Confession is good for the soul, plus it is amusing for the rest of us. So tell us about the time when your dad found your girlfriend's bra in the glove compartment of his car*.
*actual incident involving my brother Huey - I'm not telling mine yet.
Posted by: tizzie on October 3, 2003 09:55 AMWell, let me tell you, Safeway is usually pretty empty around three in the morning, and a side of marinated pork back ribs can look pretty good to single man. Imagine my surprise when, midway through the hot lo--
**Section deleted in the interest of taste**
--eper than I ever imagined.
Posted by: kaf on October 3, 2003 11:17 AMI told my best tale back when I was guest-blogging for the illustrious Cowboy Sally, back when I turned her place into a racy, gratuitous mess in her absense.
I'll repost it here:
I had this boyfriend in high school. We'll call him Beau. We were both 16 and soul mates, natch, and we consumated our eternal love with raucous, fairly frequent sex. We did it all over our parents' homes, including in their bedrooms, which, looking back now, seems kind of fucked up and incredibly unnecessary. Oh. Oh wait. Now that I think about it, Beau's parents had this big ass mirror in their room so, nevermind. We were totally justified in banging on his mom (my choir teacher!) and dad's queen size quilt and safe about it, too! We were smart kids with bright futures (and I worked at a drugstore), so we used condoms every single time. Thing is, Beau wasn't smart enough to know that condoms aren't flushable.
Later that evening Beau and I are watching "My So Called Life" or something when his mother suddenly expels this shriek that sounded like the cry of a wounded animal from upstairs in the master bedroom. We heard the screams and denials and accusations and sat in horror as we came to realize suddenly what had happened.
It didn't take us long to determine we had to confess that the toilet-clogging condom didn't belong to her cheating husband but to her shameful son and his slut-face girlfriend.
Choir wasn't much fun after that and fucking at Beau's house became a rare event. As you might expect.
So we fucked at the Subway where I worked instead.
Certified. Sandwich. Artist.
Posted by: brittney on October 3, 2003 12:10 PMDoes being caught "fooling" alone count?
I was lame. I didn't have sex in my parents house till I was 24.
Posted by: jonmc on October 3, 2003 12:16 PMnot related.
Today is the Happy MarsCrash Brifday Funtime Day!
YAAAAY!
bear is driving? how can that be?
Posted by: tj on October 3, 2003 12:18 PMHappy Birthday to MarsCrash! I am looking forward to drubken posting after the celebration (or during, whatever)
Posted by: tizzie on October 3, 2003 12:25 PMHappy Crashday, Mars.
And I've never had sex in my parents' house. At all. Never been caught in flagrante, either. Though when I was an RA in college, I inadvertently walked in on people a few times. (Once, I knocked and someone yelled "Come in!" Maybe she wasn't addressing me.)
Lock those doors, people!
Posted by: Vidiot on October 3, 2003 12:29 PMHappy Birthday to MarsCrash!!
Lucky you, you get your celebration inside the "I got busted bonkin'" thread!
Posted by: brittney on October 3, 2003 12:32 PMOnce, I knocked and someone yelled "Come in!"
That was YOU?!?!?
Oh, oh dear.
Actually, I did open my dorm room door stark naked once and there, instead of my friend coming back to borrow a sweater, was a singing-telegram delivery guy.
Posted by: tizzie on October 3, 2003 12:41 PMActually, my dorm wasn't a dorm (they were still under construction. We lived in a hotel on amsterdam avenue. Us and a buncha rent controlled old people, one of whom was supposedly a former music hall dancer in her 80's who had long gone to seed. She occasionally would roam the hallways with her robe wide open and nothing underneath. Imagine an albino yoda beaver shot, if you will.
Ruined nudity for me for awhile.
Oh, happy freakin' birthday, MarsCrash, you maniac.
Posted by: jonmc on October 3, 2003 01:08 PManyone's but mine. I'm well known for having no problem with public nudidity.
Posted by: jonmc on October 3, 2003 01:47 PMMy only time being caught was when my mom pulled into the parking lot of the pizza joint I worked at in high school since I was an hour and a half late getting home from work. She got the pleasure of seeing me make out with an older hussy leaned up against the side of my car. Nothing too major.
My sister did get caught getting felt up by her boyfriend on the ping-pong table upstairs. It was her freshman year of high school and my parents and I were watching the network premeire of Back to the Future III. Mom went upstairs to find out what kind of pizza they wanted and the next three minutes involved a shriek or two, some rather loud cursing, a lot of running down the stairs, and some more cursing. The guy, who was a senior in HS, did come back to apologize to my parents a couple of days later. Ballsiest move I've ever seen.
Posted by: ufez on October 3, 2003 01:53 PMThat's certainly much better than watching "Back to the Future III."
Posted by: Vidiot on October 3, 2003 02:01 PMThree times I've been nailed (err, caught): once in high school, with some kid in the bathtub at my exboyfriend's mother's house, a scenario that involved me hastily throwing on some clothes and jumping, soaking wet, from the fire escape to the roof next door (thus spawning my early career as a second-story man), another time, my freshman year of college, after a party called Dress to Get Laid, got totally busted with a guy from my French class--by his boyfriend. Oy. Third time, junior year of college, in the handicapped bathroom of the library. That was wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to elaborate.
Posted by: cowboy_sally on October 3, 2003 03:08 PMYou know something, the song "Summer Breeze," if you sing it in a voice like Bob Dylan's, becomes much more entertaining.
Or maybe you'd have to be in my cubicle.
Posted by: jonmc on October 3, 2003 03:10 PMon reading everyone else's collegiate/high school adventures:
You get fun stuff and I get naked octogenarians? Where was I when all the Dressed To Get Laid and naked door answering was happening? record shopping? smoking a joint behind the dumpster?
ach. life is unfair.
We didn't get "caught", actually, but my high-school sweetheart had to shimmy down a bedsheet I'd tied to my radiator and out the window one time.
A couple years ago, I received a message on my answering machine during sex. The message was from the girl who lived in the upstairs apartment (now my on-again-off-again g/f) - we shared a common entry way. "CHRIS!!! I don't want to know what's going on in there, but I locked myself out again. Would you *please* let me in?" I ignored it, since I knew the entry door was actually unlocked. SO she called again, and, well, in the interest of peace I went to the door and opened it. Naked, for dramatic effect.
There were no subsequent dates, but that's about the time that Betsy started to take an interest in me. ;)
Posted by: notsnot on October 3, 2003 03:59 PMThat was wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to elaborate.
Not as wrong as in the "Discovery Center" playhouse in the Children's Museum.
*walks away, wearing Crown of Sluttiness proudly*
Posted by: tizzie on October 3, 2003 03:59 PMWe didn't get "caught", actually, but my high-school sweetheart had to shimmy down a bedsheet I'd tied to my radiator and out the window one time.
A couple years ago, I received a message on my answering machine during sex. The message was from the girl who lived in the upstairs apartment (now my on-again-off-again g/f) - we shared a common entry way. "CHRIS!!! I don't want to know what's going on in there, but I locked myself out again. Would you *please* let me in?" I ignored it, since I knew the entry door was actually unlocked. SO she called again, and, well, in the interest of peace I went to the door and opened it. Naked, for dramatic effect.
There were no subsequent dates, but that's about the time that Betsy started to take an interest in me. ;)
Posted by: notsnot on October 3, 2003 04:00 PMMaybe I should clarify. I never got caught "doin' it" by my parents but I did get caught red handed doing other equally groundable offenses.
Posted by: Val on October 3, 2003 04:50 PMA few nights before we were supposed to get married, my fiance (now wife) got a call from my step-monster, who, soused to the gills as usual, proceeded to inform my wife-to-be that she, the step-monster, was COMPLETELY AWARE that the wife-to-be had been sneaking into my bedroom window late at night, and that she ought to be ashamed of herself for being such a slut.
The wife-to-be blew it off as the step-monster just being her monstrous self, as she had never once sneaked into my bedroom window at night.
Years later I got to tell her that in fact it was the next-door-neighbor who was sneaking into my bedroom window.
I got to sleep on the couch that night, as I recall.
Posted by: Crash on October 3, 2003 05:15 PMCaught, does playing Doctor as kid count or house in kindergarten?
Interrupted many times, which resulted in the-heat-of-the-moment ending, those are the worse cock-blockers as a guy. We have to stop now, the moment's been ruined...ugh! May you have many moments to-night Mars Crash, Happy Birthday[/swigs shot]Cheers!
That was one of the most obfuscated, wonderful moments of Thomcatspike-ish I've ever read. Dude, are you James Joyce reincarnated?
I forgot to mention: I got caught reading my friend's dad's Playboy when I was five. And my cousin ratted out our porn fencing ring in sixth grade....
Posted by: notsnot on October 3, 2003 06:25 PMOnce upon a time, there was an amusement park near Detroit called Bob-Lo Island. My girlfriend and I went there on our Senior Skip Day back in the Cretaceous Period known as 1985. We went down the log flume ride, and her skimpy white t-shirt went all transparent and whatnot. We hightailed it to the nearest restroom, where the hand-dryers were nonhelpful in the opaquing department. She looked at me and shrugged her shoulders. I looked at her and arched my eyebrow. The next several flumers were schooled in the Latin phrase "in flagrante delicto." Does wanting to be caught count?
...And thanks for the birthday greetings. I'm 36. I'm legally eligible for two eighteen-year-old girls now, right?
Posted by: Mars Crash on October 3, 2003 08:02 PMHappy Birthday, Mars! Your (now) old CDs are still a constant joy in my household. All the best to you, your brother TJ and, heck, your whole family and all your friends!
Viva!
(That's Latin for "Yay!", btw).
Posted by: Miguel on October 4, 2003 02:23 AMHey, I once caught my then best friend and my then girlfriend having sex in his parents bathroom.
As I had more alcohol than blood in my system at the time I just shrugged, said "whatever" and walked home.
When I woke up next morning I yelled at my sofa for two hours straight.
Posted by: soundofsuburbia on October 4, 2003 09:30 AMMy first girlfriend loved, er, fellation (or rightly assumed that I did, and posited that the best way to a man's heart is via his stomach (from the bottom up, I guess)), and my mother had a habit of coming up the stairs unannounced.
In retrospect, funny as.
Also : Happy Birthday Mars!
Posted by: stavrosthewonderchicken on October 4, 2003 10:55 AMQuite right, Valerie. Viva also means "live", but only if it refers to someone or something feminine - as in A Valerie está viva or A cerveja está viva. If the person, animal or thing is masculine it's vivo.
The exclamation Viva, as in "Viva Zapata!" or "Viva MarsCrash!" is the conjunctive of the verb viver - "to live". So when I say Viva Valerie! what I'm really saying is Que viva Valerie!: "May Valerie live!", meaning "May she live for a long, long time."
The Portuguese toast for drinking purposes is Para que viva!, which roughly means "To Life!" or, more accurately, "So that we/everything may live!". It's quite similar to the Jewish/Hebrew L'chaim!.
*takes off spectacles and mortarboard, stifling desire to propose "Now what about a little drink?"* :)
Posted by: Miguel on October 4, 2003 08:37 PMI'm back!
OK, never caught, per se, and in a variety of senses of the word. However... I have been observed en flagrante, on exactly two occasions, once surreptitiously (which I found out about later) and once not so. The latter, one of those overpowering urges that take you and your girlfriend in the back seat of your best friend's car while he and his girlfriend are driving - we've all been there. That rearview was rotating back and forth like they were trying to flash "cut that shit out, perverts!" in morse code. The former, at a party: I had been there earlier with my girlfriend at the time (ironically: the same one from the car incident), but she got really drunk (at about 110 pounds, it didn't take much), we'd had a brief but ugly fight, and I'd had to take her home. I returned to the party, and fell in with one of my girlfriend's girlfriends, who was dating this guy I worked with but whom I'd always had a little jones for. She had a real proto-Fairuza Balk thing working (this was easily 10 years before The Craft came out), along with a great smile, flashing black eyes, and she was quick with a quip. We had a few drinks, made out for a while, repaired upstairs, obliged each other in traditional fashion. Little did we know that (a) another couple of stinkin' cheaters had just vacated the bed and gone into the connecting bathroom, heard us come in, flicked off the light and watched, PLUS (b) two of my idiot friends, espying she and I tiptoeing up the stairs for an obvious assignation, followed, went around to the other bedroom (which shared the adjoining aforementioned bathroom), briefly startled the already viewing public, then joined them.
I won't tell you that I performed herculean feats of sexual congress, but neither was I Jason Biggs spasmodically confronting Shannon Elizabeth in American Pie either, thank the Gods. Nor do I, reportedly, make an inordinately funny face when I crack a stone. Stupid, yes, that last one, but nice to know all the same.
I'll have two of what Migs is drinking, thanks.
Posted by: Fes on October 4, 2003 11:49 PMWhen I woke up next morning I yelled at my sofa for two hours straight.
Did you say(have no idea how the sweedes spell it)
[/back of the throat]FEE OWNE!!!!(The devil made me do it.)
Really just wanted to say: Go Cowboys!:P
M
Vivre means to live in French.
I love when languages overlap.
V
*I drink tequilla, btw.*
Posted by: Valerie on October 5, 2003 04:00 PMI've never actually had someone walk in, but... Once, during a party in college, I was making full use of the bathroom with a beautiful young woman. When we finished, we looked at each other and both suddenly realized that it was quiet as a church outside the door. We opened it up slowly to find the entire party had stopped and was standing outside the door, listening in.
As we walked out, they applauded.
Posted by: jpoulos on October 5, 2003 06:06 PMGo Cowboys? Sorry, thom - the appropriate stupid sports phrase du jour is "Cowboy up!"
Go, Bosox!
Posted by: yhbc on October 5, 2003 08:10 PMA similar thing happened at a party I went to back in my bookstore days. At one point in the shindig. the girl hosting the festivities (her name was Shannon) went into the next room with this drunk-on-a-jug of Ipswich guy named Brad. I saw an eyeful of Shannon straddling Brad's prone drunken form through the doorway before they shut it on us. We continued drinkin' outside. My awash-in-Jager freind Dom (best described as the love child of Al Roker and Gabby Hayes) kept peering through the keyhole. We'd alternately scold him and ask him what he saw. They came out an hour later and we all of course applauded as well.
For the next month at work, Brad was known as "Shannon's Cannon."
Posted by: jonmc on October 5, 2003 08:11 PMThis thread needs new life. So...
Anyone ever walk in on their parents?
The closest I got was trying to open their bedroom door and finding it locked. I ran like hell back up to my room and turned on the radio, real loud-like.
Posted by: ufez on October 6, 2003 11:05 AMMy parents never had sex. They found me under the back porch. End of story.
Posted by: jonmc on October 6, 2003 11:25 AMI guess it doesn't count if one tells the party guests they can come in and watch, huh? Figures.
Thankfully I never caught my parents going at it, though Ma has a sadistic tendancy to make us squirm with just the right tiny, sexually loaded detail.
/still reeling after the Advice on Furry Handcuffs Debacle
Posted by: romakimmy on October 6, 2003 11:49 AMI sometimes wish I could have my libido removed. It just gets me into trouble and loads me with guilt. I was much happier when I was just playing with blocks and drooling.
Y'know those people who dress up in baby clothes and coo and toddle and stuff? I understand them. Except for the pooping in diapers thing.
Posted by: jonmc on October 6, 2003 11:56 AMOne time at a slumber party when I was 12, I went to tattle on my friends older brother for trying to kiss the girls (completely unaware that we were playing a game.) I went up to her parents room to tell on everyone (I wasn't a popular kid after that)and her big, fat father was lying on the bed, flat on his back, stark naked. He jumped up and hid behind the far side of the bed. And I was told to go back downstairs.
Now, I ask you, if you're 12 year old daughter is having a slumber party with her 12 year old friends would you even think about being naked?
If you look closely, you can still see the scar left by the incident on my tender psyche.
Posted by: Valerie on October 6, 2003 12:08 PMNow romakimmy, that's just not fair. You tell the story and leave it for us to be the judge.
I did walk in on my parents once, and I had the good sense to pretend I was sleepwalking. Whether they believed it or not, we all saved face - and isn't that what matters?
Posted by: tizzie on October 6, 2003 12:09 PMWe went camping this weekend and got walked in on by a bear.
Not really, but that would be more interesting than Sigmund and Roy getting mauled by tigers, I think.
Listen! For the last freakin' time, I am not a disturbing-vest-and-frilly-shirt-wearing, Eastern European tiger-botherer! OKAY?!
I may look like a pile of Kim Chi, but I deserve repect and love!
*sigh*
Sometimes I don't know why I even bother.
Posted by: kaf on October 6, 2003 12:45 PMDear Sigmund,
Please forgive me. Please. I will never again confuse you with a toupee-and-spandex-wearing pussy provoker as long as I live.
Yours truly,
Tizzie
Ah, don't worry about it, kid.
Say, you free tonight? I could dress up as a singing telegram guy!
Posted by: kaf on October 6, 2003 01:01 PM...Alls I'm saying is, is that when you're four you don't really know the difference between the sound of a huge monster trying to knock the front door in and the sound of a wooden headboard smacking into the wall of your parent's bedroom.
Mighty disturbin'.
Posted by: Mars Crash on October 6, 2003 02:38 PMAlso, when you're four, you don't understand that it's OK for Dad to be naked, covered in spray cheese, and wearing a Nixon mask while he dances around to John Philip Sousa marches.
Only later, when you're about six, do you understand.
Posted by: kaf on October 6, 2003 04:39 PMChange that to Shredded Colby Jack, a Hubert H. Humphrey mask, and the soundtrack to FlashBeagle, and you've got my typical Saturday Night.
Posted by: ufez on October 6, 2003 05:10 PMWhen I was a teenager, I came home from school to hear the distinctive sound of squeeking bed springs from upstairs. I froze and thought to myself 'but they're in their fifties!' Then promptly fled the house.
I got you all beat.
I found the unmarked video tape in Dad's secret stash of porn.
Posted by: yhbc on October 6, 2003 08:35 PMI had the same thing happen with a neighbor, who was freind of my mom's. Only the man in the tape wasn't her husband. They were separated at the time.
I was around 15-16. I was babysitting their kids and they paid well and had a well-stocked liquor cabinet, even if their kids were kinda bratty. On the tape they were having rather gymnastic sex and there was also a lotta naughty polaroids, a dildo that looked like a sea anenome and what I can only describe as (explicit) sex coupons.* The husband was a coke addict from what we in the tri-state area call a "connected family" accent on family.
Every once in a while he'd call and ask who his "fuckin' wife was out with" and offer me weed to tell him. I kept my mouth shut. Later on she divorced the coke feind and married her co-star. At leasthe kids I baby sat became semi-delinquents as teens.
* I was looking for a book I'd loaned her. honest injun.
Posted by: jonmc on October 6, 2003 09:00 PMI saw my first Playboy when I was babysitting for a family down the street. I locked myself in the bathroom with it for so long that the kids nearly murdered each other and their pets.
Posted by: tizzie on October 6, 2003 09:22 PMI found the unmarked video tape in Dad's secret stash of porn.
You know, that's made even wierder by the fact that due to some local TV commercials, I know what the commish's dad looks like.
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