9622.net

Fiddlesticks and bagels! Well don't I feel silly.

Though not as silly as I bet that goat feels.

Rev. Wonderchicken: that may be the coolest image I've ever seen.

Fear and Loathing with Muppets.

I'd like to start a campaign to make this the official "good book" of 9622. It's already my personal bible.

Yes! I second that motion! "The Underachiever's Diary" sounds like the title of my autobiography. And I liked this bit from the excerpt:

"All right," my father said, "then he's Bobby. Or maybe Teddy, that handsome devil. They say he might turn out the best of all Joe's sons."

Heh.

I'd say we should get a third monkey to give us a quorum(izzat the word?) but it sounds like too much effort.

Wait a minute, pardon me, underacheivers don't go to law school, man....

I thought that might be an issue ... how about underachievers who go to law school because they can't decide on a major and don't really want to go into the "real world" yet, but aren't really into that whole "law" thing. Don't those count? It's like an underachiever who's afraid to make a decision. And isn't underachieving the same as not living up to potential? I swear I've been described that way since kindergarten.

Know it sounds funny
But I just can't stand the pain
Girl I'm leaving you tomorrow
Seems to me girl
You know I've done all I can
You see I begged, stole
And I borrowed
Ooh, that's why I'm easy
I'm easy like Sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like Sunday morning

Consider it a quorum.

Another lawyer...

But then again, a society of underachievers by it's very nature cannot be exclusive in any way. That's what caused all other "alternative cultures" to be dismal failures.

Actually underachiever's don't form societies. Forget I brought it up. I need more candy.

Another lawyer...

But then again, a society of underachievers by it's very nature cannot be exclusive in any way. That's what caused all other "alternative cultures" to be dismal failures.

Actually underachiever's don't form societies. Forget I brought it up. I need more candy.

and to post again

Mr. Chicken, if I am the one who put Lionel Ritchie in your head the other night, I truly and deeply apologize. But I must take umbrage with your turning the tables on us, especially those of us on the West Coast who wake up later, and due to grogginess are prone to being absurdly easy pickin's in the "song stuck in head" department.

I can't believe it's 9:30 and I have Lionel crooning at me.

readymade, just pretend it's the Faith No More version of the song. You'll be a little bit hipper and a little bit happier.

Stavros, the Goatse Gentleman carol over on the Blue Thing made me answer the next three work calls all giggly and cracking up. I hope it's not too poor an abuse of protocol to post a link to over there.

Death by twisted intestine. Yeesh.

Just for the record, esp. for the newcomers, it's fine to post links to the Blue over here, but we try not to refer to this site on Mefi. The attention it brings is seldom positive.

But there are no hard and fast rules, just suggestions.

Like if your gonna jump out of an airplane, you should take a parachute, but that's only a suggestion.

underachievers don't write books. that guy is an imposter.

Or make sure the plane hasn't taken off yet.

What Lupo is trying to say is: God, please, don't attract any more attention than we've already got! Its like babysitting poisonous eels over here, and I've got enough to handle as it is! For the love of all things holy, don't bring me more nutjobs!

Or, at least, that's what I got out of it.

I suppose goneill, but trust me, as 14k ,certified, bottled-in-bond underachiever of the purest ray serene, I can honestly tell you that this sonofabitch has our essence nailed.

9622: Its like babysitting poisonous eels over here

Of course, I don't know how I'll ever get on PBS or land a book deal if it's just the nine of us hanging out talking about astroglide and monkeyshit.

I'm not an underachiever. I prefer to think of it as The Man holding me down. Which is, of course, the favorite illusion of the underachiever.

...And isn't that technically a quadrilateral of love?

I thought I was the only nutjob around here.
*sob*

BTW, that photo at the top reminds me of the Bremen Town Musicians.

Lupo, I have no clout whatsoever, but if you write a book I'll run it off at Kinko's and peddle it on the street for you. Because I believe that you deserve recognition.

"Git yer red-hot Lupo pages here! They're goin' fast, so step right up--
Read! about your favorite blogfucker.
See! your favorite nude dancing girls.
Fear! the tales of horror from inside the mind of primates who dawdle about on some webpage somewhere."

Fuck all that, lupo. You need a major motion picture™. Eyeballkid can do the soundtrack. Now, who's to play who?

I only know about this place because I used to work with Hota and he saw I had the Blue Screen of Def on my monitor one day. The secret is safe with me (who would I tell?).

Now, who's to play who?

I think Jon Cusack should play me.

Jon Cusack is unavailable. Jon Cryer, however, has an open dance card.

Benicio Del Toro for MIAguel
Seth Green for TCSpike
Adam Goldberg's got to be somebody...maybe fishfucker?

Only one man could play me....

Only one man could play me....

Oh, balls.

That's so funny, jon. I was just compiling a list and I had Jack Black playing you.

I dibs Mayim Bialik.

It's funny, when I first saw the picture of dong on his blog thread, my first thought was that he sorta-kinda looks like Adam Goldberg (with a beard, of course).

Is there any way I can hasten to add that's not necessarily how I normally look without coming off as vain?

no.

phooey.

Madonna, Madonna, Madonna.

People used to tell me that I looked like Fairuza Balk long before I ever saw her in anything. Then I saw her in some witch movie, and it was eerie because she was like my strange doppelganger, but one that I was pretty uncomfortable with. I worried that she's too similar: catty, smartassed, a little nuts. I feared that people didn't recognize the physical similarities, but the social ones instead.

I still have that fear. *sobs*

Psst, Kaf.

For whatever reason I dreamed about you last night. I can't seem to remember anything else except that I recognized you out somewhere and yelled loudly, "Hey Kafkaesque!," and you were rightly embarrassed and then you spoke with me, but all the while I was certain you wanted to leave.

Weird, huh?

i'd like jennifer jason leigh please. did i make your list, lupo?

if we're doing self-assignments, I'll go for John Turturro.

I hope lupo's list comes before I leave work for happy hour.

I stood up in a wedding once and people kept coming up to me to tell me I looked like Michael Keaton in "Batman." Very disturbing, since I was only 30. At least I didn't look like Michael Keaton in "Beetlejuice."

What dong usually looks like.

My wife has said Kiefer Sutherland, but I don't see it. Then again, I don't see anyone else, either. So I guess I'll have to go with Sherman Hemsley.

Heh heh. Just the statement "What dong usually looks like." It's funny!

he's so cheery!

For whatever reason I dreamed about you last night.

It's all part of the Kafkaesque 9622 Publicity Tour. For a nominal fee, I will show up in your dreams, act embarassed, and then leave. Other plans include my image appearing in a condemned food item of your choice in your refrigerator or just going through your stuff while you're at work.

There's a consultant at work who keeps telling me I look like Ryan Stiles, from the Drew Carey show. I don't really look that much like him. This guy was adamant about it though, even saying I should be a professional Ryan Stiles lookalike. I'm not aware of there being a large market for that sort of thing.

poooooooooost?

i gave up on the list. it's so hard to do something like that without running the risk of offending someone. i mean, some people hate jack black, and would be pissed off if you compared them to him.

i did, however, have goneill down as Jennifer Jason Leigh. the sweet virginal one of Fast Times, not the psychokiller of Single White Female.

readymade: Fairuza Balk is hot, hot, fucking hot. you should wear the resemblance proudly.

Jon Cusack is unavailable. Jon Cryer, however, has an open dance card.

Story of my life, btw. Always a Cryer, never a Cusack.

Fairuza Balk is hot, hot, fucking hot.

Concur.

I'd like to have Michael Madsen play me in the film.

but all my scenes would prolly be cut.

I'd like to be portrayed by Ron Perlman. If only so people would have insightful conversations about how Ron Perlman and Tom Waits are actually the same person.

Philip Seymour Hoffman. I called it first.

Or Brad Dourif. That would be cool.

To play me: On a sublime day, Alex Kingston. On a good day, Chelsea Clinton. On a mother-fuckingly awful day, the Sea Hag...

The guy who wrote jonmc's book (above): if I were named "Ben Anastas," I think I'd call myself Benana Stas instead. Much better name.

On another interesting-only-to-me note, at work we are giving a card to The Big Boss for the company's anniversary. Everyone in the whole bloody company has to come to my desk to sign the damn thing. Soooo... I have all these busybodies in my cubicle for the next week, and must pretend that I am working! Aaagh, the agony.

Absence from 9622 makes tizzie a very sad girl.

Actually here's how it would work out.

Me=Jack Black
Lupo=John Cusack
dong=Jason Lee
readymade=Fairuza Balk
ColdChef=Drew Carey
unclefes=John McGinley
cowboy_sally=Maggie Gylenhaal
yhbc=Sam waterston
metrocake=amy irving
crash davis=Sam Elliot

and I'm out of ideas.

BTW, the absurdist is working again.

*knocks wood*

Actually here's how it would work out.

Me=Jack Black
Lupo=John Cusack
dong=Jason Lee
readymade=Fairuza Balk
ColdChef=Drew Carey
unclefes=John McGinley
cowboy_sally=Maggie Gylenhaal
yhbc=Sam waterston
metrocake=amy irving
crash davis=Sam Elliot

and I'm out of ideas.

BTW, the absurdist is working again.

*knocks wood*

*knocks wood again harder*

*feels left out*

*sniff*

Perhaps the wonderchicken would be well-served by a digital recreation of WC Fields. Or maybe Mike Meyers doing a Bono impersonation....

No...Gary Oldman. That's the ticket. Whatever happened to him, anyway?

(a somewhat fat and unwell Gary Oldman, of course)

Mrs. Crash has always had a...how should I phrase this...wet pair of knickers for Sam Elliott, so I'm quite amused by that choice.

She, however, points out that he is much too old to play me (he's actually a year older than my father). She's also far too kind to point out that he is also much too skinny.

But I like the image, especially if he's the burned-out bar bouncer Sam Elliott from Roadhouse. Pre-stabbing, of course.

Because Paul Newman is my favorite political rabble-rousing actor, and in his youth couldn't have been more handsome, this my vote for Stav.

Woo-hoo! Love that man!

The cast is missing tay hota, Mars Crash, TCS, walrus, the always lovely britcakes and witchstone, ebk, Kafkaesquire, goneill, tizzie (madonna madonna madonna), liam, b****fire, and a very heartwarming appearance by Miguel. *sniff*

Guest stars could include: foldy, picachulolita (unless she chose to come back full time a la "Susan" on ER) evanizer, and as cameos, people like Foxxy who say things like: "ha ha u r sooo funnny LOL ROFLMAO!"

I see Frances McDormand from "Almost Famous" for our nubbyriffer. It just feels that way.

I think I'll just keep going since I'm still awake (and drubk). TJ is much like a young John Cleese. He's partial to funny walks and he breaks out hilarious dance steps with absolutely no warning. This is true. I see Thomcat as an older Spicoli from "Fast Times at Ridgemont High." With a haircut, of course.

Our friend the walrus has always brought to mind the illustrations from "Alice in Wonderland." Oysters beware. Brittany is clearly Elizabeth Hurley, although that may be the whole "brit" English accent thing for me.

I-Ball-Kid makes me think of Marty Feldman, but I think he probably looks more like Billy Joe from Green Day. Stav makes me think of Red Wings defenseman Chris Chelios wearing a tinfoil hat. Tizmistress is clearly Susan Sarandon, but I don't know why.

Miguel cannot be played by anyone other than the late Raul Julia wearing a maroon and purple smoking jacket. ...And where the fuck is he, anyway?

Miguel=Raul Julia

Very well done Mars.

I have been compared to Kevin Spacey, both in mannerisms and appearance, at least a dozen times in the last three months, all by different people at school, work, and...no kidding, restaurants.

I'm still trying to figure that one out. But at work now they just call me spacy.

see, this is the problem with playing this game. as cate blanchette might say: "some monkeys that should not be forgotten are lost". what about ufez jones and dejah420 and adampsyche?

witchstone = tall redhead = nicole kidman

brittney: um...julia styles? or, since i have her on the brain, Franke Potente?

Stavros, for some reason, isn't easy to nail down. How about a much younger Gabriel Byrne?

Tizmistress is clearly Susan Sarandon, but I don't know why.
Yay, woohoo! I think it's my thinly-diguised Thelma and Louise tendencies. Thanks, Mars Crash!

More applause for the Miguel = Raul Julia choice!

To play our Dejah, how about Rebecca Pidgeon?

I told you I was out of ideas.

But lemme think:

I'll definitely agree with Gary Oldman for the wonderchicken, witchstone being a former drama major could play herself, Danny Masterson for EBK, we'll make Janeane Garofalo a blonde to play brittney, Denis Leary as TJ, Dennis Hopper as liam, and the toughest is kafkaesque. We need someone tall, charming and funnier than shit. There's a comic named Marc Maron that reminds me of him for some reason, but I don't think it does him justice.

Plus if Jack Black is gonna play me he better hit the treadmill cos I'm a whole person smaller than him.

The rest of youse, I'm just out of ideas.

Ahem...

Gary Oldman for Wonderchicken. No doubt.

Thomcatspike...a calmer version of Kramer.

Adam...Ray Romano. Eating a sausage biscuit.

Witchstone-Susan Sarandon.(Sorry, Tiz. But you can be Goldie Hawn if you want.)

(Sorry, Tiz. But you can be Goldie Hawn if you want.)

I thought they were gonna be us, not the other way around.

If we are gonna be them, then I think it would be more fun to cast us in something like an X-Files episode, where Witchstone could be Scully and Kafkaesque could be Mulder.

Then I could be an abductee, enjoying an anal probe or something like that.

*sigh*. Guess I'll just be the gaffer.

post, dammit!

old school, yo

stop eating my damn comments, vapid wasteland of a site!

Ufez and anathema, ufez and anathema.

Just because I want SOMEBODY to be Steve Buscemi, that will be ufez--even though I know there's an age discrepancy.

Anathema has either got to be Spencer Tracy, a la "Inherit the Wind" (Scopes Monkey Trial, of course) or Gregory Peck in "To Kill A Mockingbird" (Meeee-ow!). Noble lawyers, both, and although Gregory is the more handsome, Spencer Tracy was a firecracker in both his movies and his life.

Anyone else?

Or Benicio del Toro for Ufez. Because Benicio is hot.

Dennis Hopper as liam

Damn. I thought I'd kept my psychotic side well-hidden hereabouts.

Just don't start sniffing my gym shoes, that's all I ask.

*sigh*. Guess I'll just be the gaffer.
Is the fluffer postion taken yet?

**momentarily loses ability to think clearly**
**gibbers**

Don't you mean "gibbon"?

Ah, the divine Ms. Roma. Where hast thou been hiding yourself?

You would be Sophia Loren. Of course.

eh, I've bit off more work than I can chew lately, ready. Pure and simple.:-(

Sophia Loren? I'm flattered. But I must admit I look nothing like La Loren. Come to think of it, I've never really been compared to any famous face.

eh, I've bit off more work than I can chew lately, ready. Pure and simple.:-(

Sophia Loren? I'm flattered. But I must admit I look nothing like La Loren. Come to think of it, I've never really been compared to any famous face.

Per l'amore di Dio, post!

since it will be an (almost) non-speaking part, can I just play myself? as opposed to with myself? for once?

see romakimmy's back. now everything is better.

romakimmy, Miguel is missing. Seen him about?

yhbc=Sam waterston

Okay, this is a little embarassing, so I'll go all out.

At least a half-dozen times in my life, I have been mistaken for Joe Piscopo. I think it's the chin, or maybe the nose, or maybe both.

Anyway, he can play me if he wants to. I think he needs the work now anyway.

Is it just me or does everybody look at the title of this thread and sing "Tri-aangle of love..in a pink cadillac..."

post?

Anyway, he can play me if he wants to. I think he needs the work now anyway.

Awww...that's sweet! I changed my mind. I want Tim Kazurinsky to play me.

Well then, Belushi's ghost can play me, we share similar tastes and apettites.

Christ. I'm selling this laptop to someone today, and before she leaves, she tells me that I sound like Kevin Spacey, specifically from the movie Se7en, when he's in the back of the cop car at the end. Argh.

Hell, some lady I met at a wedding told me she thought I looked like Jason Sehorn. I do not see it.

I sound like Kevin Spacey

Well you do have that way of going on about punishing the wicked, and then there's the thing with you cutting off your fingerprints with a razor-blade.

I mean, come on, Adam.

And the tree air fresheners. Can't forget about those.

Se7en is just about the scariest movie ever, in my opinion. But The Shining is the scariest.

Sheesh, you people.

Well if the fluffer job is already taken, I'd like to put in my dibs for a cameo or two as Jonathan Richman.

Unless Matthew Broderick is available. Naw, actually, even then.

Readin' 9622 with the RADIO ON!!

I'm in love with modern moonlight
128 when it's dark outside
I'm in love with Massachusetts
I'm in love with the radio on
It helps me from being alone late at night
It helps me from being lonely late at night
I don't feel so bad now in the car
Don't feel so alone, got the radio on
Like the roadrunner

That's right!

Whoops.

Actually here's how it would work out...

*feels left out*

The cast is missing tay hota, Mars Crash, TCS, walrus, the always lovely britcakes and witchstone, ebk, Kafkaesquire, goneill, tizzie (madonna madonna madonna), liam, b****fire, and a very heartwarming appearance by Miguel. *sniff*

*feels even more left out*

Guest stars could include: foldy, picachulolita (unless she chose to come back full time a la "Susan" on ER) evanizer, and as cameos, people like Foxxy who say things like: "ha ha u r sooo funnny LOL ROFLMAO!"

*feels not so much left out as insulted*

see, this is the problem with playing this game. as cate blanchette might say: "some monkeys that should not be forgotten are lost". what about ufez jones and dejah420 and adampsyche?

*sobs*
*hooks garden hose to exhaust pipe*
*forgets to shut garage door*
*curses inability to do anything right*
*drinks a fifth*
*(of Kool-Aid)*
*has sugar buzz, feels better*
*thinks of monkeys*
*laughs*

Ohmigod! Don't do it! You know that monkeys have very small brains and string cheese memory!

You of course would be played by Edward Norton, because I think he's hot. His roles have little effect on my thinking that he's hot--it's more because he seems like a brain in the real world. And smart is, as we all know, very sexy.

Geez, readymade, I guess I shouldna cast myself. Everybody's gonna be played by a "hot" guy but me.

I'm played by a (musical savant, charming and funny as hell, I'll grant you)fat horny slob.

Talk about yer naturalism.

Commish, are you in a better mood now?

Ed Norton? You mean I throw a major league hissy fit and all I get is Ed Freaking Norton? What about your unclaimed Pitts and Afflecks -- your Damons and Clooneys? Whither Cruise or Gibson or Diesel (Vin, not the fuel)?

Pfft. I never wanted to be in your stupid ol' movie anyway.

*kicks can*

(by the way, for the sarcasm-impaired, every one of my comments in this thread was intended to be humerous, not literal. except for the part about Sherman Hemsley. that is all)

I don't know, jon. Fuck Her Gently is one of the sweetest songs I've ever heard.

If I could play it all the way through to some hot little number without being slapped, I'd know I had found true love at last.

And pardon me, pardon me, but do you mean to tell me that you'd rather have pecs-for-brains Vin Diesel playing you than Ed "Salma Hayek's boyfriend" Norton?

I wouldn't cast anyone here as the Affleck's or the Damon's of the world because they give me indigestion. Clooney, I may give a break because of that whole "O, Brother" thing, and Pitt is cute in that wooden sort of way, but really, I can't tell you the compliment paid by casting you with Ed. I love Ed. I used to want to be Ed, except that I'm female. And nowhere near Hollywood. And probably not a very good actor. But all that aside, I just love Ed.

Just because I want SOMEBODY to be Steve Buscemi, that will be ufez--even though I know there's an age discrepancy.

Heh heh, too funny.

Or Benicio del Toro for Ufez. Because Benicio is hot.

My girlfriend thinks he's way hot too. My beer tells me to say this: "I &heart; readymady for-evah. I schwear!"

Erm....that should've been:

""I ♥ readymady for-evah. I schwear!"

Erm....that should've been:

""I ♥ readymadE for-evah. I schwear!"

Wow, does that mean I'm like, psychic or something?

I think I really like your girlfriend, ufez. Good taste.

::yawns, still in pajamas::

::realizes it's 2 pm, shrugs::

I like the idea of Maggie Gyllenhaal as me, but I've always thought of my character as male. A handsome ruffian male. Since Sam Elliott (pant pant) is already taken, I humbly request Indian-Runner-era Viggo Mortensen, or Bad-Lieutenant-era Harvey Keitel. Because to play me, you have to predisposed to whipping it out for the role.

I'm a Method actor.

personal note to jonmc follows:

what's up dude, i thought we were friends. i mean, we've met, we've embraced, and yet, on this vip list i'm nowhere to be found. nowhere. i mean, sure, i might not be as exciting as your other monkey friends, and i might not post as often, but, we live in the same city. we've traded beers, we've laughed at the same jokes, i just don't understand. what, what have i done to be slighted as such?

No slight intended. Just like stavros, you're a tough one to pin down. This is why I'm a data-entry dude and not a casting director. :)

I wouldn't cast anyone here as the Affleck's or the Damon's of the world because they give me indigestion.

Well, nobody said to eat them for god's sake.

I've always thought of my character as male. A handsome ruffian male....predisposed to whipping it out

**sinks very deeply into Freudian morass**

A bunch of people sitting around typing? Regardless of the all-star cast, that is one boring movie, my fellow monkeys.

Mars, I've got the plot taken care of: we decide to step away from our keyboards to search for Miguel. We race all over the globe to various exotic cocktail establishments trying to find him--a la "Mission Impossible". Actually, probably more like "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World".

I picture Evanizer as the sort of Dr. Evil character, holding Miguel captive in his secret lair, strapping our debonair Portuguese playboy to some bizarre laser-beam/conveyor-belt contraption, an evil marmet on his evil shoulder, before the crack team of "good" monkeys bust in and save the day.

readymade: wear one of those ursula-adress-in-dr-no jobbies, will you?

Vin Diesel? *begins Pavlovian drooling*
One would think a simple request for a threesome with Vin Diesel and Asia Argento would be granted for Xmas, or for one's birthday, but noooooo. Instead one gets batteries. Lots of them. Feh.

Romakimmy, perhaps Vin and Asia wished for the same thing, so you will have it on one of their birthdays. See, ya gotta look on the bright side.

(when I said "marmet" I meant, of course, "marmoset")

"ursula adress", lupo?

What are we talking about here, a sexy postal worker?

I'm glad you clarified that marmoset thing, because this guy could never be evil.

Although this dude is already evil, as is this stuff.

(And I kinda like the idea of a sexy postal worker, especially if it's Ursula Andress)

(*saves image to internal mental hard drive*)

That makes me think of an old joke:

A bum is panhandling in the theatre district. A well dressed couple walks by and the bum says, "Spare some change, mister?"

The man says, "Neither a borrower, nor a lender be - William Shakespeare."

The bum thinks for a minute then says, "Go Fuck Yourself - David Mamet."

Has anyone noticed the disturbing turn of events over at Total Viscosity Breakdown?

A nice bit of writing there, Crash.

Lupo: You can talk to Fairuza about that--I'm a little too flabby for Andress-wear.

Oh. Oh dear.

This is fancy. Nice!

Nightdongs at the diner,
Emma's forty-niner.
It's a rendezvous of strangers
Around the coffee urn tonight,
All the gypsy hacks
And the insomniacs......

Since I've decided to pop out of the woodwork, I'll take a walk-on role, requesting brick-shithouse Sigourney Weaver or Linda Hamilton to play myself, the gas station attendant, of course. Tom waits will be my assistant window- washer.

Ps. I'm sure with Mortensen in as cowboy_sally, it's an oscar-winner for sure.

off topic:
anathema is now the proud owner of
www.slapyourass.com and
www.sexylaw.com

Oh, is Halle Berry not taken yet?

She should step in at some point during the bar scene, get drunk on a couple shots of Wild Mary, and stumble around slobbering until she finds Adam.

Then she can parody her other role and wretch out a "MAKE ME FEEL GUUUUUUUUUUD" and vomit on herself. At that point, I would have to jump out from around the corner and beat her silly.

A bunch of people sitting around typing? Regardless of the all-star cast, that is one boring movie, my fellow monkeys.

Blog the Movie..typesetter in everyone...

Your right Crash boring...but the camera angles would be a treat. [imagine] you would see the insides of a computer then tunnel vision of you traveling through optic cables then...

...someone's facial expression of them typing a response to ?someone? ?somebody? ?somewhere?.

You mean Tron?

Sort of Hackers meets Weird Science meets Driving Miss Daisy?

meets Ordinary People meets Caligula?

meets Mad Max...

OK, so speaking of halle berry's other role, I've seen the "make me feel goooood" scene and it looks really....stupid. Monster's Ball is coming up in my netflix queue, and I kinda don't feel like seeing it, but I feel like I "should". Who's seen it, and is it worth my time?

I am learning to listen to those voices, Lupo.

Instead of the ones that tell me to eat only Dinty Moore Beef Stew for a week straight.

who cares? It's Halle Berry. Naked. 'Nuff said.

She was topless in Swordfish and I have to say it wasn't worth sitting through just for that.

I somehow fail to buy that Travolta even knows how to turn a computer on, much less "hack" anything. That film did have an excellent piece of doo doo hacker movie dialogue though:

"Poppin' the firewall, Droppin' the hydra."

giving it a place in the litany of fine films which contain phrases such as "access the mainframe".

eggs and sausage and a side of toast
coffee and a roll, hash browns over easy
chile in a bowl with burgers and fries
what kind of pie?

I don't know, Monster's Ball was entertaining, if you'd like to see Halle Berry beat her kid and tell him he was fat and stupid. Apparently, that's what can win an Oscar these days. Just don't see it right after Dancer In the Dark. It will ruin your good weekend.

Peter Boyle made Monster's Ball worth sitting through.

man, was he scary.

no, really.

She was topless in Swordfish and I have to say it wasn't worth sitting through just for that.

Well, that's why Al Gore created the internet.

Well, that's why Al Gore created the internet.

My point exactly.

Halle Berry voice:

"Make me feel gooooood!!!"

Clever Al. Monster's Ball was....mmmm sad and depressing and completely unconvincing...how a born and bred bigot then makes right by making Halle Berry "feel Goooooooooood"- yeah in that way (and then you think, well who wouldn't?)

Listen to those voices...see the movie, then do like we did and make fun.

9622: sad and depressing and completely unconvincing

"A nice bit of writing there, Crash."

Someone's actually reading it? Holy cow.

Thanks, kaf.

Well there's some nudity worth sitting through anything for. F'rinstance I heard that Christina Ricci has a nude scene in her next movie and I don't care if it's a documentary of cancer in goats narrated by Robin Leach in pidgin Slovenian. I'm there for the Ricci nakedness, yo.

I halfheartedly second the halfhearted suggestion to watch Monster's Ball. Yes, Peter Boyle rocks. Also, Mos Def has a small role, and I thought he did a good job. The film itself is unique in that this really traumatizing stuff happens at the *beginning* of the movie, so you're sitting there all gutwrenched expecting things to start looking up and for those bunny rabbits to pop up singing zip-a-dee-doo-dah, yet the trauma is unrelenting. Until the end, when Billy Bob feeds Halle chocolate ice cream (get it? *chocolate!*). And then it ends.

For a real smash-up time I'd recommend a tripleheader of Monster's Ball, Dancer in the Dark, and Requiem for a Dream. And some crushed up Dilaudids and a fifth of JD.

Those pills are not good for you. I'm concerned.
And where the fuck is migs?

Oh, OK. Howzabout some crushed up Flintstones vitamins and a pitcher of Tang?

Oh, OK. Howzabout some crushed up Flintstones vitamins and a pitcher of Tang?

Pooooost?

There was a short video file recently on the 'pile that displayed for all to see the incontrovertible fact that Bill Bob and Halley were really truly doin' the dirty thing in aforementioned film.

The only downside of watching it was the fact that Billy Bob's Stretching Scrotum will now be forever imprinted on my mental etch-a-sketch.

Post, by crikey!

*forever rues the habit of reading from the bottom of the thread up*

But thanks for the warning anyway, dear wonderfowl.

Hear, hear, cowboy_sally. And then a nice, snug noose.

9622.net: a documentary of cancer in goats narrated by Robin Leach in pidgin Slovenian.

the incontrovertible fact that Bill Bob and Halley were really truly doin' the dirty thing in aforementioned film.

Really? That's interesting. Frankly, I think that if I'm paying 10 bucks to see a movie (in greater Manhattan) I'm not out of line to expect to see some real live action. Because what are actors besides overpaid whores anyhow?

::feels circle of alienation widening::

It is impossible to overpay a whore.

That is one of the things that made America great, dammit.

All of our circles of alienation are widening cowboy_sally. But, here in monkeyland they all interlock into one big olympic flag of desolation and oddity. I guess you could call us greagrious misanthropes.

Because what are actors besides overpaid whores anyhow?

I don't begrudge actors their pay. I've watched a lot of great films in my day, and I appreciate the craft of acting. It's the cult of celebrity that's the problem, People Magazine and that crap, not the actors.

What am I besides an underpaid corporate whore, anyhow?

Only a goddam commie would question Billy Bob Thornton's scrotum's ten-million-a-picture deal.

I've been chewing this Black Black gum all morning. What an unusual taste sensation. I think I'm catching a buzz.

Thankfully lunch includes Twinkies and Tang.

Hey, all's I'm sayin' is I'd like to get paid even one percent of what Billy Bob's nutsack makes in a year.

Well my aunt's hairdresser has this client who used to do Billy Bob's nutsack's taxes, and let me tell you, that wrinkled bag of Bobjuice made more off the back end of Monster's Ball than the nape of Peter Boyle's neck, both of Halle Berry's pits and the oil squeezed from Heath Ledger's mullet (may it RIP) combined.

So don't feel bad, cowboy_sally. No one person makes that much money anymore.

Yes, but sadly the hair on Ernest Borgnine's back has had to file chapter 11.

And knowing Ernie's back hair, it probly filled up Chapters 12 through 15 as well.

(woodyallen)
My point being, ah, is that there's a lot of it, not casting aspersions but he'll make a nice rug for Liza Minelli's new place someday.
(/woodyallen)

Also. Have you heard Billy Bob's nutsack's latest record? Kind of lackluster, but the cover of "It's Not Easy Being Green" is sorta soulful, scrotally speaking.

I used to be a BBT fan, but Pushing Tin pretty much put an end to that.

Also. Have you heard Billy Bob's nutsack's latest record?

I liked the duet with Nina Hagen.

Having said that, I may just have to take a little looksee at this. I'm on kind of a zombie movie "kick" these days.

I think I kind of lost it on Billy Bob too. I liked Sling Blade and One False Move though. The Man Who Wasn't There was good, but didn't really stay with me the way the other Coen films have.

NunSexHickRock

The only movie I've seen Billy Bob in is Bandits, which I found fairly enjoyable if incredibly predictable.

So this nutsack, it vibrates?

The Man Who Wasn't There was good, but didn't really stay with me the way the other Coen films have.

Amen to that. It wasn't bad, it was just kind of, uncomfortable, I guess.

The good news is my drink pouches of Orange Uproar Tang has a picture of a swinging orangutang on it. The bad news is I seem to have ruptured one of my Twinkies in transit.

The good news is my drink pouches of Orange Uproar Tang has a picture of a swinging orangutang on it. The bad news is I seem to have ruptured one of my Twinkies in transit.

Sufferin' Succotash, Post!!

It warms my heart to know that you thought we wanted to know about your lunch so much that you posted it twice.

Crash, if you've never seen Sling Blade, you are missing out. Yes, BB is over-hyped, and maybe even overpaid in the judgment of some of our testes-assessing monkeys, but Sling Blade is brilliant.

Sling Blade - better than a ruptured Twinkie.

'Strue. Slingblade was good. Extra points for Dwight Yoakam content, too. And Jack Tripper.

Let the "french fried taters" references begin.

You know, I never tire of the "French Fried Taters" references. honestly.

Don't forget the peckers. The peckers in the potted meat.

Benicio Del Toro for MIAguel
Seth Green for TCSpike
Adam Goldberg's got to be somebody...maybe fishfucker?

Give me someone closer to my age group.

And the award for most taglines in one post goes to:

*rustles paper*
*opens envelope*

Jonmc!

9622.net: they all interlock into one big olympic flag of desolation and oddity.

9622.net: I guess you could call us gregarious misanthropes.

*holds out golden poo statuette to mr. mc*

**weeps**
**thanks mom and dad and God**
**looks at poo statue and wonders if he provided the...er...model**

You know, I could never get over Slingblade. That movie just etched his face in my head, and all I could pitcure from then on was that face smiling stiffly from between Angelina Jolie's legs and grunting "MMmm-hmmm!".

Very disturbing.

Sling ßlade has a pretty kick ass soundtrack too

and what-not.

mmm hmmm

I'm glad someone noticed my kick-ass soundtrack. boom-chicka

You know, I could never get over Slingblade

Here was my introduction of Billy. If you have never seen it rent it good good flick, a sleeper.

...then read the credits, and enjoy...the rest of the story.

..introduction to Billy, both of them.

you're all crazy.

Are we, Miss Ill?

*takes off glasses dramatically*

Are we?

*puts glasses back on somewhat less dramatically, accidentally poking self in eye in the process*

Or are we the sanest people you know?!

*slowly takes glasses off, chews thoughtfully on earpiece*

God help us all.

*exeunt*

Hey! Stop chewing on my glasses!

*turns toward the window, watching rain pour down*

Oh really? I resent that remark.

**puts on tinfoil hat and macrame thong, jumps out window attempting to fly**

i just read this entire thread, and for some reason i was able to read as an unbiased observer. it's sheer madness around here.

i mean, why does this personality, 'jonmc', keep talking about food?

it's sheer madness around here

No it's Sheer Energy around here. We just love the tireless support and style they give us. Plus, when the need arises, we can pull them over our heads and rob candy stores.

Son, you got a panty on your head.

is this a singularity?

Well, I wouldn't want to be too specific about the gravity of the situation.

I vill be here all zee veek, mit der geeky humor.

from above; so that was the problem, the thread was erratic a little while a go go,,, here Kaf here are your glasses back.

poo statues.

That's it, you people are sick. I shouldn't be here. It's been fun. I'm gone.

kafkaesque is my hero.

i heart kafkaesque.

here is a natural place to dispay those statues,,,err squat them.

9622:That's it, you people are sick. I shouldn't be here. It's been fun. I'm gone.

I'm glad someone noticed my kick-ass soundtrack. boom-chicka

Yes?

I just saw the most bizarre juxtaposition while changing channels: on one news show, Richard Armitage saying how we absolutely have to go after Saddam because he doesn't respect the UN, then on PBS, a former state department guy saying it is irrelevant if France and the rest of the UN don't support the US, we need to go after Saddam.

And goneill thinks we're crazy.

I think we should go after France because they don't respect the cock.

Note: I have not seen Magnolia (nor do I plan to), I am merely using an admittedly dated pop-culture reference to try to make it appear as if I get out more often than I actually do. Plus it's always fun to make light of the French.

I hope so tizzie. The whole topic is becoming, regurgitation for me. Especially since I may have a brother on the front lines of it all.

I think most feel this will be another glorified police squad...with death. From both side of the fences, honestly my bro's don't want to kill just to kill. No one in their right mind would think less. But to Protect, they are willing to give their life.

It just seems so unfair to think, it all in, at the end...of ...a war.

I'm probably revealing myself as an abject ignoramus, but...

I don't get it.

boom-chicka-bowm-bowm.

Only one man could play me....
Posted by jonmc at January 17, 2003 04:14 PM

For a price, you can go to The School of Rock and suggest it to him.

People used to tell me that I looked like Fairuza Balk long before I ever saw her in anything

Readymade, that is so funny because when you posted a link to a picture of you that was my first thought.

And Fairuza Balk kicks ass. Although I really just want her career. Except for that really bad movie Deuces Wild that I just saw this weekend. Every single line was stolen from another movie, I'm pretty sure.

Back in my black hair days, when The Craft came out everyone was saying "Hey, that evil witch in the Craft reminds me of you."

Let's start a fund! The Help jonmc Meet Jack Black Fund. Like a make a wish foudation for music dorks, except I'm not dying. Except in the Bob Dylan "He not busy being born is busy dying.." sense.

See, I'm such a music dork. I gotta meet Jack Black. I am Barry from High Fidelity...

I just got around to reading this thread this morning. And I should probably be played by Mary Louise Parker, since she's the "You look like blank" that I get the most.

But secretly, in my heart of hearts, I want to be played by Alison Elliott, who I have only seen in two movies (The Spitfire Grill and Wings of the Dove), but I think she's beautiful and fantastically talented and also has had black hair and red hair. Also, she got to make out with Linus Roache. Also, she's only 3 years older than me instead of 10. Also, she was apparently in a movie called Monkey Trouble.

On the other hand, I think Toni Collette could do a great job with me as well.

Thank you to Google and IMDB for all those links! Goodnight!

Hard Days Night, dammit!

Don't mention it.

I knew it! Google and IMDB are sleeping together. Dude, I totally called that last year.

jon, you'd be disappointed.

Somehow I can't imagine jonmc yelling at someone for requesting "I Just Called to Say I Love You."

anathema- don't tell me you've met him, too..

witchstone- you're right. I'm sadly too compassionate and accepting. Tis one of my fatal flaws.

I, on the other hand, will throw sharp objects at the requester's head.

I, on the other hand, will throw sharp objects at the requester's head.

twice

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