9622.net

Christ. Yet more proof that there is *way* too much piss in the gene pool.

And "ham scented" piss at that!

Would ham scented piss be considered non-kosher?

Hey, not just ham scented -- apparently for some people actual chunks of ham! That would definitely not be kosher.

*falls right over laughing*

I believe the seam in my circumcision may have split open. Especially my armpits.

I will never eat Cream of Wheat again.

Or ham.

I've heard one these when I was 15. A girl friend, notice friend, had some wild girlfriends. They start talking about their clinic experiences, this one I will never forget:
"I have food chunks in my urine." yet she added they were green chunks.

She also thought nothing of it, LA woman for sure?!?!

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
Two words. Mermaid costume.

Arrr! Get over here and dance on me lap, my fishy missy!

She smells o' the sea, she does! Arrr!

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

Releasing semen from where, exactly? Because this could be a perfectly normal occurance.

By the way, I'd like to apologize for this thread and what it may do to your lunch breaks.

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

That would make a great Country and Western song.

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

Shit, who bugged my gyno's office?!

By the way, I'd like to apologize for this thread and what it may do to your lunch breaks.

Filet o' Fish sandwich? Right the f**k out.

I think I'm going to pass on the ham, too.

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

Gawd I miss college.

[harmonica]
"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind.
venereal chancres all down the line
get that ol' doctor put a shot in my ass
hope this damn burning sensation will pass..

Got them STD blues...."
[/harmonica]

*claps*

*ducks*

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

Coincidentally, this is the theme for my bachelors' party.

Arrr! Get over here and dance on me lap, my fishy missy!

She smells o' the sea, she does! Arrr!

FishFucker can be found next to the overturned chair by his computer in a drooling fantasy induced coma. More news at 10.

"My last period looked like meat."

I have absolutely no idea what this could possibly mean. Does she mean the color or the texture or something that I'm missing completely?

Wait. I don't want to know, do I?

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

Also known as the Curse of Dracula's Clap.

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."
What a twat.

I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me.

Shit, did I say that out loud?

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
One of the many hazards of wearing assless chaps.

It almost sounds like the finger was no longer attached to the 70-year old homosexual man.

Or is that gross?

Not really, kaf. Gross would be telling ColdChef what "My last period looked like meat" means.

I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt.

Boy, does that bring back some memories. Good times. Good times.

They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice

Ah, yes. The dreaded gash rash.

Hey, where's b****fire?

I just got back from lunch. Thank God it was barbecue.

Yeah, what kind of meat are we talking about here?

Bratwurst?
Underwood Devilled Ham Spread?
Maybe jerky?
Pheasant?
Venison?
Squab?

Vi-anner Sausages.

Head cheese.

mmmm...olive loaf....

Tuna.

A co-worker once told me of the time he worked in the ER, and a lady admitted herself due to a foul odor in her nether region. This was due, later they learned, to the halved potato she'd fashioned into a makeshift diaphram.

Funniest part is when my friend told this story he said, queenily, "Girl! Don't you know her snoopy was sproutin'!"

snoopy!

So she stuck a potato up her ying-yang and then forgot it was there?

and as for the meat question... two words ...
organ meat.
eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

That's not quite the cartoon character I would tend to think about in connection with female genitalia. Care bears or smurfs, maybe. But snoopy...?

Someone should really get the Pringles people on the phone about this.

it's onomatopoeic...um, or something.

Don't you know her snoopy was sproutin'!"

Ch-ch-ch-chia!

something.

Damn you octobersurprise. I just about inhaled my cigarette.

I am so glad I am not at work today.

when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice

New Vagina Juice™ in conviently sized cartons, also available pulp-free.

It's a winner. Somebody call Tropicana

Re: The snoopy story

The potato thing is actually very common. Older "ladies" in New Orleans do that all the time to ward off menopause (no, it doesn't work.)

A friend, who worked at the Charity Hospital in New Orleans got firsthand experience with this when an older lady came in complaining that, "There's something wrong with my pocketbook." It had also taken root.

True story.

Like I said, this guy is way gay, so you can see how the misnomer came to be.

Although, of course, I adopted it as my own. So long as I don't use it in the heat of the moment, "snoopy" is a real crowd pleaser.

I like "Weezie" or "Woo" or "Wooular region."

A college buddy of mine referred to it as "the gulley" which led to the yet more colorful term "yodeling in the gulley"

This has got to be the most gagalicious thread I have ever seen on 9622.

I looked up the word "gross" in the dictionary and there was a picture of a monkey beside it...

dammit, there I go blogging this, thinking that for once I am one of the first to find it (via the Pile), and then I come here and find that i am late to the party again.

woe is me!

You guys are never gonna believe what I had for lunch.

Fish and chips.

:D

Damn you octobersurprise. I just about inhaled my cigarette.

Crazy Itlians. Always just lighting their smokes and blowing through them. When shall you learn to suck???

When shall you learn to suck???

And thus was another giant can of worms opened.

When shall you learn to suck???

And thus was another giant can of worms opened.

Post, damn thee!

I'm not so sure about that potato story.

The only story I can add is being in my college infirmary and overhearing a conversation taking place in the next room between the nurse and my archnemesis--she'd gotten an infection because her boyfriend (cover your eyes, bunnyfire) "dirty dicked" her. Oh, I never laughed so hard. I was getting my throat swabbed for strep. I darn near swallowed that thing.

And I never used my knowledge against her, even after she announced to a whole room full of people that I had a third nipple.

Best. 9622Thread. Ever.

When shall you learn to suck???
What, the tennis ball thorugh the hose trick isn't enough? Damn. *goes off in search of a Hoover*

Ha! "Dirty dicked." I've never ever heard that term before, yet I know exactly what that is.

A dirty mind needs no context clues.

What, the tennis ball thorugh the hose trick isn't enough?

Sorry, passed out briefly there. What were we talking about?

What, the tennis ball thorugh the hose trick isn't enough?

Now a bowling ball. That would be impressive.

Now a bowling ball. That would be impressive.
My dentist gives me enough shit for having a tongue piercing. Cut me a bit of slack, eh?

My dentist gives me enough shit for having a tongue piercing

What, he prefers Altoids?

**zing!**

Oho! Wait! I just remembered another anecdote, related to me by my mother. She told me once how she'd gotten crabs in 1964 because she'd taken a Berlitz course in a bad neighborhood. Right.

What was she trying to teach me? Never sit on a public toilet. (And also, the poor are wretched, scabrous creatures.)

I have heard it called a "snoopy." I was an intern on a documentary about a woman who had survived a nazi child labor camp. She had become a formidable sculptress by the time I met her while working on the documentary.

Anyhow, the producer wanted some "artsy" shots of a young woman to use as flashback material, so we hired a local artists model to come in and do some semi-nude poses for us.

The shoot was not going well, the photos looked too "canned" and the model was a little uptight. The producer muttered something about getting her to loosen up. Quick as you please, Vivienne, (the subject of the documentary) barges onto the set to cajole her quiet young doppelganger into trying a few new things for the camera.

In her ripe Austrian accent, Vivienne says, "mehbe yooo could show us your schnoopy, eh?"

We all laughed hysterically, except for Vivienne, who didn't understand why the request was so funny. Anyway, it helped everybody loosen up a little bit, although the model never did show us her "schnoopy."

A friend of mine in Chapel Hill always called it snoopy.

My assistant is starting to think I'm epileptic.

And I never used my knowledge against her, even after she announced to a whole room full of people that I had a third nipple.

And thus was yet another giant can of worms opened.

My dentist gave me shit about having a tongue ring too, and I took it out that day.

I liked having it, but it has much potential to cause tumors from the constant irritation of the mucous membranes, which can not form callouses...only tumors.

Treating tongue tumors always involves surgically removing part of the tongue.

Even if he is full of shit, I am more likely to believe him than a piercer.

Because I keep passing out, you dolts.

Why "snoopy"? Although quite adorable, I don't see the connection.

Does it have something to do with the fact he lays on top of his house? Or is it because he's friends with WOODstock?

Think about it. Who doesn't like Snoopy?

Tongue tumors?! WTF? Never been fed that line before, just the "splitting the enamel" stuff. Off to google...

Yeah, but everyone likes pie, and you don't call it... hey, wait a minute...

9622.net: mehbe yooo could show us your schnoopy, eh?

I also have a third nipple. But it seems we've discussed that before.

Oh, and I called the med school friend. He verified the story.

"My Pocketbook!" That's the best part of the story.

"My Pocketbook!" That's the best part of the story.

:)

Whoa! MetaFilter picked up the story, too.

Sure, tongue piercings look cute, and they bring to mind all sorts of randy things you can do with them, but in the end I had to take mine out when I got married because kissing was all "clackety-clackety-clack" on my front teeth. That may have been the death-blow to any coolness I had left taking that thing out.

On an unrelated note, my favorite quote from above is the utterly sincere, unironic delivery of: "I been messing with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them." It's funny because it's true.

Posted by: readymade on October 24, 2002 03:22 PM

Man, you people know some naaaasty genital stories.

I just remember back in highschool, there was this chick named Candy, who had the biggest goddam hair I have seen to this day, who was rumored to have ummm, put some tunafish down there and lured the cat in to play. No word on wheteher it true or not, but I do know she later became a stripper.

Me and my hessian high school buddies would titter knowingly at all these stories as if we were men of the world. Never mind that I wouldn't see anyones genitalia other than my own until my freshman year of college when the artsy chick picked up me and a buddy and shanghai'd us down to this abandoned storefront/art space on Rivington Street(NYC) where the toilet sat in plain view in the middle of the room. Fulla beer as we all were everyone got the proverbial eyeful.

I am truly a freak magnet.

Why "snoopy"?
Maybe it has something to do with that little happy dance he does.

Why did I say that?

Oh my god, tizzie. I think you're right.

Posted by: readymade on October 24, 2002 03:26 PM

You can count me in on the nipple tri-fecta as well, but #3 is quite small and looks more like a mole than anything.

Does anyone but me keep hearing this?

We have an incredibly high ratio of "third nipplers" here in the monkey house. What does that say about us? That we're higher on the evolutionary scale, or higher in the "not quite categorizable species" list?

Posted by: readymade on October 24, 2002 03:31 PM

9622: We have an incredibly high ratio of "third nipplers"

Well, Snoopy is all well and good...It's when she's got Spike that you have to worry.

Or "Vince"

I have three nipples too.

Oh, wait, you mean of my own, right?

I have three nipples too.

Oh, wait, you mean of my own, right?

Oh, and sorry about the link, Commish. I'm a silly man.

Or, of course, Pisso the Alcoholic Dog.

I only have one nipple. Which one of you monkeys has my other nipple!

"Gus". Never date a woman who calls it "Gus."

"The Anaconda Trap" should also be eschewed.

I'm just sayin'.

Or "El Jefe"

That's no good either.

Or "Il Duce"

Another sign of trouble is the "All hope abandon, ye who enter here" plaque next to the clitoris.

"We gonna rape the horses and steel the womens, el jefe."

I'd abstain from those that call it "my precious" too. Or Frida.

mehbe yooo could show us your schnoopy, eh?

In the immortal words of Dr. Otto Von Scratchansniff ...

Or "My Sylvia Plath". That's not good either.

Or "The Man Hole."

Oh, wait. That's a gay bar in New Orleans.

One of those deli number dispensers is a bad sign as well

Or a vending machine safety diagram.

Or a "Caution: Blasting Area" sign.

ahahhahahahahah!

or a "No U Turn" sign

Or "Maximum Clearance 16 Feet"

ewwww.

guys, i think you've scared off the womenfolk.

Must be the trousers.

You only have to get caught inside the blast radius one time...

You never forget. Trust me.

guys, i think you've scared off the womenfolk.

actually, I'm kinda enjoying it. It's like the Vagina Monologues as read by the guys from my high school shop class.

I mean this in the best possible way.

I never had any wisdom teeth. Which obviously puts me up on a higher rung on the evolutionary ladder.

As to signs in front of vaginas, I guess we all hope for the "Slippery When Wet" one.

*pokes head out of kitchen*

Everything all right in there?

*goes back to masturbating*

Last girl I dated had one of them Disneyland "You must be at least this tall" signs on her bedpost.

She also used to hum "It's a Small World After All" when we made love.

Boy, she sure loved her Disney.

Ped Xing

(Who I thought was a Premier of China, actually.)

And on a purely unrelated atrocity, a cousin of mine named her son "John Thomas".

Must be the trousers.

what trousers?

Another quick fact about my Disney girlfriend:

She used to refer to lovemaking as "Riding Space Moutain."

It was dark, you got slammed around, small children and pregnant women weren't allowed, plus, I always had to stand in that really long line.

Better than the Teacups, I guess, Chef. You don't want to be dizzy and motion sick afterwards.

Maybe Mr Toad's Wild Ride?

Hmmm. I guess sex with me would be similar to Dracula's Haunted Castle.

You mean there'd be lots of carnies standing around and watching, right?

Right. And lots of gum on the brick.

Four words:

Mister Toad's Wild Ride

Sex with me is like a visit to "The Hall of Presidents."

Or maybe "The Country Bear Jamboree."

I'm like the gift shop where you can get those Mickey Mouse ears with your name stitched on the back.

Or like The Pirates of the Caribbean:

It involves animatronic, drunken pirates and the water smells kind of funny.

My snoopy is kind of like the "Jaws" ride at Universal Studios.

That comment probably would not be a good first line for a 'personals' ad, witchy.

I'm claiming the Men in Back ride at Universal.

I'm told I'm like the Monorail ... long, slow, and smooth.

Yeah! Woohoo! High Five! *smack*

Nice freudian typo there, Brittney!

... Men in Back ...

Was that intentional? Either way, veerry interresstink.

(great sick minds think alike, tiz)

'Twas intentional. You can be anyone you want on the internet, even a girl who likes butt sex.

That comment probably would not be a good first line for a 'personals' ad, witchy.

One would think, but it's actually worked quite well for me. Of course, my roguish Ukranian charm might have something to do with it.

I'm told I'm like the Monorail ... long, slow, and smooth.

Do you also stop every few minutes and let more people climb on? Because if so...wow.

I'm more like the Merry-Go-Round. Y'know with dizziness and horses and all..

I'm more like the Back To the Future ride at Universal. Lots of rocking, almost painful, but when it comes down to it, it's all just a bunch of fancy lights and mind tricks.

Miguel's like the bumper cars.

And I think we all know why.

witchy, you mean something like this? (NOT work safe)

I'm like Epcot: One giant ball with what sounds like music playing inside.

More vagina dentata scholarship.

Way back at 2:51 PM, Ufez Jones said: "Best. 9622Thread. Ever." And it's only gotten bester since.

**wipes tears from eyes**

Sad thing is, I've actually accomplished a lot today too. See boss, 9622 is good for me, you bastard!

I see no one is stepping up to claim "It's a Small World."

I'm like a state fair (choose your own punchline):

The rides are unsafe
There's a petting zoo
The churros are stale
Jam judging is at 6 sharp
70s & 80s hair bands provide the soundtrack
Inexplicably, there's always a chiropractor booth

Kaf, also:

Riders often seen barfing.

;)

...and plenty of white trash, right kaf?

...and the 4H has it's own tent.

I don't know too much about your newfangled Disneyland ways, but Coney Island used to have an entertainment called The Funhouse where you'd get tortured by a midget with a cattle prod. Roll up, folks!

And they have butter sculptures.

...and bearded womens, and tiny little men, and an Esquilax, a mystical horse with the head of a rabbit, and the body of a rabbit.

From tizzie's link "1998 Butter Sculpture
Tulsa, Oklahoma State Fair"

**cries**

And don't forget, you have to wait half an hour for a ride that only lasts a minute and a half.

Not to mention the neck restraints.

Actually, there is a ride that I'll claim: The Wild Mouse. Note the quote: Make sure you really like the person that you ride with because you're going to be bumping into them quite alot.

I remember when I was a wee bairn, going down the Helter Skelter at Brighton Pier. I skinned my elbow in a grievous way on the rail, and it was a bloodbath by the time I reached the bottom.

That about sums it up.

You don't want to know what happened at the NC state fair today.

Was there a fight over which flavor of Skoal is best?

The butter snoopy melted?

"Mint! You bastard, why I ottah!!!"

If I guess right, can I pick the Jack Daniels mirror as my prize?

can I pick the Jack Daniels mirror as my prize?

No way, man. It's the Aerosmith mirror or the rose with it's thorns or nuthin.

And good to see you, Liam.

*mulls, goes with the Aerosmith, since they ROCK, dude! YEAH!*

its.

I meant its.

*weeps for loss of apostrophe innocence*

*preens mullet*

I believe I'll claim that weird-ass cyclotron ride.

First, you get spun around at a high rate of speed, and after a while you're pinned to the wall. Then, you'll feel the floor drop from underneath you.

Afterwards, you'll have a funny feeling in your stomach, and you won't be able to have a corndog.

why does my room smell like ether?

whoops! didn't mean to hit post there.

I just go for the bungee jump at the country fair. A perilous drop for a hundred feet and over too soon.

And as for the butter sculpture, who doesn't want to grab buttery udders?

Posted by: readymade on October 24, 2002 06:16 PM

Sad thing is, I've actually accomplished a lot today too.

Not me, dammit. Threads like this are when being able to read but not comment really sucks. If I could jump in and say something, I could leave it; but just watching it you get hooked and keep hitting "refresh". Over. and. over. again.

Anathema, that's just spooky. In one of the umpteen tapes I logged for that documentary, Vivienne reffered to an angry period after her divorce when she was churning out a lot of bad art.

Cut to scene: me, sitting alone in the booth, typing up all the dialogue as the tape plays ...
V: "... eye kept drawing all zeese wimmen weese teese in zehconds ..."
me: "huh?" *rewind* *play*
V: "... eye kept drawing all zeese wimmen wees tees in zeh coonts ... "
me: *types I kept drawing all these women with ...* *rewind* *play*
V: "..all zeese wimmen wees teese in zehr cunts ... "
me: *laughs hysterically*

This will be the final jonmc post of any kind from "the ranch." I just punched out on my final shift and I am no longer a retail worker.

**strips naked and does dance of joy in parking lot**

Oh my eyes....my eyes!!!!

* picks up jon's flannel shirt, dashes off *

Hey, he'll want this thing back. I know it. For the right price, he can have it.

Jon is doing the snoopy dance ... or is it the schnoopy dance.

Happy s(ch)noopy dance, jon! I'm happy for you.

I hope you left all your bookmarks so they could see how much "work" you did.

I just punched out on my final shift and I am no longer a retail worker.

We'll hear from that kid. And I don't mean a postcard.

Was there a fight over which flavor of Skoal is best?

Nope. One of the carnies has assumed room temperature. He was trying to retrieve a dropped cell phone from under one of those rides that swing back and forth,(I guess he didn't want to wait till it stopped) and unfortunately his timing was off.

I guess I should be more respectful of what happened but I suspect some coldhearted individual will nominate him for a Darwin award.

Moral of the story-leave your cell phone at home if you are gonna ride the rides. Or at least don't expect the hired help to go after it for you.

Oh lord, bunny. That's either horribly sad in a funny kind of way or horribly funny in a sad kind of way, but either way it's horrible.

I have to say, though, I love "assumed room temperature". That's how I want to be described when I go, it's just not going to involve either cell phones or carnival rides.

Bunny, sounds like he "slipped" and fell under the ride, at least from what the news has to say. No Darwin, but still very sad.

I gotta say, B*****, that was one hell of a good way to put it. Cheers to you.

And many cheers to you, jonmc. I love the feeling of walking out of a shit job (well, any job for that matter) for the last time. Make sure to go back next week and rub it in your ex-co-workers faces, eh? w00t!

"Assumed room temperature".
Gooder.

Also, how am I so late to THIS thread? Genius posting, Chef.

But dong, you are the thread.

Yeah and they took all the best jokes, too. Frickin' typical.

What a sinus-clearer!

dong- imagine how I feel. I came after you.

Wait. That didn't come out right.

That didn't come out right.

Stop now, ebk. You're just digging it deeper.

Actually I stole "assumed room temperature" from Rush Limbaugh. Must give credit where credit is due.
And yes, the guy did trip. I guess I just thought it was not the best idea to try to retrieve the phone while the ride was in action. Poor guy.

Can you hear me now?

THUMP!

**scratches at door naked and shivering**

Can I have some coffee, and I'd like my shirt back pleeeease.

Can you hear me now?

THUMP!

Posted by: I'm so going to hell for this. on October 25, 2002 09:56 AM

Oh my god. Thank makes me so, so angry. How could you say something like that? And why didn't I think of it first?

Security? We have a code 7 in the front of the ranch. Set the tasers on "bowel release" and proceed with extreme caution.

*monitoring the radio*

OK, gents, security just called in the code 7. That means we have two minutes. In the meantime? They're packing bowel-tasers, so crank your pucker-factor to "11." Let's roll!

AttenSHUN! Preeeesent rings! On their salvo, BLAST THEM!

*beams with pride*

Best damn troops I ever commanded.

*sniffle*

I told you not to fire until I got here. Now I missed the whole damn thing.

On a brighter note, i want to announce to my monkey bretheren-MY LOST MAIL WAS FOUND AND DELIVERED. The Senator's office called me to let me know.

No carnies or cell phones were harmed in the process. Not sure about postal workers tho :-)

*flings poo in celebration*

Bunny, I will sleep better tonight for knowing that.

Watch your hea...oooh. Ow. Nebbermind.

get your own blog, fu...

er...ma'am.

Hey, that's no way to treat a lady who mocks the death of carnies! Besides, she's flinging poo now!

One of us. One of us. One of us. Gooble gobble.

We must unite, my pretties! The world will mock our deaths unless we teach them to:

RESPECT THE CARNIE!

"did you hear that boy, the Carnie Code. Did you hear it?"

*flings poo in general direction of jpo*

Everytime you fling poo, Zod kills a carnie.

Everytime you fling poo, I release sperm.

*ponders on the number of carnie deaths she's indirectly caused*
*surfs porn to cheer herself up*
*kills a kitten (indirectly)*

*kitten resurrects and boy is it ticked off*

I have come, not to destroy the law, but to fulfill it.

*gacks up a hairball*

**bites heads off of Jesus Kitten and Satan Kitten**

**licks own bumhole**

*rolls eyes*

**contemplates litter box**

*doesn't believe in any of you*

*doesn't believe in any of you*

a lot.

*Woof!*

*kills kitten again with silver bullet, this time*

You know, b*****fire, Every time you kill a kitten God...

nah, I won't go there.

Four astericks for my name, hon, not five.

And God NEVER kills kittens. I only kill the vampire ones myself.

b****yfire, the vampire kitten slayer!

My, the villans have been hard at work lately!
Dinner just can't be done right without curling up with a good menstrual-meat story or two! I appreciate the omission of campy old scratch-n-sniff jokes- ineffective of late. You really just need the rawness of city clinic hygene.

I highly recommend sitting down for a surf-n-turf,and thinking of this shining gem. Cheers!

Aw, you don't know Jack Schitt from Adam! :)

Thanks, Mig, but he gave me Schitt already.

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