9622.net

"For a panther dude you sure have a lot of bumps."

"Your brain feels all spongy-like."

The power of Monkey Christ compels you!
The power of Monkey Christ compels you!
The power of Monkey Christ compels you!

Koko decides to stick his finger in some pussy.

Alternate: Koko finally gets to third base.

"I can feel your pain, Kukelheimer."

Nonconsentual Simian-Feline Phrenology is a plague that's sweeping this nation. Please give generously to fight this evil before it goes too far.

So very off-topic:

I'm so gosh-darned excited I had to share my joy with muh monkey buddies:

In the 7 months since graduating I have found zero leads in my search for my first post-collegiate job. Today I found three, all of which I am perfectly suited for.

Hell fuckin' yeah, bitches.

Hell fuckin' yeah, bitches

Coincidentally, that's the exact phrase you should use to answer every question in the interviews.

don't feel bad, brittney. It took me 13 months post-graduation to find a job.

May the paycheck goddess smile upon you, brittney, and decorate your future cubicle with pictures of monkeys!

In fact, I need a bit of advice.

The ad says to e-mail a resume and two writing samples. I have my writing samples hyperlinked within my resume, which is posted on-line.

Should I send the resume as a link within the email? Or attatch a resume and the writing samples to the email serperately? I'd hate to muck this up by violating simple etiquette.

And I should preface the resume with a short note (cover letter), right? I have gotten so worked up about the prospect of a "real job" I'm nervous I'll screw up the application process.

What do you think?

Attach separately, as plain text documents so they can be opened with a simple text editor on any OS.

9 years(from when I would've graduated anyway), and I just found one.

I can attatch the resume as plain text, but the writing samples are scanned, published pieces.

Think I should create .txt docs for those?

(Sorry to be so ignorant about such matters. I know not what I am doing.)

hehe.

Brittney, normally I have an opinion about everything, but in this case I thought we should go to the professional. Charles Manson.

It's time once again for Ask Manson, starring America's favorite answer man, Charles Manson.

Our first letter comes from Ronald Gardener from Siaupset, New York, who writes:

"Dear Mr. Manson, how come the muffler on my 1954 Chevy keeps making a hissing sound?"

MANSON

Hiss hiss hiss that's my sound, that's the sound of me... I'm out there, I'm inside your muffler, you don't like it but that's too late, I already got inside. I don't shut up, th...they tried to shut me up, but I'm a big mouth like Martha Raye! I'm a Bing Crosby fan, I'm not a Beatles fan. I got friends out there, they got icepicks and they're going... when you hear me, you better gegock de brock gock

[yells unintelligibly]

[pauses]

I'd check your muffler's seal.

ANNOUNCER:

Ask Manson was brought to you by Happy Children's Toys.

(from The Ben Stiller Show, episode 6)

"Dad, I told you he's at an undisclosed secure location. Now drop it!"

ask Manson...

Brilliant! Definite LOL.

Brittney, why not link and scan? I dunno. I hate job app's.

ask Manson...

Brilliant! Definite LOL.

Brittney, link and scan? I dunno, I hate job app's.

I'm all out of jokes for my double-posts... *sigh*

Hiss hiss hiss that's my sound, that's the sound of me... I'm out there, I'm inside your muffler, you don't like it but that's too late...

Heh-heh-heh. I needed that.

Send plain text. That'll do it.

i always like to work in a subtle comment that implies i've done my research on the interviewer's background;

like "I really enjoyed your portrayal of John Mascot in this piece for the New Yorker -- I couldn't imagine myself doing better. However, I think you should give me this job or I'll tell your wife you've been fucking the mail-room boy in between cigarette breaks. Now get me some coffee."

usually they just tell me to get back to sorting the mail.

If it would help, here's a sample of a cover letter I sent to a would-be employer:

Please consider my application for the position of ______. From my résumé (attached) you will see that I have had extensive experience consuming huge quantities of alcoholic beverages.

During this work, much of my time was spent smoking crack, which allowed me to make the most of my conniving and sinister attitude. As a candidate blessed with a drooling problem, I have never enjoyed working with people and instead spent most of my time eating glue from the supply cabinet.

I am a slob and rarely arrive to work on time. My previous employment required me to protect my cubicle from possible Cuban invasion and document the progress of my daily napping patterns. Administrative duties, I realize now, are performed better when sleeping. I have firsthand experience in sledgehammers of all shapes and sizes, which were the essential tools for my job.

I respond dubiously to new tasks and challenges and value little variation in my work. An opportunity to convince you that a lazy-boy would be a good purchase for my new office within such a gutless company as yours would be met with my utmost dedication and diligence.

My best to your therapist,

Yours, readymade

Okay, it's a little wordy, but I think that it really shows my assets.

(Stop looking at my butt!)

Okay, it's a little wordy, but I think that it really shows my assets.

(Stop looking at my butt!)

Okay, look at my butt.

Well, that's set me up for the day, no mistake. Thanks, readymade, for priming my laugh lines!

I've actually printed it to distribute to my web-lazy friends. Yes, it's that funny! :)

Hell fuckin' yeah, bitches.

Meanwhile, I've memorized Brittney's vernacular. It's so beautifully American - but English also (like Fred Astaire or Cary Grant) - it sings and dances. Amd beats! I'd analyse the prosody but you'd be bored.

Yeah, I can see David Niven saying that.

Only with a lithp.

I'm sorry, I'm not quite sure what that meant.

*pours Stav a much-needed marguerita, with 100% Agave tequila (El Jimador, the cheapest and bestest here), Cointreau and freshly plucked Portuguese lemons, in the blessed proportion of 2:1:1. Squeezes a quarter of a Brazilian lime into the Old-Fashioned glass, knowing that Romakimmy disapproves.*

Thanks, Miguel. I needed that.

Also, I once traded an outboard motor for a case of Centenario reposada tequila. I came out ahead in the deal, particularly because the outboard motor didn't actually belong to me. Heh.

I just noticed that Miguel somehow got Paul Ford to comment in his latest thread at Mefi, and since I'm far too drunk to say anything intelligent in that thread over there, but am totally shameless here, I'd just like to mention that I'm a pathetic ftrain.com fanboy, and actually avoid visiting the site as much as possible because it reminds me what an untalented wanna-be I truly am.

Damn.

...avoid visiting the site as much as possible because it reminds me what an untalented wanna-be I truly am.

That's exactly how I feel about emptybottle.

Thank you, John. A nicer thing has not been said to me in a great and large long time, and you maketh me want to relaunch the site For The Good Of Mankind (or for the flying fuck of it, alternatively) sooner rather than later. If at all.

Now, I must ask : are these oooooohhhh I hurt my brain *whine whine whine* people huge girly weiners, or am I just being insensitive? Uh, again.

9622.net : huge girly weiners.

Oops. Shouldn't auto-tagline. Nevermind the bollocks.

Relaunch and repent, Wordmeister!

Just to second lupo, stav, if it weren't for the bottle (and MLAAG, Metrocake and a few others) there wouldn't have been any VFTC/Cockeyedabsurdist.

No Shit.

Ah, so now we know upon which shoulders to lay the blame.

Et Tu, Witchy?

What evil have we wrought upon this world?

Forsooth, would we never have upon this stage danced, that this fragile orb be spared the long night of eternal soda discourse?

But no, 'tis better that one howl into the empty casement of sweetmeats sugar-laden than to shrink, bereft, into silence.

dude's high!

High indeed, sir!

On the noble wings of jerky, and e'er fairer flights of Deep Fried Skinne o' th' Porke.

The pushcart vendor at the corner of 6th and Spring needs to boil his sauerkraut longer.

And the Jamaican Beef Patty I bought off him is the same shade of yellow as the Brewers cap I'm wearing.

I feel so coordinated for once.

(Disclaimer: I have no idea where that letter came from originally--but I edited it to my liking...and now it has a new life in Portugal, which is very nice indeed)

My own cover letters aren't nearly as colorful. Except one, but they didn't hire me. In hindsight, I think I know why--too much flash and sass, which sucks since it was for a local lefty newsrag. You'd think they would be pro-flash and sass, but alas. Bastards. I showed them! They're slaving away writing bad movie reviews, and I'm here hanging from the treetops with simians. Ha.

Readymade: I enjoyed that letter so thoroughly I blogged it. I happened to read that in the midst of whipping up one hell of a cover letter (if I do say so myself) and yup, I snarfed.

Very funny.

I feel a bit of a sham, since I didn't write the original, and just edited in some nice bits, but WOW! I've never had the verb "blogged" applied to me, so I feel super special. Thanks. Maybe I can be blogged some other time with more original material. Any takers?

No? Okay. I'll have to come up with some really juicy something or another....

you can blog yourself, you know, readymade. despite what your preacher told you, it doesn't cause blindness or hairy palms.

**checks hands**

okay, yeah, I can stand by that statement.

Good luck Brittany! The Ducki Lama and I have been looking for almost a year, and both of us graduated years ago and have much, much experience.

As to writing samples, for scanned work, I usually include a hyperlink in the cover letter as as well as in the resume, and explain that it's scanned...assuming you're responding online. If you're sending snail mail, print the scanned versions at very high rez and send them along. Most of my work is in book form, or brochure format and thus isn't online, so for online responses, I usually tell them that I will bring printed materials to an interview.

Hope that helps. :) Good luck!

A note about posting images:

We encourage users to post images, especially those hilarous pics of monkeys wearing dresses or programming for Linux. But posting images that reside on someone else's server is considered by many to be bandwidth theft. Our thoughts on the matter, along with some solutions to the problem, can be found here. Thanks.

In an effort to help eliminate spam (and to preserve the sanity of the 9622 Volunteer Simian Spam-Cop Brigade) all threads older than 30 days will now be closed to comments.

Name:


Email Address:


URL:


Comments:

Remember me?