If you're ever in need of a quick Haiku about masturbation, one need look no further. Ironically I found it via Stumpshaker. His winner:
Holding that flauta.
Where should I put my free hand?
South of the border.
I wrote a haiku
about bopping the bishop
but the site ate it.
I dream of Jeannie
and Samantha from Bewitched
Rub the magic lamp
She really ought to be careful. That thing could go off.
Bathroom Door is Closed
Put the Kleenex Kids Thru School
Penthouse Pets and me
Monkeys make websites.
That is good, but even so
sometimes they need spanked.
I'm very disappointed with the lack of participation in this thread. It's haiku, people! It's masturbation! It's haiku about masturbation!
Kinsey tells us that 98% of women and virtually 100% of men do it. Anyone who tells you they don't write haiku about masturbation is lying.
I think that i shall never see
A poem as lovely as the Fukuoko 9000.
When wanking it sure does the trick
Some say it's better than a pr....
Oh nebbermind!!!!
Hey, it's not a haiku, but I'm at work dammit.
And only 2.5 hours until my salary review.
*barf*
Moment of small death
Life flashing before the eyes
In solitary
A friend of mine wants me to write the text for a book for children, about where babies come from.
Now if I only knew where babies come from.
Des Moines, right?
"Sometimes, the man puts his hoo-hoo-dilly in the woman's cha-cha."
Posted by: Crash on September 30, 2002 12:47 PMWow, weird. I totally thought I was typing somewhere else.
Posted by: kafkaesque on September 30, 2002 12:47 PMI try not to think about the fact that I have little pinhead eggs percolating in my ovaries at this very moment. And that I was born with them. It freaks me out.
Posted by: witchstone on September 30, 2002 01:10 PMTizzie, you go in to that sum'bitch early with no shirt, Bocephus mirrorshades and bottle of scotch, and you DEMAND to be paid what you're worth. And don't you say thank you, neither.
Posted by: dong_resin on September 30, 2002 01:11 PMOn the other hand, it is funny to think of them like those playrooms they have for kids that are filled with balls.
Posted by: witchstone on September 30, 2002 01:13 PMGlamour magazine,
vixen-filled! "Have you seen my
copy?" "Um, no mom..."
House? It be empty!
Internet? Filled with great Pr0n!
Six minutes later...
Just two kinds of men:
those who admit to monkey
spanking, and liars.
and burn victims, too
it's hard to spank the monkey
when you look like Ken.
The nation's groin
Is generally located
Just south of Des Moines
Thinking things like that will freak you out, witchstone. I suggest you immediately abandon that thought, and think about Des Moines instead. Or just get a Fukuoko 9000, and fuggedaboudit.
Posted by: tizzie on September 30, 2002 01:22 PMforgot the toasties.
dong is the expert here, there
are indeed three kinds.
The real question is
Have you ever been caught? Bet
Bunnyfire has.
*wink*
Anyone who tells you they don't write haiku about masturbation is lying. my pod buddies don't deny it, they just can't Haiku, I guess they are my blue ball pod buddies
The one eye monster
It loves to get spewey.....
Yes, it will Ha choo
And that's with goo.
Then God bless you.
No, just thank you.
For pulling my wanker.
P.S. if you 68 yourself, how to make up a, "I owe you one"?
Wait a minute--Frank's dead? Then who was that guy I brought home last weekend?
Posted by: witchstone on September 30, 2002 02:02 PMOne hour till show time,
Will she get a big fat raise?
Ha. 3 percent max.
Even with dong's good advice.
Another good strategy for getting a raise: "My firend, whose name is DONG, told me to say this."
Posted by: kafkaesque on September 30, 2002 02:04 PMDo you think it's even remotely possible his middle name is "Duck"?
Posted by: Unclefes on September 30, 2002 02:06 PMThat actually was the tagline a few months ago, Liam.
Dong! *clap clap* Dong! *clap clap* Where is our auto-mo-bile?
my buddy's roomate was Long Duk, true as I saw the RA's residence sheet, poor guy knew nothing of the joke. It was a co-ed dorm, it was on his door for weeks. My buddy said that he met every chic who walked through his floor yet Long would freak out if you said dong or donger, as he thought the women were being racist.
What'sa happenin' hott-stuff?
I know you've all been waiting....
4 percent. Four Fucking Percent.
that's 70 cents an hour.
$28.00 a week.
It's SO wrong, so very very wrong. *wails and gnashes teeth*
Masturbation in the shower: making sewer babies.
Posted by: eyeballkid on September 30, 2002 03:55 PMtizzie: you are smart and tough. This is your wakeup: time to start hustling the resume around. Don't quit - yet. If 4 points is an insult, time to take it on the road.
Posted by: Unclefes on September 30, 2002 03:58 PMTizzie. Sorry to hear about that. I worked at a hotel once that paid over $2000 to send me to Dallas for three days of training. When I got back, I asked them for a dollar an hour raise, figuring I'd get fifty cents at the least.
They offered me nothing. Not an extra dime. I thanked them for the training that would assure me a better job somewhere else, and turned in my two weeks notice.
Such is the life of a wage slave.
The last hurricane wasn't named after my grandma. This one'll smile sweetly, then take all your money at cards.
Posted by: liam on September 30, 2002 04:16 PMBraids in my palms
They've grown so long
Must now get glasses
Use Nair on palms,
but not as lube
Lest bald balls result.
see, still the same old cheery me.
thanks for all the monkey love.
Really, someone ought
repost the form and ethos
of basic haiku
he said, to snickers
then realized that he had
forgot: cock in hand!
This thread made me whack!
He exclaimed as, in vain, he
covered "the Captain."
Face and 'elsewhere' red,
an odd thought crossed though his mind:
"That wall needs stuccoed."
Apparently, the server does not want me to announce to you all that I got a job working at the company that employs a certain cockeyed absurdist.
Posted by: adam on September 30, 2002 05:55 PMWay to go, adam. I guess the flannel did the trick, eh?
Posted by: Crash on September 30, 2002 06:01 PMNow you're going to have to eat complete and utter garbage too.
Posted by: kafkaesque on September 30, 2002 06:03 PMActually, dong resin was wrong. They were impressed that I could lift a monitor with my penis.
Posted by: adam on September 30, 2002 06:05 PMWoooHOOO! Go Adam! You musta worn the mirrored shades. Smart thinkin'.
Posted by: tizzie on September 30, 2002 06:40 PMHeh.
If phase 2 of me and Brother Adampsyche's evil plot works out soon you shall soon be seeing commercials featuring a feces-flinging primate astride a anthropomorphic bovine that speaks in the voice of Patty Griffin.
You have been warned.
Just to be a complete wiseass, I gave our beloved monkey house a cryptic shoutout in this cheeseball of a thread, but hey gotta have some fun right?
Posted by: jonmc on September 30, 2002 07:30 PMthat was a very Beastie-esque rhyme, jon. Word.
Oh, and you all can make all the commercials you want, so long as the first *Splat* is right up side that Dell Dude's head.
Early dawn stillness,
Firing the surgeon gen'rel.
This day will start well.
**brandishes firearm needlessly, wears conlicting sports apparel**
Posted by: jonmc on September 30, 2002 08:51 PM"*grabs crotch, flaunts gigantic clock on gold chain*"
Oh, that says clock.
Whew.
"wack tenderonis"
wait, lemme guess. some obscure haight-ashbury jam band? or your latest gas station delicacy?
That's beautiful crash.
Does it come in Cheese-covered ranch flavor??
Oh, that says clock.
Whew.
Yeah. And a digital one, too...with a calculator.
Once my dad walked in
Just after I had finished.
"Dad, meet your grandkids."
Today I go
ha choo, ha wohook.
Out my mouth
not my nose.
Too bad today
The blue is hot
It's full of spooey
Yet I'm going home
Two shots of Jim Bean
To sit and watch
movies..........
I have the Flu.
Pardonme, pardon that was great...
"Dad, meet your grandkids."
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