9622.net

"Watch this."
John Kennedy Jr, July 17,1999.

...also heard just prior to every pick-up truck wreck and wood-chipper fatality south of the 40th parallel (Decatur, Illinois).

"I've had eighteen straight whiskeys. I think that's the record."

--Dylan Thomas, shortly before going to The Great Barstool in the Sky

Having just looked at my highschool yearbook (the inevitable reunion coming up, wanted to see if there was anyone I'd care to reunite with), I'd have to say that one of my favorite quotes is still

"Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge," Paul Gaugin.

Oh, sweet, sweet revenge.

Well, shit, if we're gonna be macabre about it, then my favorite (supposed) last words are Jackson Pollock's:

"See that tree?"

I quoted Springsteen in my high school yearbook. I let you all guess what line. I went to my 5 year reunion, which wasn't that big a deal since I kept seeing most of them around town anyway, cause the economy sucked balls at the time and most people still lived at home. I got drunk and annoyed the hell out of one of my friend Jason's parade of girlfirends. I haven't seen him since.

Unless I miraculously develop Carrie-like powers, I will continue my long-standing tradition of avoiding high school reunions.

"Does everyone think they can go on playing tricks on me??" --Carrie White

Macabre quotes? I like it.

"I see black light." -Victor Hugo, 1885, just before his death

i signed all yearbooks with this, my senior quote:

"a duck, and a tricycle, because a vest has no sleeves."

damn stupid kid, me.

have all monkeys seen this? about the robot arm? soon our plans for world domination will be complete.

The only thing worse than high school....

college.

Like I mentioned in the Blue, I find it quite suspicious that the lead scientists name is Miguel.

Nah, college was WAY better than high school, if only because of the a)free condoms b)ample booze and c)copious drugs, all of which were hard for me to come by at Palookaville High.

college sucked for me. I got my first tastes of those things but only enough to fuck me up for life. And I managed to be even more of a social pariah there. Plus I didn't even get a degree out of it. If I had it to do over again, I'd join the damned Marines. No joke.

You went Palookaville too?

*tries to picture Jonmc in the Marines*

*fails miserably*

College was great. It was like high school without the sucky bits and with more good bits. (And considerably more naughty bits.)

Granted, there were hassles/annoyances/moments of bone-crushing suicidal despair, but it was on balance much better than high school.

*pictures Jonmc rappelling down from a helicopter to liberate the Schlitz brewery*

(As always, I kid because I love.)

whatta you kidding me, I'd've made a fantastic ruthless killer.

"You're not only a member of al-Qaeda, but also a Depeche Mode fan? I must eliminate you now."

Well,you're (and I mean no insult by this) college people. I, for a variety of reasons, am not. That's the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.

"Do me a favor. When you get home, throw your mother a bone." -Dorothy Parker

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine." - Homer Simpson

"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." - Woody Allen

"Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong." -Winston Churchill

"Damnant quod non intellegunt." -Latin proverb

Meanwhile, back at the reason for this post...

I like this quote.

"Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker."

It's attributed to Ogden Nash. I used to read Ogden Nash when I was kindergarten, although I didn't get most of what he was saying until my late teens.

Brittney. I guess I was writing my entry while you were writing yours.

My comment about getting back to the original post, was directed to JonMC and the Vidiot for they were digressing, yet again.

You could be a German policeman, too.

Ha!

Picture me interrogating:

"You say you're an American? Sing "For Whom The Bell Tolls" slimebag...."

Digressing.

Is that what those two are calling it nowadays?

Sorry for the digression, Valerie. We'll try to keep things on topic, in finest monkeyhouse fashion.

My favorite Ogden Nash (which is hard to pick) would have to be his "Observation on Babies":

A bit of talcum
Is always walcum.

I also have great fondness for this gem, by Hunter S. Thompson:

"The TV business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where
thieves and pimps run free and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side."

"I like it when someone digresses" - Holden Caulfield.

There, simultaneously satisfying both coversational tangents.

Excellent!

My favourite ever since I first read it, 30 years ago, is by Samuel Beckett. It even became my motto and philosophy for life:

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.

"'I am a stylist and the most beautiful sentence I have ever heard is, 'Have one on the house.' "-Wilson Mizner.

I always kinda liked:

"As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

Which I hope is being etched onto Gordon Jump's tombstone right about now.

Yes, Mr. Jump is off to the land of broken maytags.

"Well, I believe in the soul... the cock...the pussy... the small of a woman's back... the hangin' curveball... high fiber... good scotch... that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent overrated crap... I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days."

'Nother good one, Crash. (Even if Ron Shelton did call it "actor bait.") Last weekend, I showed that movie to someone who had never seen it before...I was jealous that they got to see it for the first time.

Sorry. I didn't mean to sound the MONKEY GESTAPO.

Boys, will you ever find it in your hearts to forgive me?

monkey gestapo?

I'm picturing goose-stepping monkeys now. Or monkey-stepping gooses. Damned acid flashbacks.

"Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few." Churchill

"The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity." Harlan Ellison

"I drank what?" Socrates by way of Val Kilmer

"Would you like to see my pussy?"
-Roy Horn

Val, that's just wrong. (Well done!)

So that's why you're called Crash Davis - it's from that Bull Durham film! But of course!

D'uh!

Crash, I have that quote (from a newpaper) in my wallet...very nice.

My favorite quote - the one that made me question, and finally turn aside from, Catholicism and religion in general is,

"Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear."

Thomas Jefferson rocks.

The circumstances of the world are so variable, that an irrevocable purpose or opinion is almost synonymous with a foolish one. —W.H. Seward

Not knowing is much more interesting than believing an answer which might be wrong. —Richard Feynman

Every failure to cope with a life situation must be laid, in the end, to a restriction of consciousness. —Joseph Campbell

To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. —e. e. cummings

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. —Bertrand Russell

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. —Matt Groening

"Look, you're on ten, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your guitar, where can you go from there? Nowhere. But this goes to eleven!"
- Nigel Tufnel

- Nigel Tufnel

"You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like - I'm really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it's sort of in between those, really. It's like a Mach piece, really."

_Nigel Tufnel

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-"

-General John Sedgwick, Battle of Spotsylvania

Plus a bonus whole page of stupid-in-hindsight criticism I found when looking for the "groups of guitars are on the way out" quote from the record company that turned down the Beatles.

My new favorite:
Fred Astaire: "Can't act. Can't sing. Balding. Can dance a little."
- MGM exec when he saw Astaire's screen test.

"There's nothing a good Agnostic can't accomplish as long as he's not sure whether he really believes in it or not"

— Graham Chapman

"Never could stand that dog."

— Tom Waits

"The moving man was wearing a T-shirt that said DON'T F*** with Mr. Zero."
Harry from When Harry Met Sally

/italic

God, that was driving me nuts like a steering wheel in my pants.

"It's only shallow people who do not judge by appearances."
~Oscar Wilde

I was originally going to name my site "Fail Better" but it seemed a little pretentious for the barely literate swill to be found within.
Still, I think it'd make a good name.

"If all be true that I do think,
There are five reasons we should drink:
Good wine, a friend, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by and by,
Or any other reason why."
-Henry Aldrich

"If u tell me
"Don't get mixed up with the Devil"
That's exactly
What I'm gonna do"
- Greg Dulli

"Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
So meet me at the mission at midnight
We'll divy up there
Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people
So I got the pistol
So I get the Pesos

That seems fair"
- Roger Clyne

"Hail Hail the Eyeball Kid"
-Tom Waits

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away."
- Tom Waits

"When I die, bury me by the highway side
So my old evil spirit can catch a Greyhound bus and ride"
- Robert Johnson

"My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!"
"In a row?"
- those two guys from Clerks

Lordy lord, I could go on for hours dredging up favorites. Here's a couple that spring to mind, though :

"Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume and at least a pint of ether."- Hunter S. Thompson

I'm also pretty fond of the one that's graced my site for a while, from the good ol' Happy Rock,

"I believe that today more than ever a book should be sought after even if it has only one great page in it: we must search for fragments, splinters, toenails, anything that has ore in it, anything that is capable of resuscitating the body and soul. It may be that we are doomed, that there is no hope for us, any of us, but if that is so then let us set up a last agonizing, bloodcurdling howl, a screech of defiance, a war whoop! Away with lamentation! Away with elegies and dirges! Away with biographies and histories, and libraries and museums! Let the dead eat the dead. Let us living ones dance about the rim of the crater, a last expiring dance. But a dance!"
- Henry Miller

"Learnin' things never taught me nothin'"

-The slovenly yet vageuley sexy British broad in Yellowbeard

Thundersluts? No, sir, ThunderPants!

Speaking of under pants, this comment had me speechless/confused yesterday and this is a great thread.

If you have it, and you know you have it, you have it.
If you don't have it and think you have it, you have it.
But if you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it.

And awaaay we go!
-Jackie Gleason

58 comments and no Lebowski. I am disappointed in you all.

His money is twice tainted; 'taint yours and 'taint mine. -Mark Twain

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on,
I go to the library and read a book. - Groucho Marx

Like too the ones, author unkown:
You can call me, "whatever you would like".
But please, never call me, "late to supper".

I would have put up a Lebowski quote, but I have a beverage here.

This is not 'Nam, salmonberry. There are rules.

"I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars..."

--Bunny Lebowski

And there ya go.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields

Name the movie:

"Third place is . . . you're fired!!"
and

"You stupid F***-ing C***!!! Who told you you could work with men?!?!?!?!"

Hah! Glengarry, doll.

How about this one? "The light that burns twice as bright, burns half as long. And you have burned so very, very brightly, Roy."

Bladerunner.

How about this one:

There are two kinds of people in this world: Those that enter a room and turn the television set on, and those that enter a room and turn the television set off.

"There are two kinds of people in this world..."

Muppets in Outer Space, Gonzo?

A few weeks ago, I ate leftover grouper in the office. This pissed off my coworkers, quite understandably, since it was a rather stinky piece of grouper (however tasty). So, my boss proceeds to fumigate the office with green apple spray, at which point I looked up from my plate and said, "great, now it smells like apples and stinky fish."

I didn't see the big deal, but he's still talking about stinky fish and apples to this day.

My favorite quote?

"You know what your problem is, pussycat? Why don't you get a job or something, ya know? Do something, be a nurse...work with blind kids, lepers, that sort of thing."

--Tony Montana, Scarface.

"Janie, we need to schedule more events where someone gives me a really big fish." --The American President

Oh! So we're playing the Guess The Movie Quote game now? Cool.

This one should be easy, but as it is from my Favorite Movie Scene Ever, I'm gonna throw it out:

"Have you tried twenty-two tonight?"

"See ya next Wednesday."

I honestly think you ought to calm down; take a stress pill and think things over.

[Someone still needs to get my first one.]

Have you tried twenty-two tonight?

Is that Casablanca by any chance?

Please be kind if I'm wrong. My team just came in last place at trivia tonight.

If it's the scene I'm thinking of Rick is strongly suggesting to a young married couple that they pick 22 on the roulette wheel because he's fixed the game so they can win the money they need to buy passage out of Casablance.

Yup. That would be it.

"No thanks, I already ate a bag of smashed assholes tonight."
- A certain coworker of mine, upon being offered some tofurkey.

Ana, that stress pill quote is our friend Hal from 2001: a space odyssey.

I have a Hal quote that plays on my computer throughout the day:

"I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that."

Our CEO's name is Dave. That makes it a joke, son.

Here's another from the same film as the first quote:

Raymond Shaw is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life.

Can we keep playing the NAME THAT QUOTE GAME?

"Didn't we meet on a summer cruise?"
"I've never been on a summer cruise."
"Quel domage."

Alas, we monkeys are attention-span deficient, dear Valerie.

Four Weddings and a Funeral?

Thanks Fes for humoring me.

It's a line from a scene in the Producers when Leo Bloom meets the great director Roger Debris for the first time. Roger Debris is coming on to Leo, making him extremely uncomfortable.

A Producers quote that I didn't catch? I'm slipping.

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