Nah, I'm not bald.
Plus, I prefer the All Berries Cap'n Crunch.
Posted by: jonmc on April 23, 2003 09:16 AMI fell in love with one of the Blue Men, although it was doomed from the start.
Posted by: witchstone on April 23, 2003 09:36 AMYou have to take into account the imminent jaundice too, which would leave him really more of a pea-green.
Posted by: ufez on April 23, 2003 09:59 AMYou know, Ralph Lauren's daughter Dylan runs a place on the Upper East Side called Dylan's Candy Bar, a two story spiffily designed temple to the god of refined sugar. I've visited and was impressed with the three-foot-Pixy-Stix and rice krispie treats made with Trix, but what unnerved me was the fact that they offer Birthday Parties which raises the spectre of a gaggle of sucrose-buzzed kids ninja-warrioring around like miniature businessmen on a coke bender.
Plus I hope they give their employees a good dental plan.
Posted by: jonmc on April 23, 2003 10:18 AMWow, that candy place is scary. Too pink and sucrosey for me! I'm more of a "dive" girl, myself.
Posted by: tizzie on April 23, 2003 11:06 AMI wonder if she goes by Dylan Lauren (which sounds a bit repetitive) or Dylan Lifshitz.
Posted by: witchstone on April 23, 2003 11:13 AMimpressed with the three-foot-Pixy-Stix
Did they also have the giant Sugar Daddy, Jon?
Posted by: tcs on April 23, 2003 11:28 AMAs I recall, yes. And gummi-coke bottles, and gummi teeth. Sadly no gummi butts.
Posted by: jonmc on April 23, 2003 11:36 AMNothing says "breakfast" like a raw and bleeding upper palate, courtesy of the Cap'n.
Posted by: kaf on April 23, 2003 12:45 PM
Who is this, you may ask? Why, this is Latonia, the girl who got a hold of my stolen wallet and made a fake ID with all of my info and her picture. Armed with this and my stolen credit insurance cards, she opened instant credit accounts in at least 14 different stores, racking up around $6,000 (I'm still finding out more places each day). Luckily, the police caught her after JC Penney became suspicious. Otherwise I would have been very confused when I started receiving all these credit cards in the mail this week.
It's even featured in the Clarkstown Police Beat (7th paragraph down, under Forgery--hey, at least it ain't prostitution in my name!). I'm practically famous.
Posted by: witchstone on April 23, 2003 01:03 PMI was just going to say "I like what you've done with your hair".
Posted by: jpoulos on April 23, 2003 01:06 PMArmed with this and my stolen credit insurance cards
Sorry, that should read credit & insurance cards, in case that was confusing. At first I was wondering why she would keep my insurance card--then I realized that she used it for my SSN & place of employment. Bitch even found my home & work numbers to put on the applications.
Posted by: witchstone on April 23, 2003 01:09 PMFuckity fuck. How badly are you going to get hosed on this, Witchy?
Posted by: Fes on April 23, 2003 01:15 PM"I envy jonmc's ability to run cool on any fuel."
Don't be silly. Everyone knows:
"If you wanna run cool, you've got to run on heavy heavy fuel."
Posted by: Crash on April 23, 2003 01:18 PMHow badly are you going to get hosed on this, Witchy?
Well, since she got caught, it makes my life a lot easier. It helps that the police were able to take as evidence many of the things they (she & her cohort) had purchased that day. So basically, I've just had to call up the different stores and explain what happened, refer them to the case number, etc. I've had to put a fraud alert onto my credit report at the 3 main bureaus (bureaux?) so that no one, including me, can get instant credit. It's something I should have done as soon as my wallet was stolen, I now know.
I kind of hate to give up that Today's Man credit card, though.
Posted by: witchstone on April 23, 2003 01:27 PMWow, the police actually gave a shit?!? Lucky you!
When it happened to me, I called around and found out he had ordered pizza with my Visa and had it delivered, so I looked up the address and found out his name & number, called to make sure, then reported all that to the cops - including the time and date he was taking an Amtrak to Washington DC with tickets he bought on my credit card... and they never even stopped by to visit. Their "fraud bureau" said that a couple thousand bucks wasn't worth worrying about.
Vernon Spencer on Vine St. in Cincinnati! Hope he had a nice vacation! Maybe he and Latonia got together for drinks.
Posted by: tizzie on April 23, 2003 01:37 PMHey, what about the guy who stole the soda and you ended up buying him one? Let's put him on the list, too.
I think it helped that it was the store calling, not me. I didn't know anything about it until that night. They needed my signature to hold her for the hearing or somesuch. Also, they had discovered that the guy had 7 felony convictions, and she had an open warrant out for forgery.
Posted by: witchstone on April 23, 2003 01:41 PMWow. I feel lucky all of the sudden. When my bank card number got electronically nabbed last year all they did was send $200 worth of Victoria's Secret goodies to Kazakhstan and sign up for some German fetish porn.
Still took about three months to clear up, though.
Posted by: Cyrano on April 23, 2003 01:44 PMThat sucks, witchstone, but I'm really glad they caught her. I had someone try to open several lines of credit in my name a couple years back--they even had my mother's maiden name--but luckily one of the credit card companies called me because they were suspicious. The one nice thing about reporting fraud to those credit bureaus is that you won't receive any credit card junk mail for a year.
Oh, and I recommend to everyone that you photocopy the front and back of everything in your wallet and keep it someplace safe. Makes things a lot easier when you lose it.
Posted by: cowboy_sally on April 23, 2003 02:00 PMI didn't have a credit card until I was 28 years old and within 2 years I had botched my credit rating so thoroughly that no one in their right mind would steal my identity. Although I am still offered "pre-approved" cards on a daily basis.
I never thought that being a adulthood-avoiding spendthrift would have such strategic advantages.
Posted by: jonmc on April 23, 2003 02:06 PM9622.net: send $200 worth of Victoria's Secret goodies to Kazakhstan and sign up for some German fetish porn
Posted by: kaf on April 23, 2003 02:12 PMWay to go Crash with the Dire Straits reference!
[/delurk]
Posted by: Vidiot on April 23, 2003 02:30 PMI think you can only delurk if you haven't written anything at LEAST two weeks prior. Not that it's a law or anything.
You guys are all freaking me out with the credit theft! Eek!
Can't we all go back to hiding our money in a hole under an old oak tree and call it progress?
Posted by: readymade on April 23, 2003 02:42 PMCash, baby. Cash.
I got myself into deep credit trouble a few years ago. I was living in NYC with no job and no money. I basically put everything I ate, drank or smoked for a year on a Visa card, then stopped paying the bill.
Now I have an Amex card and a Visa with a $500 limit (for emergencies). That's it. Revolving credit is a device of the Devil.
Posted by: jpoulos on April 23, 2003 02:47 PMI've decided that I'm going to start prostituting myself under Latonia's name to make some extra cash for grad school.
Posted by: witchstone on April 23, 2003 02:51 PM
Doesn't SARS seem to be a little over-reported? I mean, I understand it's an epidemic, but it's not lethal in more than, what, 5% of cases?
Worry about ebola instead. It's more fun.
Posted by: kaf on April 23, 2003 06:11 PMHey, I say bring it on. It's gotta be an improvement over the poison ivy I already have.
Posted by: tizzie on April 23, 2003 07:30 PM"...I understand it's an epidemic, but it's not lethal in more than, what, 5% of cases?"
Six percent now, but that's OK. If everyone on earth got it we'd only have to dispose of about 350 MILLION CORPSES.
Posted by: Crash on April 23, 2003 08:20 PMI have to say that I thought that read, "I hear they taste like children."
Posted by: readymade on April 23, 2003 09:48 PMSome people see 350 million corpses, I see 350 million zombie slaves...
Posted by: Cyrano on April 23, 2003 09:58 PMAt least the republicans wouldn't control congress any more.
Posted by: jpoulos on April 23, 2003 11:03 PM: blink : SARS and stolen credit? :(
I'm gonna go stare at that cute lil'meerkat for a while. I love that little fellow.
Glad she got caught, Witchness. That would've utterly sucked.
Posted by: roe/metrocake on April 24, 2003 12:39 AMMeerkats are soooo yesterday, roe/metro! This season everyone's raving about serval kittens, dontcha know?
If everyone on earth got it we'd only have to dispose of about 350 MILLION CORPSES.
Bah. I did that last weekend. Didn't even break a sweat.
Posted by: stavrosthewonderchicken on April 24, 2003 07:26 AMMy cuteness fix! Ahhh, I feel better now.
*smooch* for Miguel, my cuteness pusher-man!
Posted by: tizzie on April 24, 2003 08:11 AMMy shift key wouldn't work so I used one of those cans of air to blow the crumbs out of my keyboard.
Dear god, you could feed a third world country.
There's something really fucking creepy about those kittens. I'm not sure what it is, but I suddenly feel compelled to mail a book to Eastern Europe.
Posted by: ufez on April 24, 2003 11:36 AMThat thing they're playing on...do they make 'em for humans? I need to occupy my time more productively and I think that's just the ticket.
Posted by: jonmc on April 24, 2003 11:47 AMDelurk, delurk, delurk. ;)
Nothing really to add...just delurking.
Dejah! How is your nurse-in at Eckerd's campaign going?
I applaud you!
Posted by: tizzie on April 24, 2003 11:54 AMOh my god, who's watching the baby????
Nice to see you around these here parts.
Posted by: witchstone on April 24, 2003 11:55 AMThe Serval Cats are all well and good, but people, the real menace in our zoos are the so-called "jungle cats", who, I submit to you, are housecats with a little fur glued on.
This comment brought to you by the Committee for Comments That Have a Lot of Commas and Don't Make a Whole Lot of Sense Because the Commenter Got Home at 3AM This Morning After Driving Back from the Dirty Three Show in San Diego.
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 12:03 PMOh my god, who's watching the baby????
More importantly, when can we expect Baby's First Comment?
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 12:04 PMBaby...Secret of the Lost Legend
starring both The Prisoner and The Greatest American Hero, not to mention a Nexus 6 coming to grips with her own replicantness.
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 12:12 PMA scheme unhatched
To lure lurking Cajun friends
Trap them with three lines
Heh. Yep.
Have you been there? Really great venue to see a band like D3.
They had a crazy opening act called Nate Denver's Neck who sang songs about crazy people stomping on brussels sprouts, among other heady topics.
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 12:46 PMHaven't been there, but probably will go there at some point since I'm moving to SD in a few months.
Posted by: witchstone on April 24, 2003 12:49 PMI don't understand. Are you trying to say this opening act was indeed crazy?
Posted by: witchstone on April 24, 2003 12:50 PMWe need a haiku thread.
That would make a good birthday thread tomorrow, hint hint.
Posted by: tizzie on April 24, 2003 03:14 PMkaf's plaintive plea for
haiku thread, once ignored is
now given new life
Lazarus haiku
returns, Phoenix-like from flames,
smoldering and sore
Hey gang,
The nurse-in at the Richardson cop shop is on hold, pending approval of the Mercado's lawyers...I don't want to make it worse for them...as far as CPS goes.
As to Tommy's first messages...he loves to bang on the keyboard. :) Here are some of his messages...feel free to decrypt them.
1.) "u 788yhrgbvnlm "
2.)HTTTTTtttttt m/nv njjjj m,. ,;/ yyn8888bv '=...... ompk9m nnnnn hhhn bbbbbb [ b hny777oyyyyyy...... n j Landscape Computer Design b sbzVtt tn bbbb v
(Either he hit ctrl+v, or we've just proven the monkeys writing shakespeare theory...)
Posted by: dejah420 on April 24, 2003 03:28 PM
Please, please. In Haiku form.
HTTTTTtttttt m/nv njjjj m,. ,;/ yyn8888bv '=...... ompk9m nnnnn
hhhn bbbbbb [ b hny777oyyyyyy
Oh damn! "yyn8888bv '=...... ompk9m nnnnn" is eight syllables.
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 03:31 PMTizzie, I will be out of town for your birthday. I am devastated!
Tizzie, dog-lover
And fine bon mot warrior,
Howl prose tomorrow
Lazarus haiku
returns, Phoenix-like from flames,
smoldering and sore
May a humble haikuer such as myself suggest "rises" in place of "returns"?*
*Please do not allow your gargantuan ego** to get in the way of what is best for the haiku
**I, of course, am jesting.
Kaf, honey, it's not my birthday, it's our birthday - 9622's one year birthday!
But thanks for the tribute!
Posted by: tizzie on April 24, 2003 03:46 PMOh man.
I'm going to be out of town for 9622Day?!
*weeps openly, turning toward the setting sun*
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 04:17 PMPlease do not allow your gargantuan ego to get in the way of what is best for the haiku
Exactly the kind of weak-kneed comment I'd expect from a groundling such as yourself.
Now fetch me some pie.
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 04:19 PMCertainly, sir. I just happen to have some right here in my--oh my god, I don't know what happened, I must have tripped over my weak knees!
Are you all right?
Posted by: witchstone on April 24, 2003 04:27 PM
...and fetch me a mylanta/thorazine martini, while you're at it.
Posted by: jonmc on April 24, 2003 04:28 PM*shoots jonmc with tranquilizer dart*
It's kinder this way.
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 04:33 PMThe nurse-in at the Richardson cop shop is on hold, pending approval of the Mercado's lawyers...I don't want to make it worse for them...as far as CPS goes.
[Sobs...]That was right around the corner of my home, why must everthing that is going to be soo cool near me, wilts away in Texas?...maybe the heat since it's 84F.
*shoots jonmc with tran tequila-lizer dart*
Witchstone! Kafkaesque!
Stop this! Can't you see that you
two love each other?
put down the pie, sweet
Eastern Witch; soften your tone,
Cockroach of the West!
And meet, both of you,
on the middle ground, for some
fragrant sodomy.
And thus, requit your
desires, while protesting the
worst of Texas law.
I am SO looking forward to some anniversary versifyin' tomorrow.
Posted by: Fes on April 24, 2003 04:58 PMFes, you must carry
The Haiku torch in my stead
And eat some lizards.
Witchstone! Kafkaesque!
Stop this! Can't you see that you
two love each other?
I'm just using her to get closer to Hall and Oates. Well...just Oates really.
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 05:05 PMDearest Uncle Fes,
Dost thou sully haiku with
"fragrant sodomy?"
O, My eyes! My eyes!
Can I wash out my eyes to
remove "fragrant" please?
There are sometimes "mots"
which are not "bon" for poems
"Fragrant," in this case.
Can you just save that birthday wish for a somewhat more relevant day, Tiz?
Posted by: kaf on April 24, 2003 05:16 PMI will bear the Torch,
my Bodhisattva! I hope
my words are worthy.
my dear Readymade,
the stark beauty of this art
lies within "fragrant"!
Certainly, I could
write of flowers and puppies
but that? Cold, empty.
But connect "fragrant"
and "sodomy," and where once
was aether? Now: Tao!
Delicious lizards!
Squirmy emerald taste treats,
perfect with pasta!
And, if you follow
the Atkins plan, be aware:
Lizards have few carbs.
Poor Doc Atkins died,
Tho' there are no carbs in ice!
...Still too soon for jokes?
Sagacious Fester
Teacher of the Tao of Mot
I am humbled now
Fes is the dreamer
All others must be the dream
Or the butterfly
Little Jasper, please
stop terrorizing the cat,
submit to deep sleep
A note about posting images:
We encourage users to post images, especially those hilarous pics of monkeys
wearing dresses or programming for Linux. But posting images that reside on someone
else's server is considered by many to be bandwidth theft. Our thoughts
on the matter, along with some solutions to the problem, can be found
here. Thanks.
In an effort to help eliminate spam (and to preserve the sanity of the 9622 Volunteer Simian Spam-Cop Brigade) all threads older than 30 days will now be closed to comments.