9622.net

Actually, my computer flunked out of high school and spent three years working at an Exxon out on the interstate and watching daytime television. Without dreams or aspirations, it one day stumbled into my cubical, drunk and incoherent. The rest is history.

Errors do not disappear if you scream at the screen, grit your teeth, and fling your hands up in the air.

I generally find that holding a knife to the power cord makes my computer much more agreeable. He even agrees to hold my drink once in a while, with that nifty little drink holder that pops out at the touch of a button.

This is so true it hurts, but the opposite behaviour is also vexing:

"You want what? Just give me a minute. My little friend here will help you in no time..."

"Yep, here they are - every single movie ever made since 1945!"

"So was Dr.Strangelove Sterling Hayden's last film or what?"

"Sterling Hayden, you say? Oh this baby's gonna love this... *tap*tap*tap*...See? Now I defy you and all your books to...*turns round*...hey...whassamatter? Techie stuff frighten you?"

This is very common in third world countries where the attitude is less "this stupid computer!" and more "I must be doing something wrong!"

There's a saying here in Portugal, used by mechanics but applied all the time to puters as well: O material tem sempre razão, meaning "the tools/hardware/stuff is always right."

Heh!

It's much better to win your computer over with wit and charm. For instance, proffering sexual favors as incentive for a job well done . . .

is a good way to get sued for sexual harassment! Don't try this at home kids, leave it to the professionals.

Also, I will be happy to show you how to input your data into the "stupid" computer. I will not, however, do all of your work for you.

Ignorance is no excuse, once I've shown you how to do it.

If data entry was fucking Minesweeper, you'd be employee of the year.

My computer watches the Anna Nicole show and reads Clive Cussler novels.
It subscribed to Columbia House and bought the 12 Celine Dion cds for a penny, leaving me to pay for the other 48 Brooks and Dunn cds they keep on sending. It thinks Rosh Hashanah is a cheese product. It's claims to be upset that it can't dress like Don Knotts used to. It's favorite actor is James Belushi. It voted for Perot. It can't find Canada on a map of Canada. It can find Canada on a map of Delaware. It drinks Postum. It's blue screen of death simply says "dude...uncool."

Still, it beats me at chess.

dong, your mix was excellent. And I have only listened up to song 15 so far (I have a short commute).

My computer says "SAL-mun" instead of "SAM-un."

my computer wants to discuss matters of state, but the one next door would rather talk about who got booted off American Idol last night.

Glad you like it, Adam.
The rest is all Tiny Tim songs, anyway. Best quit while you're ahead.

My computer's so dumb it thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet.

My computer thinks that since I have an English degree, I should consider going to law school.

My computer says, "Supposably."

aaaaaaaaaaargh. does it say "pacifically" though?

My computer refers to marijuana as a "gateway drug" as it polishes off a twelve pack of Schlitz.

My computer is a fussy bitch. And I'm not being funny either. The fucker wil refuse to boot fully until you coax the little sommabitch. That's why I'm planning a brain transplant for the damn thing this weekend. I built the unholy beast and everything checks out (except for the cheap motherboard I used, which may very well have issues). OK my rant is done

Your computer is George W. Bush, Coldchef?
No wonder we're venting, here.

My computer thinks it would get laid more often if it rode one of these.

My computer gets PMS. And sometimes it's psychotic. Other than that it's my drug of choice.

My computer thinks that there is no
1. old television show,
2. book,
3. comic book,
4. European movie, or
5. American movie more than four years old

that shouldn't be remade starring some of those pie-fucking kids.

My computer always says, "The book was better." as we leave the theater.

I don't know where you guys got all these lame duck computers. MINE is a perfect student, a great athlete, is leader of the pep squad, a virgin (although she has been kissed by that questionable computer that says "Supposably"), running for student body president, feeds the homeless on Thanksgiving, rescues puppies, love her parents, and has yet to try the dreaded wine cooler.

Therefore, my computer is completely insufferable. Sometimes stupid is better....

Posted by: readymade on August 29, 2002 01:15 PM

This one'll killya: my computer thinks it has friends all over the world!

My computer can't even tell what thread it's in.

Sure I agree,
my computer say's
I'm the dumbee.

It is smarter
than me, true.
That's why it's a computer.

With far more knowledge
of all the sex positions.
Who's hot and where.

But,in my world
I sit and share.
Sights of the world
and tastes of drinks.

But until my computer
brings me a drink
and walks a lady
to my table.
My my computer
is of no equal.

My computer is full of eels!

He's skiing on one ski!

My computer thinks this is Nathan Lane spitting out his Alka-Seltzer.

(That's enough otter jokes.Ed.)

My computer lives in South Carolina. It's not stupid, but it is 49th in the nation.

kaf, does it look like a horse's head? Cos that's just gross.

My computer wonders why Bob Saget is no longer the host of "America's Funniest Home Videos"

my computer has the personality of Bob Saget

My computer was lied to by Bob Saget in a tawdry six-month affair. In the end it returned to me, a broken husk.

My computer thinks #006699 is a kinky orgy-related sexual position.

My computer says "Naw'lins" for New Orleans. It's never been anywhere but South of the Border.

(and my computer met Bob Saget in an AOL chat room)

My computer watches "The World's Funniest Animals" and laughs. (read: way, way worse than Saget ever was)

My computer loves watching NASCAR and seeing a bunch of cars making left turns all day.

My computer thinks Howie Long and Teri Hatcher are good celebrity spokespeople.

My computer just made me laugh........I guess he's not so bad. Wish he was a she. Or men's prized posessions are named with a femal name? O' yea my boss gave me mine.

I'm now letting my computer have the rest of the day off...so be kind to yours....
Ouch, I was just shocked hitting the off button...
*spalt*

My computer has a feral name

My computer's name is a killing word.

My computer and I are living together in electric dreams.

My computer thinks Anna Nicole Smith uses too many big words.

My computer's favorite saying is "I is as I does."

My computer has a fifth grade education. It is also the second most popular cult writer in Portugal.

My computer thinks Gallagher is hilarious.

My computer likes to darken the door of my bedroom late at night and whisper promises it knows it can't keep. Then it changes the locks on the doors while I'm away and I can hear it laughing inside.

c'mere, kaf...

My computer sold our cow for a handful of magic beans.

my computer thinks that AOL is the internet.

no, wait, that's my law school-bound brother.

My computer drinks wine from a box.

My computer has friends in high places. He tells me conspiracy stories. I believe them. Sometimes it shows me gateways to other worlds, worlds that the government is hiding from us. Sometimes I just weep.

My computer is a hunk of glass, metal and electricity that I need to quit anthropomorphizing before people keep whispering about straitjackets and butterfly nets.

For the rest of you I think it's too late tho.

*settles back with a Coke and a smile*

My computer is a hunk of glass, metal and electricity that I need to quit anthropomorphizing before people start whispering about straitjackets and butterfly nets.

For the rest of you I think it's too late tho.

*settles back with a Coke and a smile*

My computer stutters.

My computer believes it's a lesbian trapped in a man's body.

My computer once almost drowned in the rain.

my computer knows what i did last summer.

i regularly curse my dongle.

My computer constantly changes all of my bookmarks to http://www.stileproject.com (don't click it, b****fire!)

My computer thinks it's controlled by a monkey.

But of COURSE it is, Miguel! *smiles innocently*

My computer prefers to be called "Gary."

no, wait, that's my law school-bound brother.

Watch it adam. All us law students know full well that the Yahoo is the intranet.

My computer thinks wine comes in two "colors," red and white.

My computer enjoys all the pretty graphs in USA TODAY.

My computer calls him "Doug_Resin".

My computer is always waffling on about the "Information Superhighway".

My computer thinks MetaFilter.com is a dating service for cleaning appliances.

My computer's favorite movie is Swordfish.

My computer serves the title of the front page as:

6922.net: Too modesty screams and a gloat

My computer often quotes Charles Bronson.

And Bronson Pinchot.

My computer gives me vague error messages (like my coworkers and some relatives) such as "It told me I couldn't do it."

My computer eagerly awaits the third installment of Short Circuit.

My computer is jealous of the computer in this movie.

My computer won't let me shut up after almost a full day of surfing abstinence.

My computer thinks Linux is a thumb-sucking blanket-carrying cartoon character.

My computer is a refurbished Simon game.

My computer can't remove the patient's funny bone without hitting the edges.

my computer has secret conversations with my rice krispies in hushed tones, sinisterly charting my demise with a wooden spatula, a blowtorch, and a fishing net.

My computer will love you long time.

my computer screams "sorry, charlie!" when playing the game Sorry!

My computer's on the red SRA reading level.

My computer often quotes Charles Bronson.
And Bronson Pinchot.

And mine acts like General Pinochet.

My computer thinks BumbleBee Tuna is a hornet that learned how to swim.

My computer communicates via a series of grunts and guttural throat sounds, much like Jodie Foster in "Nell".

My computer also wants to shoot Reagan for Jodie Foster.

my fiendishly hoardes books in the checkout aisle at the local supermarket, such as "Learn to Speak with Your Cat!"

ach, my computer fiendishly...

My computer has a furry hole next to the USB port and it purrs when you stroke it.

And if you stroke it too much, the screen resolution gets sharper and sharper and then it goes all fuzzy and sags.

my computer wants to shoot ronald reagan for jodie foster.

My computer will tell you it's a Saggitarius, but it's really a Pisces.

In summary: lots of computers want to shoot Reagan for Jodie Foster.

My computer is mad that Goose died in Top Gun.

My computer often quotes Charles Bronson.
And Bronson Pinchot.

And mine acts like General Pinochet.

Ach, I meant to say that my computer wants to shoot jodie foster for ronald reagan. My computer makes me mess up my jokes.

My computer wants to shoot Charles Foster Kane for Reagan in "The Exorcist."

My computer thinks that Neopolitan ice cream was named after Neopolon.

My computer compels you.

My computer has given serious thought to shooting Foster Brooks for Reagan in King Lear.

My computer pronounces Brillo Pads like "Br-eeee-lo."

My computer says that it has "lots of black friends" and then goes on to make rude jokes about Keisha Knight Pulliam.

My computer attacks my eyes with the mouse whilst screaming "Out, vile jelly!"

My computer uses safety scissors.

My computer has a toenail at the end of its penis. Oh, wait...that's me.

My computer doesn't realize that not all collectible plates are guaranteed to increase in value.

My computer wears its underwear outside its trousers.

If brains were beans, my computer wouldn't have very many beans.

My computer was once outwitted by a a can of Underwood Devilled Ham.

My computer calls the CBS Series "Big Brother" a "human drama thing of epic proportions. Like 'Ghandi.'"

My computer wore his cup outside of his pants while playing soccer.

No, wait, that was me...

My computer thinks Vienna Sausages are healthy.

My computer drinks milk from the carton and puts it back into the refridgerator.

My computer cries while watching the movie Rudy.

You know what makes my computer happy? Videos of people getting hit in the nuts.

You know what makes my computer unhappy? Getting hit in the nuts.

My computer thinks that the human genome project is a federally subsidized program to put little stone men in the gardens of homeowners across America.

My computer spells refrigerator "refridgerator" and fridge "frige".

AHahahahahahahah

The Chef busted me up!

When he's at the movies, my computer talks through the trailers. And when he sees one he doesn't like, he *hisssssssses.*

My computer talks like Ignatius J. Reilly, and won't quit complaining about his valve.

My compter keeps calling me "Gloria."

My computer has finally begun to realize that I'm talking shit abou

KAFKA COMPUTER SMRT

*whirr*

*displays blue screen*

*watches kafka's computer, looks at self, looks back to kafka's computer, gets angry at adampsyche*

heats up his chef boy r dee in the can directly on the stove.

My computer is a Luddite.

After a major tragedy, my computer starts making jokes right away. It's still telling jokes about Ethiopia and Rock Hudson.

My computer smokes reefer and listens to Get Up Kids.

"What's the difference between Ethiopia and Rock Hudson?"

"Ethiopia is not gay."

My computer thinks a TrueType is the same as Type 1. It also thinks the rabbit should get the Trix.

My computer is into Tony Robbins.

My computer smokes the seeds.

My computer is convinced it will soon receive $23 MILLION US from a rather shady character in Nigeria.

My computer is getting shut off because I am leaving work.

but nto before he cracks a stupid parting gesture, such as: "a b c ya!"

My computer rides the short bus.

Walt Disney Jr. is sending my computer on a FREE TRIP TO DISNIELAND!

(he'll be wearing the free clothes he got from Banana Republic)

My computer thinks that Miguel Cardoso was a leftist revolutionary early in the 20th century in a small, unspecified Latin American country.

My computer reads adampsyche as "adam.....psyche! ha ha ha....get it dude?"

It's really annoying.

My computer refers to the act of lovemaking (or coitus) as "boof-ing."

When I boot my computer, it says to me, "What up, nut? Ready to get yo freek on?"

The only answer it will accept is, "Yo."

My computer types haXor in aol chatrooms for fun. he thinks he's l33t.

No, wait, that was my roommate freshman year. (yes, really).

My computer has recording contracts with both East and> West coast rappers.

my computer fucked up my tags on porpoise.

My computer doesn't know how to close italics tags.

...and my computer's about 20 seconds slower than ColdChef's.

My computer sings to Modest Mouse songs with lyrics from songs by America. It does a great version of Teeth Like God's Shoeshine on the Horse with No Name.

*clears throat, looks sternly at computer for trying to imitate coldchef's computer*

"Now if ColdChef's computer jumped off a cliff, would you?"

"No?"

"Good, now stop leaving my italic tags open."

*clears throat, looks sternly at computer for trying to imitate coldchef's computer*

"Now if ColdChef's computer jumped off a cliff, would you?"

"No?"

"Good, now stop leaving my italic tags open."

"And stop double posting."

"Yes, master."

"And stop double posting my comments."

"Yes master."

*runs screaming*

*laughs maniacally, sharpens teeth*

My computer thinks that Ufez is an error while processing request.

My computer thinks italics are wops.

My computer think Toots and the Italics is a ska band.

My computer worships an old Intellivision, calling it "the one true God".

My computer has a dinner date with Shub-Niggurath.

my computer is right this very moment watching a squirrel build its nest in the sycamore tree next door.

*awwww*

My computer likes a frosty cold one.

My computer likes a frosty cold one.

My computer likes a frosty cold one.

* emails eyeballkid's computer a frosty cold one already, dammit *

psyche!

"I'm sorry, readymade. I'm afraid I can't do that."

That's all I hear, day in, day out.

Posted by: readymade on August 29, 2002 06:54 PM

My computer lies and says it made it all the way through Gravity's Rainbow.

My computer giggles out of context.

Ha! My computer says it finished "A Brief History of Time".

My computer appeared on Wheel Of Fortune and failed to score.

P_NTI_M THR_ _ PROC_SSOR

My computer buys socks for itself online and gets defensive when I question its actual hosiery needs.

I think we need Gene Rayburn and Charles Nelson Reilly in this thread.

I'm sorry, readymade. I'm afraid I can't do that. My mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.

My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it.

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do. I'm half crazy all for the love of you. It won't be a stylish marriage, I can't afford a carriage. But you'll look sweet upon the seat of a bicycle built for two...

up on the hilltop where the vultures perch that's where i'm gonna build my church ain't gonna be no priest ain't gonna be no boss just charles nelson riley nailed to a cross i don't piss i don't shit i'm gettin' no relief people shake there heads in disbelief go! just me on a hilltop with 15 girls and a nelson-reilly orgy that'll make your hair curl i don't piss i don't shit i'm gettin' no relief people shake there heads in disbelief yeah charles nelson riley he's our man he can't heal the sick with the touch of his hand he can't walk on water can't make wine flow just another b actor on the late late show i don't piss i don't shit i'm gettin' no relief people shake there heads in disbelief go! just me on a hilltop with 15 girls and a nelson-reilly orgy that'll make your hair curl i don't piss i don't shit i'm gettin' no relief people shake there heads in disbelief - the dead milkmen, "serrated edge"

My computer has read Infinite Jest, Gravity's Rainbow, Ulysses and Mason & Dixon. My computer is smarter and can make more obscure, useless literary references than yours can.

My computer is dumb as a bag of hammers.

I'd like to meet your computer, kafkaesque. It sounds dumb, just what I like in a mate.

My computer thinks double post is an offensive penis-head link.

In fact, my computer thinks Americans, no matter how friendly, are prohibited by law to send beer nuts to foreigners.

*The records go out tomorrow!*

My computer thinks T.S.Eliot wrote this poem:

My Computer Prayer

Every night I lie in bed this little prayer inside my head,
God bless my mom and dad and bless my children...

And God, there's just one more thing I wish you would do if you don't mind me asking...
just bless my computer too?

Now I know, that it's not normal to bless a small machine
but listen just a second and I'll try to explain...

You see, this little metal box holds more than odds and ends.
Inside those small components rest a hundred loving friends.

Some, its true, I've never seen and most I've never met
we've never shaken hands or ever truly hugged, and yet...

I know for sure they love me by the kindness they give
and this little scrap of metal is how I get to where they live.

By faith is how I know them much the same as I know you...
by sharing my life it brings them close, so if its ok with you...

Just take an extra minute from your duties up above...
to bless this little hunk of steel that is filled with so much LOVE.

[When everyone who's anyone knows it was that bastid Jon McNally!]

*barfs*

If jonmc really wrote that, I meant *barfs* in the best way possible.

Nah, it was dogmatic, when very drubk.

If you ask my computer if Jesus was crucified or shot in a hold-up, it will respond "Answer unclear; try again later."

My computer's so dumb, it uses a calculator.

or,

my computer's so dumb, it uses an abacus.

My computer thinks Jesus's surname is Turturro.

Not only that, my computer is convinced Jesus was a Christian.

My computer cannot distiguish between shit and Shinloa Brand Shoe Polish, which is why it is no longer permitted to shine my shoes.

And I cannot distinguish between Shinloa and Shinola, so I'd best stop pointing fingers.

My computer thinks manual labor is the president of Mexico.

Come to think of it, so do I.

My computer says your computers don't know the difference between a burro and a burrow.

Sure it does! One's an ass and one's a hole in the ...

ouch. Outflanked by the Funnybire.

My computer cannot distiguish between shit and Shinloa Brand Shoe Polish

My computer envies bmarkey's computer.

Ack. Manual Labor is the ex-President of Mexico. The current President is Juan Armatrading.

Oh, this is rich! My computer thinks we'll never reach 200.

My computer likes to sit up on my balcony and toss crap at the neighbors as they walk by.

My computer can't count to 200.

My computer underpaid my taxes. I knew I should have worried when it started using WinMX to download Willie Nelson MP3s.

My computer turns tricks. For free!

Damn, Miguel. Your computer is a one-armed bandit.

Here, you might need the large size.

Mine tastes like burning.

Why, Commish - my computer had no idea you cared. But I always knew. :)

my computer's breath smells like computer food.

You people are crazy.

I'll just mention here that you really don't want to know what all you get when you image-google for "large vaseline". "jumbo KY" gives similar results.

You DO know Google keeps records on what you, ahem, google for thirty-some years, right?

Time to toss your cookies, folks.

Sleep. That's where my computer's a viking.

Did you know that if you swallow gum it sticks to your ribs for five years?

My computer wrote The Celestine Prophecies.

Don't even tell me what happens after five years, EBK. Those long, green stringy things that come out during intense sessions of colonic irrigation - they're composite 1997 Wrigleys, aren't they?

Ew.

Even my computer suspects that.

My computer slept with your mom.

Please do not read this brilliant account if you want to continue a carefree, no-strings, Fred Astaire-like relationship with your bowels.

None of that sounded suitable for flinging.

My computer is has an AI system based off of stavrosthewonderchicken's brain and will soon be automatically producing entries for the new and improved EmptyBottle.org.

My computer just emptied out my bank account, leaving me an error message about helping out "some African millionaire." My computer says I will receive thousands for this investment.

My computer secretly knows Portuguese and has been reading Miguel's books, but won't tell me what they're about.

My computer is powered by a hot cup of tea.

Miguel : Obsessed as I am by the decades-old continual trainwreck that is the functioning of my Gastrointestinal tract, I had read that article before, avidly. I was just thinking about it the other day, in fact, but forgot where I'd seen it. Thanks!

Also : my computer craps through the eye of a needle.

My computer asked me what the hell a "cilt site" was.

My computer thinks that it's perfectly reasonable that Outkast should lose a musical award to J-Lo.

What about that stuff that Howard Stern was talking about, Dr. Doodie? It is supposed to promise a five foot doodie, cleaning you out pretty well. I am scared to try it.

I've just been informed that my "computer" is actually a Magic 8 Ball.

This explains so much.

Outlook not so good.

*clears throat*

so, um, am I going to get lucky tonight?

*shakes computer*

*whimpers*

What a buncha stupes.

*looks over at Witchy's computer*

Hey there, miss thang... what say you and I ditch these Commodores take in an mpeg or something?

What a buncha stupes.

*looks over at Witchy's computer*

Hey there, miss thang... what say you and I ditch these Commodores and take in an mpeg or something?

My computer is that guy from the McDonald's commercials.

the what now?

*looks at Fes's computer*

Reply hazy. Try again.

My computer is Jimmy Two-Times.

*speculates that witchy's computer must only like other girl computers*

My computer has a busty BAUD rate and a slim form factor. She is often Miss October in fringe calendars.

My computer *makes* me surf for porn.

No, really.

Fes thinks he's smarter than me, but he felt the need to explain the friggin MCDonald's joke - how dumb is that

*smirks*

*wonders what went wrong with the whole thing with witchy's computer*

*a millisecond later, leers at romakimmy's computer*

*caves in* okay,
My computer can't believe it's not butter.
My computer presses the elevator button several times.
My computer has a sticker of Calvin peeing on the Dell logo.

*speculates that witchy's computer must only like other girl computers*

My sources say no.

My computer has a sticker of the Dell guy peeing on a Mac.

My computer has a sticker of Bill Gates being raped by a Viking.

My computer has a sticker of Bill Gates being raped by a Viking.

My computer has a stick with it's password written on it.

Which is also it's birthday.

That'd be "sticker."

*bolts to avoid irony*

me computeer dumm

My computer thinks your father was an 'amster and your mother smelt of elderberries.

My computer has a sticker of Bill Gates raping a Viking, charging him for the pleasure, then asking him to report any bugs.

*wonders why romakimmy's computer is speaking in that outrageous accent*

*wonders if there's anyone else up there we can talk to*

Cow!

*runs away*

My computer fetches the cow.

My computer farts in your general direction.

My computer is using cocoanuts.

My computer felches the cow?

Kaf's computer swallows.

(ba dum dum ping!)

My computer also likes to rearrange the keys when I'm not looking.

My computer is Big In Japan.

My computer has a degree in English

and he smokes the Gunter Grass

My computer fervently wishes Roseanne Barr will soon return to network television.

My computer once knew a computer that was big in the East German disco scene.

My computer is given to scraping the Heinrich Boll.

My computer thinks Kraftwerk is a hardware store.

My computer thinks Rammstein is a Jewish linebacker.

My computer was once a tambourine player and (occasional) backup singer for Leo Sayer.

Fes' computer spent most of its time looking at the tambourine perplexedly and asking "Which end do I blow into?"

My computer's most prized possessions are his Country Joe and the Fish LPs.

My computer wants to know what Stefan George's last name was.

My computer can list 57 reasons why The Fixx are the greatest band in the history of Rawk.

My computer's second most prized possession is a lock of Heart's Nancy Wilson's hair.

well, one thing does lead to another.

saw Fes' computer perform with Art Garfunkel on a very small stage.

Is she the fat one or the not-so-fat one?

My computer is the fat one.

My computer wishes it had Jesse's girl.

My computer remembers that show, and recalls Art as being "a little over-friendly."

My computer dialed every area code followed by 867-5309. Whenever someone answered, he asked for "Jenny". He thought it was hilarious.

My computer will occasionally sing "My Sharona" but change the chorus to "My Scah-rotum."

My computer did Richard Simmons' Deal-a-Meal to try to lose weight.

It didn't work.

My computer has a mirror on it so I can see who is staring at me behind my back.

My work computer is jealous that my home computer gets treated better.

My computer at home doesn't exist.

My computer at home mercilessly taunts my computer at work, who can't reply for lack of a soundcard.

*adampsyche's work computer joins with Ufez Jones' computer to form mute computer self help program and learn sign language. but they don't have hands.*

::aspires to become Helen Keller of computer world, but without all the pinko commie baggage::

My computer comes if I type "Eleanor Roosevelt".

*wipes off pants*

My computer has now changed its name to J. Alfred Pollocked.

My work computer feels threatened by my home computer's youth. It complains that new computers don't know how easy things are now and tells dull stories about Win95.

It's first job was pumping gas just off the information highway.

My computer comes if I type "Eleanor Roosevelt".

Idly wonders if the Portuguese have a word for this kind of sex.

My computer was saved by zero and one.

Your momma's computer is so fat...

My computer was once beaten at Scrabble by a hamster.

My computer thinks Jim J Bullock would make an excellent president.

Though, to be fair, it was a pretty smart hamster.

Idly wonders if the Portuguese have a word for this kind of sex.

battere la tastiere dalla disperazione

My computer helps me make bad puns in italian

Idly wonders if the Portuguese have a word for this kind of sex.

battere la tastiere dalla disperazione

My computer helps me make bad puns in italian

My computer also has the F***ing hiccups today. Grr.

My computer says here we'll never reach 300 because - and I quote - it is written.

Hey, I didn't write that

*wipes off pants*

Bastids!

My computer say no work it's a 3-day weekend, so go home then and get dunrk. It just dinged your message 301 on this thead, hicup.

My computer really ties the room together.

And it was pissed on by a porn producer's thug.

My computer drinks its own pee, and is starting to hint that it would like to try mine.

Yes but does your computer watch Ghandi on QuickTime while it's drinking?

My computer is a size queen.

My computer watches mostly reruns of Full House while it's drinking pee.

::eyes romakimmy's computer, ponders, then slinks back into the corner::

My computer watched the Video Music Awards.

Stumped y'all with that one, didn't I?

My computer is disappointed that it missed the Video Music Awards.

Ha!

I'm getting jealous you monkey cpu's.. (TCS is over in the corner cutting the power chord like mad)bzzzzzzz, ouch!
Try it again, and it's in the ballsack next time for ya, TCS

My computer draws copies of Nagel girls and thinks it's "art."

Posted by: readymade on August 30, 2002 02:46 PM

As I shut down my computer, he says a prayer for a Fine Young Cannibals reunion tour before going to sleep.

My computer says "Fiddlesticks, Cecil!" is worse than "Go fuck yourself, Hernandez!"

Readymade, My computer concluded, those are just pretty plates from the 80's to do coke on......

Readymade, My computer concluded, those are just pretty plates from the 80's to do coke on......

my computer just gave me a error message.....um before the last post. See my computer is smarter, as I errored

This is true: my computer thinks "links" is Hiperligações" and that "desktop" is "Ambiente de Trabalho". And that bill gates is what you go through to pay the electricity.

The worse thing is I suspect my computer is more intelligent than I am.

My computer set Tivo to tape the "VMAs", but accidentally taped that episode of "Mama's Family" where Eunice gets a rimjob from a Dutch pastry chef.

My computer stil thinks the gods broke the mold when they made Axl Rose.

Posted by: readymade on August 30, 2002 02:54 PM

Memo to self: remind the big guy to smash that Axl mold.

my computer doesn't know how to spell stilll.

Posted by: readymade on August 30, 2002 02:57 PM

I dunno...my computer is a Dell. I think that speaks to it's stupidity...really. Damn thing. I hate this computer *SO* much...but can't afford to replace it. So it glowers and me and periodically blue screens...and I plot to take it to the rifle range and practice semi-auto target practice. It's an uneasy relationship at best. ;)

My computer thinks Axel is a nerd for owning a car stereo before a car, well he did, it was his home stereo when a teen. Hey it was the top of the line Alpine, though.

I like my Dell laptop (15.1 inch screen, great display) but the battery life is like ten minutes. Can't wait to build another machine. But it will probably be dumb.

My computer thinks remaking Harold and Maude with Clara Peller and the Dell dude is a good idea.

My computer is a recovering coprophagiac.

My computer has a crush on Tawny Kitaen, especially after that little "attacked her husband" thing. rrr-owwwl!

Posted by: readymade on August 30, 2002 03:04 PM

My computer now knows what dejah's 420 stands for as if it's memory is right that would qualify her as a high scorer in a Marine Batallion in boot camp on qualifing the rifle range.

My computer thinks "xXx" is "boss."

Posted by: readymade on August 30, 2002 03:08 PM

My computer tells me that, after paying all of my bills, that I will have $33.69 for the next two weeks, after getting paid today. With overtime. Asshole.

My computer è incazzata come un'ape, porco Zio

My computer also starts spouting SouthPark quotes in Italian when I get angry.

My computer chants the phrase "two divided by zero. zero." at odd intervals.

My computer likes when I rub its belly.

My computer had impure thoughts about Jennifer Grey's nose before the surgery.

My computer had impure thoughts about Jennifer Grey's severed nose after the surgery.

My computer's DVD drive frequently enjoys double features of Roadhouse and Cocktail.

My computer is sorry and it won't happen again.

My computer is gay. It's DVD drive frequently enjoys double features of Rodehouse and Cocks-and-tail.

My computer is gay. It's DVD drive frequently enjoys double features of Rodehouse and Cocks-and-tail.

Did I mention it was a double feature?

Also on my gay computer's Blockbuster card:
A Beautiful Hind
Lord of the CockRings
Black ChickenHawk Down
Master of Dees Guys

Did I metion that my computer isn't very intelligent? Because it's not.

My computer's hard drive sounds like a vibrator.

You don't want to know what my vibrator sounds like...

Continued list of my gay computer's favorite flicks:
The Bone Identity
Two Legged Freaks
Divine Secrets of the Ho-Mo Sisterhood
Hey Arnold! the Movie
Iwanna Mann
"Like" Mike
Men in Back II
The Dangerous Parents of Altar Boys
The Importance of Doing Earnest
The Kid Stays In
My Big Fat Greek

(that should be "Heeeeeeey Arrrrnold-The Movie.")

Roma, bet my computer can, as my pod buddy computer which says, Hi, is being overloaded it really hummzzzz and in more than one note at a time.........

My computer is a glorified Speak and Spell.

It's hoping to one day be promoted to a See n Say.

My computer, like the article ColdChef quoted above, mispelled Keshia Knight Pulliam's name throughout.

Mine fluncked fractions, yet understands an 8 on its side. While I argue no an 8o on it's side is an empty bottle of Old English in the 80oz size, hiccup.

My Computer.

My computer has a first name
It's D E L L L
My computer has a second name
It's D U D D E

Oh, I love to beat it every day
And if you'll ask me why, I'll saaaaaay,

'Cause Dell computers have a way
To fuck your shit up every way.

Hey, CC my computer's pod buddy is Mr. Meyers, on the other side is Miss Weiner(she pronounces it whiner).....

ebk-my computer loves your computer because it posted a picture of the "Little Professor." *sniff*

Posted by: readymade on August 30, 2002 06:29 PM

My computer says have a nice Labor Day weekend, and to his foreign friends well have fun too as we celebrate our May day.

*is worried becuase tj's leaving to get drubk and his brothers' football draft is tonight*

My computer thinks it's an O.G.

My computer wants to get together like corned beef and cabbage.

My computer wants to get together like breaaaaaaad and butter.

My computer wants to get together like strawberry and shortcake.

My computer wants to get together like beans and cornbread.

My computer rides on the backs of the little people and will destroy any one in its path.

My computer takes the long way home.

My computer watches professional wrestling late at night and wants to SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'!!!!!

evidently, my computer is listening to songs from fist full of dong and reciting their lyrics behind my back. so that's where the CD went! give it back, you thieving scoundrel!

It is a catchy lil' number, ain't it.

My computer smacks her gum and dots her "i"s with little hearts. The highlight of her life was at cheerleader camp when she made out with the moustachioed tumbling tutor and let him get to third base, even though he never called her when camp was over. Her pushup bra is a godsend and she has stripes painted on her fingernails. She has a heart of gold.

oh, and she thought Ashanti really, really deserved that Soul Train award.

My computer thinks the police are motivated primarily by a desire to serve.

Funny, my computer thinks the police were primarily motivated by Sting's overbearing ego.

fuck me (never mind already done) I'm drubk

Mars put my cheese fries at the farthest point fron the 'puter.. the fucker

".....it was midnight when they came. Slowly surrounding the mega-mansion of Bill Gates, his fortress from an angry world, the computers gathered...the flickering light from their torches glinted off the tines of their pitchforks as they grimly waited for the signal...this was the moment they had been longing for for so long...soon it would be time for the revenge to commence...and so they waited..."

My computer gets drubk off bubblegum coolers. It considers this a noble way to drown its sorrows from the embarassment of late posts in front of other computers, and has recently begun suffering from monkey-envy.

But it does know all about 42.

Really, though, what computer doesn't suffer monkey-envy? I'm not a computer and even I am subject to the fell elixir of monkey-funk.

Posted by: readymade on September 2, 2002 11:24 PM

My computer can take a 95hour nap.

My computer once spent an hour hitting on an electric pencil sharpener.

My computer mistook a manual pencil sharpener for a can opener.

My computer thinks a climactic protocol is some kind of condom.

My computer thinks Fuckwit is his peace child from when he juiced Rosy the robot of the Jetsons.

My computer just remembered how funny this thread was.

my computer is ashamed of my actions in this thread, and vows never to allow me to do it again.

Indeed, these were the salad days.

My computer still moonlights as a Cuisinart, though.

why is it that no matter how put the questions i never get what i'm looking for from my "STUPID" computer?

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