM

Rebecca De Mornay 98%
Janine Lindemulder 97%
Daphne Zuniga 96%
Kristen Zang 96%
Uma Thurman 95%

Yeah, baby. Uma and her Oscar-night cleavage, and Janine? Good God, my heart couldn't take it.

Posted by: Crash on August 27, 2002 03:58 PM

Chely Wright 99%
Krista Allen 98%
Liz Phair 98%
Kellie Martin 98%
Angela Perez Baraquio 98%

Wow, just googled all my soul-mates. I don't listen to country music, but I'll gladly make an exception for Ms. Chely Wright. And Liz Phair rawks. But Krista Allen takes the cake. (Anyone who wants Kellie Martin can have her -- I'll trade for a second-round draft pick).

Posted by: pardon me on August 27, 2002 03:58 PM

Oh, that's who that is. Huh. I didn't remember the actor's name.

Posted by: adampsyche on August 27, 2002 04:00 PM

sorry, actress.

Posted by: adampsyche on August 27, 2002 04:00 PM

i prefer the term actrix.

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 04:02 PM

Your best matches
Shiri Appleby 99%
Melanie Brown 99%
Surya Bonaly 98%
Jennie Garth 97%
Mili Avital 97%

Your best matches
Mark Philippoussis 98%
Ian Somerhalder 97%
Jenson Button 96%
Michael Thomas Dunn 96%
Jonny Lee Miller 95%

i have no fucking clue who any of these people are.

however -- damn, adam, Audrey Tatou (better known to most folks as that girl in "Amelie") and Sarah Gilbert?!!? man. them's some screamin' biorhythms.

ok. maybe i was the only one with a secret crush on sarah gilbert.

she was so damned tough and smarmy. rowr.

of course, now that i think about it, she was like, 15 on roseanne.

of course, so was i.

except for the on roseanne part.

and uh, more like 12.

Posted by: fishfucker on August 27, 2002 04:02 PM

Your best matches

Jamie Luner 98%
Chloe Sevigny 98%
Tina Arena 98%
Jennifer Sky 98%
Lauren Graham 98%

I knew Chloe Sevigny was hot for me. I just didn't realize how hot:

Physical 96%
Emotional 99%
Intellectual 98%
Total 98%

I thought that when I was watching Last Days of Disco, that she was looking right at me, I guess that proves my hunch.

Oh yeah, and this:

Sebastien Grosjean 98%
Hal Sparks 97%
David Beckham 97%
Rick Schroder 97%
Sisqo 97%

Two Silver Spoons together... and a thong...

Posted by: eyeballkid on August 27, 2002 04:03 PM

Whoooeee!!!

Gillian Anderson 98%
Faith Ford 97%
Angie Everhart 97%

Throw in a bottle of Wild Turkey and the number to a pizza joint and we got somethin' going here.

Posted by: KevinSkomsvold on August 27, 2002 04:04 PM

I'm a bit jealous.

Posted by: eyeballkid on August 27, 2002 04:04 PM

(not of you kevin, but of witchy and swift)

Posted by: eyeballkid on August 27, 2002 04:05 PM

I share a birthday with Lil' Kim, but she didn't come up for me. *sigh*

Posted by: adampsyche on August 27, 2002 04:07 PM

fishhomerunner, Jennie Garth is an actress who was on "Beverly Hills 90210." Surya Bonaly is a figure skater from France. And I believe Melanie Brown is (was?) one of the Spice Girls. [/stupid pop culture knowledge]

Posted by: pardon me on August 27, 2002 04:08 PM

Oh, I almost forgot:

Michael Saucedo 100%
Joey McIntyre 100%
Adrian Grenier 99%
Jimmy Shergill 98%
Jude Law 97%

Posted by: adampsyche on August 27, 2002 04:08 PM

Gimme JUDE LAW, YOU BASTARD!!

*swears he's not gay*

Posted by: ColdChef on August 27, 2002 04:10 PM

sweet. some unknown from "swimfan" and "roswell"; a spice girl (melly b, baby!), kelly from 90210, and a damned 'celebrity' from STARGATE? fucking STARGATE?

yep; everything's coming up fishfucker.

also: the little flash totals only add up to about 28% (though the first screen says otherwise), so, uh, i don't know if there's a bug, or if i'm just doomed to die lonely (but with the *best* effing bachelor pad ever.)

Posted by: fishfucker on August 27, 2002 04:12 PM

Scroll down to bottom for photo.

Now, what do those look like to you?

Posted by: Unclefes on August 27, 2002 04:13 PM

my god! with her blonde hair and boobs and my red hair and um--well--my sarcasm, we can take over the world!

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 04:13 PM

Hey fishfukker! Give me back Johnny Lee Miller!

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 04:16 PM

everything's coming up fishfucker.

Believe me, it's so much better when you say it out loud.

Posted by: Unclefes on August 27, 2002 04:17 PM

wtstone:

not until i score some dope from his ultra-cool shoe.

yeah. if i had a pair of shoes like that; well, i could date sarah gilbert.

or at least puke on her doorstep.

Posted by: fishfucker on August 27, 2002 04:21 PM

*has 100% physical compatibility with Rowan Atkinson*
*prays for death*

Posted by: tizzie on August 27, 2002 04:23 PM

Kind of better than adequate Jonny Lee Miller movie of an Iain Banks story: Complicity (aka Retribution on video)

Posted by: kafkaesque on August 27, 2002 04:27 PM

Mig, you feel you don't know who these folks:
Julia Ormond 99%
Kimberley Davies 98%
Kathleen Robertson 98%
Ophelie Winter 98%
Nicole Kidman 97%
Well share your Portuguese dictionary as I need one too then. As I don't know these folks yet for one, the last(everyone knows, the others I don't have time to research). As far as Nicole goes, if he(Tom) didn't want her why would this Thomcat, as he can have anybody. Also I would need my pole climbing spikes, and it would be an enjoyment to test those out on her(I'm a few inches shy on height with Tom, yet in boots about the same). Also as she has similar colored hair, as my natural hair coloring, I would be bored by too much of a look a like. Kind of like dating your sister. Plus opposites attract, or actually for me more gusto in the bedroom scene.
My choice Meg Ryan, yet she is a loser, I'll try my luck off the street, at least I won't have to read about being cheated on in the Tabloids.

Posted by: thomcatspike on August 27, 2002 04:30 PM

Oh, my male pals?

Your best matches

Russell Crowe 99%
Owen Hart 98%
Tom Sizemore 98%
Rubens Barrichello 97%
Maxwell 97%

*kills self*

Posted by: Crash on August 27, 2002 04:32 PM

oh tizzie. oh dear.

Posted by: witchstone on August 27, 2002 04:34 PM

so i'm not doing much better with the men.

a tennis player, a guy with terrible eyebrows (but best ICQ interview ever), a f1 racecar driver, and michael thomas dunne -- who must know someone on the staff of celebmatch.

i cry myself to sleep every night.

Posted by: fishfucker on August 27, 2002 04:40 PM

My male companions:

Your best matches

Chipper Jones
Alexander Siddig
David Coulthard
Josh Duhamel
Jeremy Sisto


...but I'm a Giants fan!

...and also, Sisto? Sisto? Sounds like a bad magician with a growth.

Posted by: kafkaesque on August 27, 2002 04:48 PM

Brendan Fehr 99%
Elvis Stojko 99%
Andriy Shevchenko 96%
Luis Figo 96%
Sean Astin 96%

Hmm...The kid from "Roswell," an ice skater, a couple of soccer guys and that buster from Goonies.

Go me.

Posted by: brittney on August 27, 2002 04:59 PM

Meredith Salenger 99%
Jo O'Meara 99%
Niki Taylor 98%
Jolene Blalock 98%
Thalia 98%

...
ok.

Posted by: tj on August 27, 2002 05:15 PM

Somewhere, hunched over his computer, Russell Crowe is muttering "Who the hell is Mr Crash Davis?"

Then he goes back to drinking.

Posted by: kafkaesque on August 27, 2002 05:17 PM

Kaf, good one.....

Posted by: thomcatspike on August 27, 2002 05:26 PM

Ok crash, those were too good, what gives? Or this is all based on age, and the time of the month, well I am a cancer. Maybe the chics I didn't know are stuck in the middle of a centerfold, if not when first famous yet by now...........

Posted by: thomcatspike on August 27, 2002 05:30 PM

If my bitch of a mother would have had the decency to deliver me a single day earlier, then I would have a shot at both Drew Barrymore AND Kate Hudson.

I hate my mother.

Posted by: ColdChef on August 27, 2002 05:41 PM

Heh. Brittney's leaving Normal.

Now I'm going to try Coldchef's brilliant "It's My Mom's Fault" manoeuvre.

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 06:05 PM

Yevgeny Kafelnikov 100%
Jerry O'Connell 99%
Bryan White 99%
Stephen Gately 99%
Test 98%

Oooh - I don't believe it - Test!!! (he's dreamy!!!)

Brittany Daniel 99%
Stacy Valentine 97%
Dolores O'Riordan 97%
Ophelie Winter 97%
Julia Ormond 97%

(Dolores O'Riordan - ew yuck - no wonder she only got a 97.)

Posted by: krimurlilboo on August 27, 2002 06:10 PM

Did anyone get a writer?

Posted by: krimurlilboo on August 27, 2002 06:12 PM

krimurlilboo, I did get your last two....who are they

Posted by: thomcatspike on August 27, 2002 06:19 PM

Anne Heche 98%
PJ Harvey 98%
Paola Barale 97%
Kari Wuhrer 97%
Annika Sorrenstam 95%

Anne Heche? Yep, that's about right. PJ Harvey? Yeah, baby, yeah! Paola Whatsername? Haven't a clue. Kari Wuhrer? I saw her on a skinimax movie not long ago and she looked great in vinyl slutwear, but wasn't it all downhill after Remote Control? Annika Sorrenstam? 1994 Sveedish reindeer-riding gold-medalist, ja?

wait. now it gets really bad ...

Richard Hatch 100%
Kane 99%
Tom Everett Scott 97%
Ethan Hawke 97%
David Schwimmer 96%

RICHARD FUCKING HATCH!? Just kill me now. Anyone trade me an Ian McKellen or Jude Law--(not if I get him first, Chef)--for all of these. Oh well, there's always PJ Harvey ...

Posted by: octobersurprise on August 27, 2002 06:51 PM

Shannen Doherty 99% (Brenda Walsh would clearly walk all over me. I disagree with this heartily)
Joan Cusack 98% (Sure. She seems cool.)
Patricia Ford 97% (Hot. Hot. Hot. Never heard of her before.)
Sarah Jessica Parker 97% (Seems high-maintenance, but if she's good enough for Ferris Bueller...)
Whigfield 96% (I have no idea who this person is.)

...and...

Liev Shreiber 99% (He seems a little mild-mannered to be a good friend of mine. Put a few shots of Jack in him and we'll find out.)
Nicholas Brendon 99% (Xander from "Buffy." This one makes sense, I guess.)
Kim Rossi Stuart 98% (No idea. Some Italian actor. Girl's name. Doesn't sound promising.)
Guy Pearce 97% (I've seen "Memento." All you have to do to be his friend is take a picture of yourself and write "Good guy. You owe him ten bucks." on it.)
Rick Shroeder 97% (I'd screw with him unmercifully if he passed out while drinking. "Champ? Wake up, Champ!"

Posted by: MarsCrash on August 27, 2002 06:54 PM

Paola Barale! Hubba-hubba!

Posted by: Crash on August 27, 2002 06:57 PM

Oh, more Paola, just in case, you know, if that's your thing.

Posted by: Crash on August 27, 2002 06:58 PM

Now, Octobie dear, don't you run away from your hundred-percenter, hear?

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 07:04 PM

My so-called buddies:

Robert Davi 98% (I love Mr. Pockmark!)
Peter Gallagher 96% (groan)
Don Johnson 96% (Kill me now)
Willem Dafoe 94% (Swop?)
Denis Leary 93% (OK, I guess)

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 07:10 PM

Richard's apparently forgotten about that restraining order. *Sigh* I hope he can find work with two broken legs.

Posted by: octobersurprise on August 27, 2002 07:12 PM

Thanks, Crash, but who needs Paola when you have PJ?

Posted by: octobersurprise on August 27, 2002 07:15 PM

Paola, Or Why Crash Ain't Listening Any More

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 07:25 PM

I would have to say I hit the jackpot:

Kathy Ireland 98%
Jerry Hall 98%
Kate Bush 97%
Delta Burke 96%
Debi Mazar 95%

Well, except maybe for Delta. But c'mon! Kate Bush?!? Boo'ful and talented!

Posted by: yhbc on August 27, 2002 07:40 PM

Hey, Commish: isn't Delta Burke that amply proportioned woman who caters for the fully-figured and generously-endowed matron for our times?

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 08:17 PM

The same, who revived her career on the often-amusing Designing Women.

I'd still rather take Kate Bush instead, ifyadontmind.

Posted by: yhbc on August 27, 2002 08:22 PM

Well who wouldn't? But have you got her box set, huh?

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 08:27 PM

It's the jealousy speaking; take no notice, Commish...

Posted by: Miguel on August 27, 2002 08:29 PM

All of my matches have many distinguished accomplishments:
Yevgeny Kafelnikov - tennis pro
Jerry O'Connell - stand by me, friend of Wil Wheaton
Bryan White - country music star
Stephen Gately - member of an irish boy band (who just broke up with his boyfriend - needs time to heal, I suppose...)
Test - 98%!
Brittany Daniel - quote: " Brittany did such a bang-up job of playing the snobby Jessica Wakefield on Sweet Valley High..."
Stacy Valentine - porn star
Dolores O'Riordan - of cranberries renown
Ophelie Winter - model, looks like a porn star
Julia Ormond - Actress, Sabrina (the awful remake of the Audrey hepburn flick)

Posted by: krimurlilboo on August 27, 2002 11:26 PM

Males:

Ashton Kutcher 98%
Mark Wahlberg 98%
Noah Wyle 98%
Shawn Wayans 98%
Josh Hartnett 97%

Females:

Amy Weber 99%
Hilary Swank 98%
Vanessa Carlton 98%
Lene Marlin 98%
Julie Delpy 97%

Now I've got to go google for half of these. And continue being incredibly jealous of Adam and Audry Tautou.

Posted by: romakimmy on August 28, 2002 08:20 AM

For Boys, I got:
Michael Gruber 100%
Greg Maddux 98%
Erik Palladino 98%
Shahrukh Khan 97%
Ben Stiller 96%

For Girls, I got:
Your best matches

Marjolein Keuning 98%
Marina Sirtis 97%
Valerie Bertinelli 96%
Peta Wilson 95%
Yasmin Le Bon 94%

I know who two people from each list are...spooky. But, I'm just not seeing me and Ben Stiller...or me and Valerie Bertinelli...really. Although, to be fair, Valerie and I would be a very cute couple. ;)

Posted by: dejah420 on August 29, 2002 12:04 AM
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