The Portuguese have a saying: "God makes a point of giving walnuts to toothless monkeys". Here is worst-director-of-all-time Lars-shoulda-stucka-with-Bjork-Von Trier with Nicole I-can-do-better-than-Tom-anyday-Kidman.
All of which leads me to ask: What's the most ill-matched, dreadful-looking, oughtn't-to-be-fuckin'-allowed couple you've ever seen? Including, of course, those tragically containing gorgeous men and women you think you'd do much, much better by?
Hey, I *like* Dogma movies! I love that adorable fuzzy li'l misogynist Lars!
I'm working out a logic equation in my head:
If Lars, then Tom Cruise=GAY, when X=Nicole.
I think that this theorem proves that Nicole Kidman is the ultimate beard, because this would be the second guy she's dated who hates women (though they have different motivations, I suppose).
But, on second thought, I thought that Nicole was dating Q-Tip?
Wait, what was the question?
(Hey, don't be hatin' on Stellan Starsgaard!)
Posted by: cowboy_sally on May 20, 2003 11:43 AMThat's Nicole Kidman? She looks like Anna Nicole Smith if someone let all the air out of her.
Posted by: tizzie on May 20, 2003 12:00 PMIf Lars, then Tom Cruise=GAY, when X=Nicole.
They're actors, equations for actors, 1=self.
1TomCruise + 1Lars = 2 gay = X = 1 Nicole.
Girl Power, as it takes two to equals one large absorbed self.
The above was in fun, starting to finally like Nicloe.
Alyson Hannigan & this dork...Not to mention Janeane Garofalo & Ben Stiller, I mean what dorks, those ladies would be so much better off with a bridgeport/NYC based blogger/snack food obsessive as their companion.
or manslave. I'm flexible.
Posted by: jonmc on May 20, 2003 12:02 PMLet us not forget the model-rockstar travesties, from the Ocasek-Porizkova fiasco to the Robinson-Hudson debacle.
Don't these women understand that I truly love them, more than these bland, facile guitar slingers ever could?
Also: TOTALLY on Garofalo-Stiller. He's not even remotely in her league. Whereas I am.
Posted by: Fes on May 20, 2003 12:19 PM
Cher & Greg Allman
There marriage says Walmart to me...
If she could turn back time, she'd erase that friggin nightmare I'm, certain.
Posted by: Fes on May 20, 2003 12:34 PMWell, if you're looking for dreadful-looking couples, there's always this. But mismatched? I'll get back to you on that one.
Posted by: Ryan on May 20, 2003 12:35 PMFor sheer "Oh my God, they might reproduce!" terror, you can't beat this fine couple.
Posted by: Crash on May 20, 2003 12:55 PMI thought Ben Stiller was married to that chick from "Hey Dude!". The blonde one. I think he and Garafalo are just good friends.
Posted by: ufez on May 20, 2003 01:00 PMnot a good thought: uglies doing the ugly, epecially before I open my box lunch...
Posted by: Thomcatspike on May 20, 2003 01:00 PMI thought "Breaking the Waves" was pretty brilliant, although devastating.
What has happened to Nicole? Has she had work done? Because she looks bad. And I hate the new "pulling back my face with my hair" look she's got going on. Just a couple of years ago I saw her in New York, and she was absolutely stunning.
In the words of Fred Willard in A Mighty Wind "Wha' happened?"
Posted by: witchstone on May 20, 2003 01:25 PMSimply put:
Nicole Kidman/Janeane Garofalo/Alyson Hannigan/Liz Phair and ANYONE are mismatched. Because I would obviously be much better for them. To echo what Jon said, they'd be much better off if they had a taste for short, stocky, bespectacled, blogger-wannabe, travel-obsessed, book-readin' hermits living in Queens. Of course.
Posted by: Vidiot on May 20, 2003 03:33 PMBah. You non-Flyover Monkeys have all the parties so there's no damn way you can have all the women too.
At least not Aly. She belongs in Texas.
(Back off, ufez!)
Posted by: Cyrano on May 20, 2003 04:35 PMDude, we have the parties BECAUSE we don't have the women. (The others may tell me to speak for myself, but that's my excuse.)
Posted by: Vidiot on May 20, 2003 05:00 PMCyrano, you can have Aly so long as nobody touches my Salma Hayek.
Balia! Balia mi amorcita! La chiquitita de mi corazon! Mi mariposa mexicana! Ayyyyyyyyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy!
*clears throat*
Pardon me.
Posted by: ufez on May 20, 2003 05:12 PMputa madre.
Baila! Baila! Baila como los parejos en el cielo, con todos los colores del arco iris. Entonces regresa a mis brazos para eternidad!
Posted by: ufez on May 20, 2003 05:21 PMOh, great. Now I've got that whole scene running through my head.
Also:
"This is Mission Control. Give me your name and position."
"The name's Striker and I'm sitting down and facing the front."
Cyrano, you can have Aly so long as nobody touches my Salma Hayek.
And, lo, the Not In Your Dreams, Buddy accord was finally enacted.
Posted by: Cyrano on May 20, 2003 09:32 PMI think there should be some sort of monkey-man contest to see who gets dibs on Alyson.
And ladies, hands off my Peter Krause. After watching him hate-fuck that blonde on Sunday night's "Six Feet Under" my heat for him has blossomed.
Posted by: brittney on May 21, 2003 05:08 AMNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I haven't seen last week's episode yet! Have pity for the folks with no TV who have to wheedle their way into other people's homes.
GAH!
Posted by: witchstone on May 21, 2003 09:01 AM
Wouldn't projectile pooping be more apropos?
Besides, none of these pretenders stand a chance against my dashing good looks and suave charm.
*turns to Aly*
So are you a real redhead darling? May I polish your toenails with my heart, goddess??
Posted by: jonmc on May 21, 2003 09:26 AM*looks up from furiously plotting an "accident" for Alexis Denisof*
Yes. Yes, poo-flinging would be much better. Violence is wrong. So very, very wrong...
*resumes furiously plotting*
Posted by: Cyrano on May 21, 2003 09:42 AMThis is all starting to remind me of the time I ate that donkey's poo.
Posted by: jonmc on May 21, 2003 11:01 AMYou too? I thought I was the only one who liked doing that.
Posted by: Cyrano on May 21, 2003 11:02 AMOur freind the impersonator is back.
He likes to put on flannel shirts, and eat pocky and pretend he's me. It's a weird kind of drag. Transjonism, if you will. It's kind of flattering, makes me feel like Judy Garland.
Posted by: jonmc on May 21, 2003 11:09 AMSo do we need to put aside our upcoming poo throwdown RE: Aly and kick some impersonator ass?
Posted by: The Real Cyrano on May 21, 2003 11:14 AMThis episode of Web Geek Mutual Masturbation is brought to you by:
The 1978 Boba Fett Figure
Posted by: witchstone on May 21, 2003 11:16 AMWouldn't the impersonator be funnier - rather than unfunny and unwelcome - if he or she gaves us a hint of his or her wit? Say by signing "jonmc by whoever". I think so.
Posted by: Miguel on May 21, 2003 11:18 AM9622: It's kind of flattering, makes me feel like Judy Garland.
Wouldn't the impersonator be funnier
When was the impersonation fun to start? Mig, Tiz & now Jon,{thom scratches his ass wondering if he was impersonated & should go read the days he missed, eats a banana instead, chances are they have better grammar}
Where is Kaf?
Kaf's off buying and house and such. He hasn't been around for a while.
Posted by: jpoulos on May 21, 2003 12:26 PMWitchy -- I'm a hag from hell and very sorry about that. Also, I'm a big fat liar. I hate-fucked a blonde last Sunday.
Not Nate.
Posted by: brittney on May 21, 2003 12:51 PMBut if you link to his website from here then he might trace us back--
OH MY GOD, THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE! REPEAT, THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.
Posted by: witchstone on May 21, 2003 01:19 PMI just got back from writing a restaurant review of an ice cream stand. I love my work.
In my expert opinion, banana splits taste better when they are served in a plastic rowboat.
And this is not "tizzie impersonating jonmc" even though it sounds like it!
Posted by: tizzie on May 21, 2003 01:34 PMThis is, however, someone masquerading as tizzie. But only because I'm a big fan of tizzie, and needed to see what it was like to live in Kentucky. There really are people roasting squirrel on the street corners here! Wow. Delicious, though. The blend of mesquite and balsam really make it great.
Posted by: tizzie on May 21, 2003 01:42 PMHere's Kaf's website, so you can see what he's up to.
Maybe Kaf been busy yet checked in time to time then posted as an impersonation...
Tiz where's your blog? From the Blogumentary I want to talk to that blogger in Kentucky.
Posted by: Thomcatspike on May 21, 2003 01:43 PMTizzie & I are Blogless. 100% Blog Free. No Blogs are harmed in the making of our everyday lives.
Why do you think we post here?
Posted by: witchstone on May 21, 2003 01:47 PMOkay, I'm not tizzie anymore. It was fun while it lasted.
I should be you more often; your dogs are fabulous.
Posted by: readymade
on
May 21, 2003 01:53 PM
readymade! I could scarcely tell us apart!
and Witchy's right, thom. There may be bloggers in Kentucky but I am a mere monkey.
Posted by: the real tizzie on May 21, 2003 02:23 PMKaf is not the impersonator. The impersonator is...
*pulls off mask*
Mr. McGuillicutty! The museum curator!
Jinkys!
Posted by: jpoulos on May 21, 2003 02:55 PMAnd I would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you darn monkeys!
Posted by: Mr. McGuillicutty on May 21, 2003 03:04 PMWait a minute, I thought I was the amusement park owner?
Posted by: Mr. McGuillicutty on May 21, 2003 03:08 PMUh, isn't that supposed to be haunted amusement park?
Posted by: Mr. McGuillicutty on May 21, 2003 03:50 PMWhy do you think we post here?
You know never thought about it like that, forget you two have posting rights. I have yet to find a good monkey link to post here, had 2 but were already posted
Amusement parks, you say? Well Jennifer finally got her man, that's for sure.
W/o my glasses I can't tell if that you, Shaggy...boy your hand feels creepy. Eat a scooby snack, your breathe smells like Geritol®.
Posted by: Thomcatspike on May 22, 2003 11:52 AMW/o my glasses I can't tell if that you, Shaggy...boy your hand feels creepy. Eat a scooby snack, your breathe smells like Geritol®.
Posted by: Thomcatspike on May 22, 2003 11:52 AMA note about posting images:
We encourage users to post images, especially those hilarous pics of monkeys
wearing dresses or programming for Linux. But posting images that reside on someone
else's server is considered by many to be bandwidth theft. Our thoughts
on the matter, along with some solutions to the problem, can be found
here. Thanks.
In an effort to help eliminate spam (and to preserve the sanity of the 9622 Volunteer Simian Spam-Cop Brigade) all threads older than 30 days will now be closed to comments.