9622.net

Welcome, my friend, to the land of wigs and novelties.

*sings*
Where have all the witchstones gone,
Long time paaasssingggg...*

*dogs howl*

Thank you! I shall remember you in all of my acceptance speeches. Just remember, when I say "And thanks most of all to my management" I really mean you.

Next stop: Land of Smoothies and Sex Wax

And Scarecrow, I'll miss you most of all!

What, no sugar for the lion?

Don't even bother coming here. The days and nights run together in an endlessly flowing, irreparably polluted river that leads to one place: death, my friend, death. And cream cheese. The non-whipped kind thats really difficult to spread. I mean, what can you say when your only joy is cream cheese that you can spread?

I...I can't go on.

Have you ever noticed that "Oscar" is utterly devoid of genitalia? I can't say that I've ever looked before, but this award I poached makes poor Oscar look like a bereft man indeed. There's not even a bump! At least Ken gets a bump to suggest the whisper of sexuality.

Doesn't seem very Hollywood at all, if you ask me. He should at least have a sock in there.

[flatt & scruggs]

Come and listen to story
Bout a gal named Witchy
Lived in NYC
But found it kinda sketchy

Once she said,
all those sites are fulla wimps
She was surfin' on the net
and she stumbled on some chimps..

(apes, that is...monkeys..)

Next thing ya know
Old witchy's flingin' poo
We said "Cali-forn-ia's the place you oughta go"
So she loaded up the truck and went to san diego...

(cali, that is, smog, traffic jams..sailors..)

best I could do on short notice

Let us all be in agreement that there shall be no Hotel California japery this day.

On a dark deser--

*sound of needle scratching across record*

*applauds jonmc's parody prowess*

*takes Oscar back for Eagles offense*

if you ever accidently have to come to town the wife and i will buy you drinks after a fab dinner at my mom's house. [she would insist.] luckily for you, SD is far from modtown.

drive [?] safe. email me when you get to SD and have the time.

Are you driving? Taking the Greyhound? Careening westward via catapault?

It's all about the astral projection out here, dudes. We just will ourselves to be there, and lo! We are there. There is usually a long wait for luggage at the other end, unfortunately.

Flying to Utah, buying a car, driving to San Diego. Just me & I-15, baby.

Then of course I have to fly back here in a couple of weeks to load my stuff onto one of those big trucks who take things across country for you.

whatchoo gonna buy? the 1958 monkeyshit brown Buick Super is a very San Diego choice.

Monkeyshit brown buick?? No no no no...

monkeyshit brown 79 El Camino!

Also, you may wanna burn this to CD, just to remind you of the atmosphere around here...

Fes, I implore you:
Some syllabic sorcery
For Witchstone's farewell

And where, where is ColdChef?

How I miss the sweet smell of his gumbo-laden breath!

And another thing:
Oscar gripping his belly
a peptic ulcer?

*assume lotus, takes up quill and ricepaper*

California tip!
Trannys there are prettier
but eschew photos.

Since the annoucenment,
I have wondered: although San
Diego seems odd

As an actress'
mecca, it has far more in
the way of sailors.

Before leaving for
good, make sure they have tight black
pants, big clunky belts!

I personally
look forward to the stories
that the New York crowd

will tell: of witchy's
wanton nights, her night-queen ways.
Once they feel they're safe.

Does this now mean that
Vidiot is de facto
number one tartlette?

Why stop in Utah?
Simple: cars there a deeper
shade of monkeyshit.

Hard to see in that pic, readymade, but Oscar's holding a sword. I think there are deep Freudian issues if he has a long sword but no genitalia.

C'mon, witchy -- I manage to post on a dial-up...it can be done. Don't leave us!

And if you're free tonight, swing by Tile Bar after work. There may be some drinking monkeys there.

I'm a wee bit north of San Diego, but I can still say welcome to the West coast! You can now officially add "dude" to your lexicon.

That's right...go on...say it....you know you want to.....

*bows to Fes*

You are the master, Fester-san.

Does this now mean that
Vidiot is de facto
number one tartlette?

Huh?

Smile when you say that, hombre.

What time Tile Bar? Hmmm. Not sure if I can swing it, since I have to go home before dinner. But can I really pass up an excuse to have photos taken of me that I will regret later?

Vidiot, I believe you have a future in Freudian analysis. Strange symbolism indeed, except it's Hollywood, so I suppose it makes perfect sense.

readymade, you shame
me with your praise, for I am
just the conduit.

Witchy: now's your chance!
take on Sally in the thigh-
top shoutout showdown!

Tile Bar oh, mebbe from 5:30-6ish on. Haven't really done too much planning really.

First of all, I would never take on cowboy_sally. I am not a fool, or at least not a great fool, despite what I may or may not have led you to believe.

What could convince her?
Sam and Jon will have the booze...

What are you, chicken??

Perhaps it would be
easier to think of it not
as contest, but art!

Now now, Fes...you've gotten better shoutouts already than anyone around. Don't get greedy.

(Not that the above comment should be viewed as discouraging or attempting to dissuade our friend Witchy in any way whatsoever...)

I think not for just
myself, but for all those souls,
who weep, shoutout-less.

So far, we have tried
peer pressure, creative pride,
and pity. What next?

I think you're overlooking the great motivator. Here's a hint:

1. Go to bar
2. Write shout out on napkin
3. ???
4. PROFIT

I have a dream that one day my name shall be written on a napkin. And then I shall know true happiness.

Father! The napkin has awakened!

I just want to note for the record that I have never received PROFIT from writing a shoutout on a napkin. What gives?

Maybe I could get on one of those rotating "endless towel" things you see in your finer gas station men's rooms.

Obviously you're missing something in the 3rd step.

I just received an email from rhyman blowing. Could this be an old friend from high school?

I think I should start monkeyshoutouts.com. With H0TT PRIMATE SHOUTOUT ACTION!

You mean the Rhyman Blowing?

And you went to high school with him?

I gotta tell you. Blowing paid for college for me, put food on my table during the tough times, I tell you. Blowing in a lot of ways made my life worth living.

Wow. I wanna shake your handcuffs.

Hand. I wanna shake your hand.

(Geez. I get that wrong all the time.)

Maybe I can get on a wetnap.

That would require a very special pen, Kaf.

wetnap, sir?

Are you telling me that the inimitable Mr. K has never been given an "I can't even spell my own name right anymore" shoutout?

I'll have to see what I can do.

I want my name written (and misspelled) on FishFucker's forehead.

Of course, it doesn't bother me to be spurned in this manner. I mean, I'm only the guy who started this site. It's not like you owe me your very lives or anything.

You thankless bunch of ingrates!

*turns hose on 9622*

*basks in hose*

It's hot out, ok!

It's a hose that shoots pain.

*continues to bask, revealing hiterto unknown masochistic tendencies*

Pain and synthpop! And eyeliner! And disco!

oh, the horror.

9622.net, abandon hope, all ye who enter here.

I know for sure that there was a Kafka shoutout during readymade's visit. I believe it was over the portobello salad.

9622: It's a hose that shoots pain.

AHA! I knew it was there. Next time, don't let Kaf pull your heartstrings with the old "Woe is me, where's my shoutout" blarney.

One video shoot and I miss the hose of pain. Damn.

I think that you Tile Barrians should write "Kafkaesque" somewhere now, before you start drinking, and then add the easy parts later.

I would have thunk we'd do a Kaf shoutout, but I had no idea that the tendency to "shout out" started so young.

I got this back from the ultrasound. Go figure.

Hose of Pain?
Word to your moms
I came to drop bombs
I got more ryhmes
than the bible has psalms

It's hot out, ok!
[gloating][opens closet; views shorts & sweatshirts]Your weather in SD[/gloats]; you’ll be a true Southern now; even in Cali. FYI SD is just a tad south than Dallas by 0.1 degree, good luck while traveling. Keep your smile and all will go well.

That Kafkaesque shoutout (mine, not Tiny's) is really something! I've got this shit-eating grin on my face, but no-one could tell I was about to keel over from nausea and fatigue.

Although as I recall, Chico ate the majority of my dinner.

Hot buttered elvis, Readymade. Well, it just goes to show you. One evening in the monkey pavilion at the Chateau Tile can scar your family line for generations.

And tizzie. Sweet, sweet tizzie.

We Tilers do not succumb to guilt trips and emotional blackmail! Yea, though the hose of pain is turn'd upon us, yea, though jon findeth an odd new pleasure source within its needle-like stream, still we shall hold fast to the principle that we shall shit out no shoutout before it's time!

(Okay, fine. I'm hitting the tattoo parlor when I get off work, kaf, and -- oh, that reminds me, I need to change thongs before I get to Tile.)

God forbid, your child someday has a goldfish, and then sees that picture. :)

Hey Tile Bar boys, it looks like I may be able to swing by around 8pm. Will you still be there? Vidiot, email me your cell and I give a jingle before I head over.

I'm confused. Would my kid name the goldfish Kaf? Or does he look like a goldfish? Or both?

I know. He looks like a goldfish. Or a nebula. The Goldfish Nebula.

Not that pic, readymade, the shout out pic witchstone linked...

Oh. Right. Heh!

Although "Kaf The Goldfish" would be right up there with Toad The Wet Sprocket and Ned's Atomic Dustbin for surrealistic band names.

I went to highschool
with the bassist from Kaf the
Goldfish. Huge asshole!

I never listened
to them, but I heard good things:
Much like Morrissey.

Ned's Atomic Dustbin for surrealistic band names. Were great in concert, but no more.

Best. Ultrasound. Ever.

I think that baby's gonna raise a little hell.

And just like the Prodigal Son I've returned
Anyone stepping to me you'll get burned
Cause I got lyrics and you ain't got none
So if you come to battle bring a shotgun
But if you do you're a fool, cause I duel to the death
Try and step to me you'll take your last breath
I gots the skill, come get your fill
Cause when I shoot ta give, I shoot to kill

===
Witchy will be missed. I just hope she's not joining the witness protection program or anything.

That is the coolest fetus-graffiti ever, Readymade. I am honored.

*turns off hose of pain*

I just hope she's not joining the witness protection program or anything.

Witchy is the real Gigli!

There's a line outside for that turkey thing.

*gobble...um..never mind*

Delicious turkey!
Wonderful to eat, makes me
sleepy when I do.

Farewell, ye heathens
I have found God in the form
of Metamucil

I don't know what that means, but by god, it's 5-7-5!

Make sure you stop by
Behind the Zion Curtain
And flash your boobies.

Gobble, Gobble, yum!
OK, don't get all greedy...
Your turn. Fair is fair.

So, are there going to be panty-obscuring shout-outs tonight? That's really all I wanna know...

Have fun, witchy.
Don't pick a fight with a midget... seriously, there is no winning that one.

'cause they have that hot-finger kung fu

should've been hot-dog finger kung fu.

but it's dirtier the first way.

Rock on, witchy!

Good luck, witchy!

A monkey for you.

Chico and Jon and I went drinking last night. Witchstone did us the honor of stopping by. Pictures here.

Where's my wetnap?

Budget cuts, kaf.

(What? Chico leering to himself and licking his lips while holding a napkin bearing your name on it to his nipple wasn't good enough for you? Sheesh...some people...)

You guys have so much fun it makes me feel like killing myself.

*sigh*

I remember that bar fondly. Which denotes exactly how little liquor I drank that night, being a crafty lass.

But it looks so cozy and loveable!

You guys look pretty swell too, napkin pasties and all.

As a matter of fact, readymade, Jon and I made sure to play "She's Crafty" on the jukebox last night. Now we know that it was in your honor.

I'm guessing that's not the first dong the barfly had in his hands that night
Hi-oh!

Thank you Ed. Play me to the desk, Doc.

The shot of Jon's inner turmoil at the women's room is priceless.

oddly enough, my (solo) day out today was almost as weird as yesterday, if you can believe that. Watching a street person pass out and harmonizing on "Sweet Virginia" with complete strangers (including the anonymous barly vidiot photographed, his names jack) qualifies as strange right.

Plus honeydew flavoered frothy milk tea with tapioca rocks.

Where'd you have the tea, Jon?

Pearl was the name of the place, somewhere in the west village. I also bought a vintage biography of Babe Ruth in Brooklyn and had an excellent bloody mary(with chipolte peppers!) and a monte cristo at prune on East 1st.

Sounds good. Wide-ranging travels!

(I stayed in today. Trying to conserve what's left of my money for Monday and Tuesday.)

*wipes a tear, unscrews the Moskovskaya*

this is totally unrelated, but i'm slightly intoxicated and in chicago, and damn, its a pretty cool town. any monkeys around here?

Cold Chef better have that printed out and framed.

Or not.

The little wet spot is what reaaalllyyy makes it special.

Great pics - and mine hubby just saw Witchy over my shoulder and remarked, "She's lovely! She's one of those monkey-people?"

Not to mention that hanging out with guys like us just makes her look even lovelier by comparison...

jonnymacanudo: obviously that's a side of you I never thought I'd see. Nevertheless, that was fucking great. Not as hot as the Cowboysally crotch shot, but close-ish.

Witchy, Good luck. I hope that Kaf and Ebk welcome you with open legs, or at least arms.

In the meantime, and pardon the self-link (as I'm understandably drunk on a Sunday night) I think I've lost my motherfucking mind. Wish me luck.

Damn. Good luck, ufez.

Nooooooooooooooo....I've been offline for a few days, and I missed my Witchy's farewell.

-------------------

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
May a cute guy buy all your drinks and not expect a blowjob in return.

Dang, you go away for a week and the things you miss.

Good luck in SD, witchstone! I hear the kisses are hers and hers and his out there.

And jonmc, that shout out, it vibrates? I have to agree with tizzie: the wet spot is what makes it special.

And ufez, I wish you luck! Some of my friends do the NY marathon every year. They say that anyone can do a marathon. That it's just a matter of pacing oneself. That and wearing those nipple protectors. You can do it! (This from the woman who just came back from a two-mile run, made a pot of coffee, and had that most delectable of post-constitutional treats, the morning cigarette.)(Oh, and if anyone is looking for me, I'll be in the bathroom. Don't nobody go in there for 35 to 45 minutes.)

Oh, and in the interest of self-promotion, any monkeys in the ny area wanna come do karaoke at Enid's tonight?

I ran a marathon once.
Really, do tape up the nipples... or at least pause to smear some of the blood into a crescent shape under them on your shirt so it looks like a smilely face, and is less upsetting to small children.

9622.net: the wet spot is what makes it special.

Man, that barfly is unnerving.

If I had a motto, I think it would be something like: "Avoid prolonged periods of self-inflicted pain that result in your nipples bleeding."

Ufez,
Man, good luck on the marathon. You might want to startwith a couple weeks' bike riding, so your joints can get used to things. As for smoking, I've got the same problem (quantity, too), but find that if I work out in the morning, I want less smoke for the rest of the day (and I'm about as much a morning person as jonmc is subtle).

A note about posting images:

We encourage users to post images, especially those hilarous pics of monkeys wearing dresses or programming for Linux. But posting images that reside on someone else's server is considered by many to be bandwidth theft. Our thoughts on the matter, along with some solutions to the problem, can be found here. Thanks.

In an effort to help eliminate spam (and to preserve the sanity of the 9622 Volunteer Simian Spam-Cop Brigade) all threads older than 30 days will now be closed to comments.

Name:


Email Address:


URL:


Comments:

Remember me?