At last, a guide for living it up 9622-style:
How to DRIVE FAST on DRUGS while getting your WING-WANG SQUEEZED and not SPILL YOUR DRINK
Yes, it's probably older than some of you, but it's still good readin'.
Posted by mr_crash_davis at April 11, 2003 04:04 AMI recall that I linked to this one night long ago, back in 1983 or so, I think.
I know that was before the InTArWeb existed, but there's a story here, you see.
Gather 'round, folks.
(wiggly vertical lines)
Eleven years from now, I take such a mind-croggling dose of DMT that I find myself able to time-travel, and in this glorious peripatetic pandimensional state, poked by crystal elves, I am inexplicably able to come up of nothing more fulfilling than to go back to 1983 and embed deep within a 16k ROM chip in a discarded TRS-80 Model III Personal Computer a few peeks and pokes that would eventually become the code which, thanks to dedicated research leading to the creation in 1997 of a Radio Shack emulator written by a 29 year old virgin in Los Muebles New Mexico named Reggie, would virally root, nest and propagate itself across the internet over the intervening years, and sometime in 2002 auto-generate a Moveable Type post on the website known as Emptybottle.org, linking to a URL which would (a few years before) come to be the online home of this amusing PJ O'Rourke article.
(wiggly vertical lines)
Which I can't find right now, as I've been drinking beer again.
Posted by: stavrosthewonderchicken on April 11, 2003 06:32 AMGood ol' PJ O'Rourke. I've read almost everything of his, and though I tend to disagree wtih much of what he has to say, he is frickin' hilarious. I think I tried to do a book report on Republican Party Reptile when I was in junior high school.
Posted by: adampsyche on April 11, 2003 07:51 AMI'm also a fan. Best and most true thing I ever heard P.J. say was along the lines of "if you don't drink, the first thing people automatically assume about you is that you're an alcoholic."
Posted by: dong resin on April 11, 2003 08:02 AMNational Lampoon trivia: O'Rourke and Doug Kenney wrote the Yearbook Parody, about C. Estes Kefauver Memorial High School, Dacron, Ohio - a fictional rendition of my own (and Kenney's) alma mater - Harvey S. Firestone HS in Akron, Ohio.
Yes, more proof that it's a damn small world.
Posted by: tizzie on April 11, 2003 08:27 AMWhen most people look at those kind of coincidences and proclaim it's a small world, I usually just take that as proof that the world revolves around me.
PJ's Holiday's in Hell was good, as Eat the Rich.
Posted by: adampsyche on April 11, 2003 09:11 AMNot to make you jealous, but this is where I'm going tonight:
Tribute Band War at B.B. Kings Blues Club.
The acts are as follows...
FEATURING:
Mr. Brownstone "The World's Premiere Guns N Roses Tribute"(Midnight)
Bad Medicine - The Bon Jovi Tribute Show(11:00pm)
Unchained - A Mighty Tribute To Van Halen(10:00pm)
Kiss Nation - A Tribute To Kiss (9:00pm)
Ducktape Cowboys (w/members of 2 Skinnee J's -performing 80s Metal Power Ballads) (8:30pm)
Hosted By Corn Mo
"The 1 Man Heavy Metal Accordian Band"
(I have seen Corn Mo before. He sang songs like "Junior High Was a Very Good Time" and "Timecop"-based on the Jean Claude Van Damme film).
NOW WORSHIP ME.
Crash - you and I, we must have fallen off the same branch. :)
Posted by: Miguel on April 11, 2003 11:08 AMOkay, I read the first few paragraphs and just didn't find anything funny about it.
Is it because I'm not attracted to teenagers?
Posted by: witchstone on April 11, 2003 11:31 AMHere in Dallas, we have "Hell's Bells" an AC/DC tribute band. There's also a KISS tribute band, and *shudder* a Dave Matthews cover band that doesn't have a name. They're always just listed as "Dave Matthews Cover Band". Fucking lame-brained limpdicks.
Posted by: ufez on April 11, 2003 11:35 AMThey're always just listed as "Dave Matthews Cover Band".
Jesus. How hard is it to look on the back of a CD and pick a song title to name your band?
Ants Marching. There. You've got a name.
Posted by: jpoulos on April 11, 2003 11:39 AMGuy With the Annoying Kermit Voice and His Ass Clowns?
Posted by: witchstone on April 11, 2003 11:42 AMWhat the hell am I working a 9 to 5 for? Who wants to be in my Cinderella Tribute Band?
"I count the falling tears
They fall before my eyes
Seems like a thousand years
Since we broke the ties
I call you on the phone
But never get a rise
So sit there all alone
It's time you realize
I'm not your fool
Nobody's fool
Nobody's foooool
I'm no fooool
Nobody's fool
Nobody's fool
Never again no no"
it's a small world, I usually just take that as proof that the world revolves around me.
"if you don't drink, the first thing people automatically assume about you is that you're an alcoholic."
How does a drunk change a light ball? Holds the bulb in the socket and lets the world revolve around him/her.
OK.
I'll buy that you maybe have some spelling problems and maybe you're operating on some completely other level than the rest of us, Thom, but "Light ball"?
What gives, man?
Posted by: kafka a la king on April 11, 2003 12:42 PMTributes Shmibutes. I get to see my beloved Zambonis live this weekend. Nyah-Nyah-Nyah!
And it's 1! 2! 3!
The Kids Love The Monkey
4! 5! 6! The Monkeys Got A Hockey Stick
The Children of the Forest have always called it a light ball.
Posted by: witchstone on April 11, 2003 01:35 PMBut the Children of the Forest don't really use electricity, so it doesn't matter how they screw their light balls in.
Unless there's something I don't know.
Posted by: Chico on April 11, 2003 01:55 PMChico, let's take it as a given that there's always something that you don't know.
Example: did you know that there was a piece of broccoli stuck in your teeth?
I didn't think so.
Posted by: witchstone on April 11, 2003 02:00 PMchange a light ball?
My thinking about light after having had an encounter with a St. Elmo's Fire on a plane flight, not the movie the real deal, but didn't realize I had written that...hehe ha; oh hum. Can I be excused now to go get a beer, that may sober me up.
ok, HOLY SHIT DUDE!!!! I just learned that the infamous, incredible, unstoppable, even-cooler-than-monster-trucks-destroying-vampire-volkswagens-in-dimension-seven MELT BANANA is coming to St. Louis!!! I have been waiting over two years for this day. I have not been this psyched since learning the release date for Fellowhip. Are there words for "Rock!" in the English language? Yes, there are. Are there enoguh? Not fucking even.
Posted by: kaibutsu on April 12, 2003 08:16 AM
"Frontwoman Yasuko O.'s ultra-high-pitched screeches and Agata's screaming slide guitar vie for supremacy across a rhythmic frenzy that is so ridiculous and precise, it will crush you with it's brilliance."
hahaha!!!! I once listened to three Melt albums on repeat for something like three weeks. The drawings were insane. The math was insane. I was insane. It was as though the world had become the eye of a hurricane raging in my skull, free of cease, full of mad joy. Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh yes.
Posted by: kaibutsu on April 12, 2003 08:30 AMMelt Banana are great live (and I used to love the Skin Graft comics). I'm surprised you never caught them in Boston, I think they have played the Middle East at least a few times over the years. This brings back some great memories of seeing some other Japanese bands, Ruins, Boredoms, Ghost. I think I'll listen to Pop Tatari when I get home, haven't heard it in a while.
Posted by: ana on April 12, 2003 09:39 AMMelt Banana are great live (and I used to love the Skin Graft comics). I'm surprised you never caught them in Boston, I think they have played the Middle East at least a few times over the years. This brings back some great memories of seeing some other Japanese bands, Ruins, Boredoms, Ghost. I think I'll listen to Pop Tatari when I get home, haven't heard it in a while.
Posted by: ana on April 12, 2003 09:39 AMI've never listened to them, but I once heard of a three-member U2 cover band that called themselves "The Joshua Trio."
That never fails to make me laugh.
Posted by: ColdChef on April 12, 2003 09:44 AMYeah, I had really bad luck with Melt in Boston... For example, a week after leaving town for Budapest I got an email from a friend who claimed it was the best show he'd ever seen. *grumblegrumble* But I'm not bitter or anything.
Posted by: kaibutsu on April 12, 2003 10:26 AM(Oh, I got your mix, ColdChef. Pure Power. Thanks for sending it along!!!!! Everything I'd hoped for and more!)
Posted by: kaibutsu on April 12, 2003 10:27 AM"I got the style but not the grace
I got the clothes but not the face
I got the bread but not the butter
I got the winda but not the shutter
But I'm big in Japan I'm big in Japan But heh I'm big in Japan"
Which is Tom Waits. But if you prefer, there's always This old classic, presented here in an incredibly cool format.
(tangential narrative sidenote: At a party in Budapest thrown by a bunch of the ahm, less fun math kids, my firend Jeff and I found ourselves bored and reading the newspaper. Jeff: "Dude! Alphaville is playing Petofi Csarnok as we speak!" Me (loud): "Alphaville!?!?! What the hell are we doing here, then?" We later learned that tickets were $50 US, which is even more ridiculous in Hungary, and decided it was just as well we missed it...)
Posted by: kaibutsu on April 12, 2003 11:11 AMYa know, I remember buying a crappy used tape for $3.00 by Alphaville. I believe it was called "Afternoons in Utopia," and I also remember pledging the rest of my life to make sure no one else bought it. Mission accomplished.
Posted by: Mars Crash on April 13, 2003 12:09 AMAnd yet people still carry on about that Ben Franklin person.
Posted by: dong resin on April 13, 2003 12:47 AMI want to head up a Zebra cover band.
: crickets chirping :
Anyone? :D
(But Witchstone, how I envy you!)
Posted by: roe/metrocake on April 13, 2003 01:06 AMWitchstone, how was the show?
I saw Corn Mo a few weeks ago when I visited new york, and I must say he totally rawks.
Posted by: eddydamascene on April 13, 2003 05:36 PMTribute bands, eh? (OK, so I'm a little late to this thread. Drunk. Remember?)
Posted by: Cyrano on April 13, 2003 09:34 PMCorn Mo ended up singing 4 Motley Crue cover songs (3 with a band) and they were actually quite good. The bands were great, I got a lot of compliments on my hair. One of the guys from Kiss Nation even broke away from his cover band groupies to tell me that he liked my hair.
Unfortunately, I was wearing a wig.
Posted by: witchstone on April 14, 2003 11:33 AMAnyone ever listen to the MiniBosses? Yeah, sure, they sound like shit, but it's funny as hell hearing a metal-like garage band playing the full score of Castlevania III...
Posted by: kaibutsu on April 15, 2003 08:57 AMHe who will rise, he will fall again.
I see in your eyes, castles in Spain.
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