9622.net

Does that cat look like it's choking, or do I just see the worst in things?

I lo--

I care for you very deeply but I still need to see other articulate drunken simians.

There isn't a monkey alive of a certain age who doesn't tear up when they fondly remember that fist bong they made out of a kitten.

My wife went to work at six o'clock this morning and took her keys with her. Normally this would not be a problem, but she also took my keys with her. This made things a little dicey when I had to take the kids to school at 8:00.

This is the point where I tell you all to never, ever, under any circumstances throw away old keys. On my "ring o'keys which will never be thrown out" I found a key that once went to an old Chevy Impala (which was scrapped in Dallas many years ago) that just happened to fit the ignition of my Monte Carlo.

I can't lock the doors because there's no door or trunk key, but I can still make an eleven o'clock meeting at work, so that's something.

Now, the question I put to you, fellow simians, is "What is a suitable thing to say to the wife when she gets home tonight?"

I divorce you
I divorce you
I divorce you

Problem solved.

Happiness is a Warm Gun

"Honey, let's go get another set of keys made. While we are at it, can we stop at the pet store and look at the kittens?"

It's just barely quarter past 11 and I'm on my second bag of vending machine chips and I've got a 3 Musketeers bar on deck.

I think I'm on a bender, chimp brethren.

That's funny, my wife went to work today without her keys.

*vultures over jon's music collection*

Just leave me the punk, okay?

"I divorce you
I divorce you
I divorce you"

Too Islamic.

"Honey, let's go get another set of keys made. While we are at it, can we stop at the pet store and look at the kittens?"

Too nauseating.

"I think I'm on a bender, chimp brethren."

Perfect.

Actually, it's:

"I break with thee!
I break with thee!
I break with thee!"
Then you throw the dog poo-poo on her shoes.*

*©Steve Martin

In this case, of course, monkey poo is an appropriate substitute.

Crash, this Monte Carlo, does it have t-tops? The first car I ever drove was a 1980 Monte Carlo with t-tops. I was 15. My boyfriend was 25 (it's ok, though, 'cuz he was touched in the head so we were on the same level). It was his car. We could start it by twisting a putty knife in the ignition switch thingy just so. Good memories.

Last time I saw him he'd lost some of his teeth and was working for the railroad. Sold the MC, too.

Wait, what was the question?

....he'd lost some of his teeth and was working for the railroad.

But you did'nt get to see him till night time, cause his job kept himm busy all the live-long day....

I tried to resist. It was futile.

Now, the question I put to you, fellow simians, is "What is a suitable thing to say to the wife when she gets home tonight?"

I'd go with: "You've been a naughty, naughty girl. Now come over here and get your spanking." (But that's just me).

jon, did you see this?

Personally, I'm a big fan of the Morningstar® veggie corndogs. I know, I know, contradiction in terms.

oh...my...god..

or are y'all just glad to see me?

The possibilities are endless.

I love those things too, anathema. Their Chik-Patties are pretty good too. And the Spicy Black Bean Burgers. MMMMMmmmm.

Boca makes a better breakfast "sausage."

Mmm, have you tried Gimme Lean? That shit is bumpin'.

I'm surrounded by blasphemers.

Pheh, I'm think I'm ready to move beyond breakfast sausages anyway into the brave new carnivorous world of Scrapple!

Do I dare?

If you were truly brave you would try the veggie stuff.

*ducks*

And if you were braver than that, you'd try the duck.

I'll bet that none of y'all have had goetta for breakfast. Now there's some good eatin'.

And if you were braver than that you'd try the squab.

Hi, kids. Long-time reader, first-time poster.
(All together now: "Hi, Ken.")

I just have one question. Why is that monkey eating that kitten?

(Conversely, geek that I am, I am reminded of the Star Trek: TNG episode in which Data creates a daughter out of Play-Doh and silicon chips, or something. Daughter says, upon seeing a guy kiss a girl for the first time: "He is biting that female!")

And on another postscript: Real Candy Bars Have Nuts.

Hi Ken. Are you sure you don't need help with any homework?

Homework all done. Desk is a mess, though, as usual.

Can I still go out and play?

Ken? Sounds Familiar? Didn't you used to date some impossible tall blond chick with huge hooters and no nipples?

I always kept a spare pair of nipples around. A loaner pair, if you will.

The wear and tear was a Sight To Behold, or something.

But she took off with them, no security deposit, no nothing. Feh.

"What is a suitable thing to say to the wife when she gets home tonight?"

1. Honey, I have a new diet for you, you eat what Jon eats...when he eats via internet updates..yet that may be enjoyable..

2.never, ever, under any circumstances throw away old keys. Give her the old Chevy Impala key. Well it works the ignition...

Fuckin' A. Another new guy? I'm getting tired of this initiation stuff.

Fuck me in the goat-ass.

welcome, ken

Hey, what's wrong with new people?

If you were really really brave, you'd try the goat.

So the new user orientation package has arrived, yay!

I'm all tingly. No, really.

Even if it is my turn in the barrel.

Much welcome to those who are new.

And pie.

try the goat

I go really well with the raspberry viniagrette.

If you are referring to the "barrel roll" from this film you're pretty close.

I think I'll take a nap. But I leave you with this from one of the local weekly rag's police blotter:

"A man shoplifted four boxes of condoms and two boxes of tampons from a downtown gas station last week. Guess he was covered one way or another."

Hey, what's wrong with new people?

How many new folks do we have?
Ana
Ken
boomchicka

Howdy & welcome. Missing anybody, and hi to all the viewers too.

Now where are our missing administrators: Kafkasque & Cold Chef.

I did find Kaf's friends, who knew of his double life.

"Crash, this Monte Carlo, does it have t-tops?"

Nope. It's a hardtop:

My son, who will be sixteen this year (God help us all) thinks it's the coolest thing ever and looks forward to driving it to school. However, he's not pulling the GPA he needs, and will instead end up with the Grand Am that caught fire a while back (remember that?) if he can't bring his grades up.

Damn, crash, that's some incentive.

Pull up your grades or you drive the fiery ball of death! DEATH!!!

Oh, and TCS...ana is anathema. Not new.

Y'know, Crash, I think I may have my old Impala's keys laying around somewhere, too. Actually, I think they're on the keychain with the keys from my also-long-dead '77 Nova (RIP). It's just nice to know that I finally have some justification for keeping them around so long.

Present.

(I'm just having a tough coupla weeks. But I'm fully lurking.)

*waves*

*recloaks*

Chef: wherethefuckyoubeen?

Aine: my first car was a '77 Nova Concourse. It was affectionately known as "The Pig".

aine42 and ColdChef! Long time no see! You (and everybody else) should stop by the shirt thread and pick your favorite before the deadline - end of day on Monday.

Mine was a '78 Monte Carlo. Light Blue. Known affectionately as "The Beast."

by the shirt thread

Tizzie, I read that a whole 'nother way at first. As in "I'm gonna hang you by your shirt threads" (best when accompanied by a fist-shaking) or "whew! made it by a shirt-thread." Either way, it works.

(P.S. and happy birthday!)

Crash, is that your car in the photo? It looks way too pristine to be given to the likes of a 16-y-o! Besides, you'd need to teach him how to drive it with the seat back and his left foot sticking out of the window (or is that strictly an upstate NY phenomenon?).

with the seat back and his left foot sticking out of the window

I do that all the time in the summer with my little two door Saturn. And I'm 6'3". It's very relaxing though.

Oh, and TCS...ana is anathema. Not new.

I had a feeling it was him, that's why last Saturday, I didn't give a howdy then...but that is still a piss ass excuse on my part, howdy anathema ;P

Kaf in a movie?

Kaf, how busy are you:

Kafkaesque Alliance

Even a recording: Kafkaesque Pere Ubu Album

"Crash, is that your car in the photo? It looks way too pristine to be given to the likes of a 16-y-o!"

Yes, that's the actual car (It's much prettier now, though, with some big fat raised-white-letter 60-series tires, and that obnoxious chrome-look plastic removed from the bumpers), and yes, his mother says exactly the same thing. She wants me to get him something that has the acceleration of a Volkswagen with dirty spark plugs, but something that contains as much steel as an aircraft carrier and is already either covered in rust or primer.

Of course, she only says that 'cause her first car was a four-door Mercury Montego MX and she wants him to feel her pain.

Kaf, how busy are you:

Kafkaesque Alliance

Even a recording: Kafkaesque Pere Ubu Album

ok, uh I go away do some work, and I come back durbnk, only explanation I can give for the double posting...

So ColdChef is posting to MeFi but not here? What's up with that?

ooops! Guess I should read all the intersitial posts. *waves to CC*

New guys have to buy beer for the wonderchicken.

*waits*

*waits*

*waits*

New guys have to buy beer for the wonderchicken

What if some of us are new girls?

I am an equal-opportunity beer-receiver. I do accept girly drinks, too, as has been noted in the past. (I just noticed it's exactly halfway around the calendar since I posted that drinkydrink soliloquy - Solal festival rather than Chusok. Neat.)

My god, man! That was in September? We are a verbose bunch, aren't we?

I remember that night fondly. Too bad all of your freaky pix are gone.

jpoulos -- my '77 Nova was "The Tardis" (she made roughly the same noise as the sound effect they used on Dr. Who. It wasn't a good car noise). My '86 Nova was "The Death Nova." (I still don't know why. I didn't name her.)

They were good little cars. Sure, I like my Camry, but it'll never have the place in my heart the Novas do. *sniffle*

u smeel y not does it work anis cheaseeeee r the

Damn, I gotta lay off the nitrous.

(joke. that wasn't really me. i don't think)

I knew it.

Stav's channeling again.

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