9622.net

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! Even if it doesn't really happen, just thinking about it is too much fun to pass up.

You see, basically I lack real life thrills at the moment. So believing that Miguel is coming to visit is perking me right up.

Did I tell you I'm moving: Antarctica...hope you have chains.

So what would you non-big-city monkeys show Migs? What's best about Covington, St. Louis, Dallas, or wherever else y'all live?

Covington not a big city? Harrumphh. The nerve of some people!

Sheesh, I'll bet we have a three or even a four-story building here. Somewhere. Probably.

Rephrasing: What would you non-Noo Yawk/El Lay monkeys show him?

I am most chastened. Forgive me, tizzie.

That's better.

Anyway, I should think that Miguel would want to see the bluegrass horsefarms and the wild azaleas in the appalachian foothills, once he got over the metropolitan glamour that is Covington! If he could get over it.

I think a few hours in Dismal-land where the "no alcohol" policy will be repeatedly explained to him, along with the "Portuguese people have to ride the teacups until they get sick" initiation policy. After that, a visit to the LaBrea Tar Pits, where he will be dangled over the pit until he promises never to again post a chatty MeTa thread.

I'd probably leave him naked, bound and gagged at the pulpit of the Crystal Cathedral.

And, of course, a visit to Hollywood Boulevard to pay our repects to our fallen idol.

I would show him the inside of a Utah bar. This is something that even most Utah residents have never seen, so seeing it puts one in very elite company.

They have bars in Utah?

Dallas: grassy knoll, cowboy cheeleaders...green neon skylined buildings as seen in the X-files movie; or let him rent "Dallas" the series while visiting. Also "Jaws" was first previewed at N. Park Mall w/ Steven Steilberg in the house but I think they just tore down that movie theatre.

They have bars in Utah?

Probably just black bars. No Grizzlies, though.

*ga-hilk*

Detroit: ummm... urban blight. See what happens to a city that the local government has consistently screwed over for over 40 years.

Actually, The Henry Ford Museum is huge dose of americana. (like Bucky's Dymaxion house)

The DIA is nice as well... if not jus to prove that we do have museums scattered about in places other than NY.

oh, and we have casinos too.

Yeah, the Henry Ford Museum is really cool, as is Greenfield Village. Highlight of a fun road trip with my dad years ago. (We also went to the Air Force museum at Wright-Patterson AFB...that and the Ford museum are like geek porn.)

We have a big arch, a big river, a place that serves beer in big schooners the size of mop buckets - but I'd show him Dominic's, a little place with the absolutely finest Italian food I've ever tasted, a wine list second to none, terrific waiters, and four stars from Mobil for the last 20 years or so.

Wow, Tizzie - thanks! This made my day!

Kaf: funny you should say that about Disneyland. I've been there. I was sure I could get at least a beer. I wandered about, going into saloons, refusing to believe there was no booze. Then I espied Adventure Land or whatever the place with the pirates is called and I sincerely thought "Rum!".

But no rum, no nothing. Not even miniatures in the "It's a small world" malarkey.

What a swiz!

Miguel, you're not a member of Club 33?

Then I espied Adventure Land or whatever the place with the pirates is called and I sincerely thought "Rum!".
The restaurant in the Pirates of the Caribbean had alcohol this was in 80's, not sure now. You had to make a reservation or you can take the monorail to the hotel bar. Have also watched many guys sneak beer in their kid's diaper bags which seemed a little "low class" at the time.
{remembers first trip to Wally-World(walll-martt sic) which was in Dallas) In Dallas there were no open container laws during the 90's; walked around drinking beers while gawking.

Houston: We have any number of interstate highways that go somewhere else.

Enjoy!

(We do have the best strippers, though. Don't listen to those pervs from Dallas and Atlanta. They will tell you lies.)

Hmph. I could tell you Clermont Lounge stories...

No, notsnot, much as it pains this Noo Yawker to admit it, Miami has the best strippers. All hot, all nude, lap dances are cheap, and they tend to have minds as dirty as the patrons. When I lived in Dade County there were 3 jiggle rooms within 5 minutes of my place (lipstik [next to a Gymboree, how convenient, but the girls were too skinny for my taste], Bare Neccessity [which was also a hardcore drunks bar, the patrons looked at their bourbon with as much lust as the girls] and my joint, Stir Crazy Loungue, at any given time crawling with about 20 naked girls, a loud jukebox, cheap beer, and you could smoke.)

I could talk about Bridgeport's strip clubs, but there's only one worth mentioning (only for it's scuzz factor, despite being topless only.)

Also, I'd like a constitutional amendment outlawing "Barbie Girl" as lap dance theme.

"Hmph. I could tell you Clermont Lounge stories..."

Tell us! Tell us!

It is my life's ambition to make a pilgrimage to the Clermont.

Give me a coupla hours. Gonna be busy with work till 8pm or so. It'll be worth it, trust me.

(you've HEARD of the Clermont? From where?)

I gotta say, Vidiot's right: for sheer bang for your buck, the Clermont Lounge is where it's at.

And I know I've touted this before, but the Atlantis in Baltimore is worth a visit too (if you prefer outies, not innies, that is).

New Hampshire: Old Man On the Mountain....oh, shit....wait a second.

Belly buttons? They specialize in belly buttons?

Are you dissing the teacup ride, kaf? That ride is AWESOME. Taxi, fishfucker and myself must have been on it 3 times during our crazy day at Disneyland.

"The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh" is just a waste of time. Unless you're on acid. Then it'd be a massive freak-out.

And that's ok, it's not like we want migs in Canada or anything. Too cold for him, I'm sure.

Everyone should come to New Orleans.

Are you dissing the teacup ride, kaf?

Only because it makes me sick.

But, isn't that part of the ride? If you can't drink, at least you can still puke.

But that's just my opinion. The others had different favourites.

I've always been a Mr. Toad's Wild Ride kind of guy. Even the non-porno version.

But really, the best ride there is Space Mountain and that's closed for a year or something, to ramp up its bloodlust. Thunder Mountain railroad is inching ahead in the "killin folks" dept.

The idea of Migs in the teacups absolutely slays me. But they'd have to replace them with giant martini glasses for him to even CONSIDER such a thing...

But okay: The Clermont Lounge.

Picture a small strip club. It's in the basement of the Clermont Hotel, a flophouse par excellence. (G.G. Allin wrote a song about it. Plus, it was the only hotel in Atlanta that wasn't sold out during the '96 Olympics.) The horseshoe-shaped bar encloses the stage, so you have to reach past the bartenders to hand your dollar bills to the ladies. It's seedy. (How seedy, you ask? You expect to see Tom Waits doing shots with Charles Bukowski at the end of the bar. That seedy.) There's a jukebox over in the corner, but you're not allowed to use it -- it's got a sign on it reading "Dancers Only", and you can see dancers feeding in dollar bills before their next number.

How should I describe the dancers? Well, "over-the-hill" is probably charitable. Except for Blondie, who I'd describe as "larger-than-life." Blondie is a black woman with striking platinum blonde hair. She recites her own original poetry while crushing beer cans between her breasts.

It's also the only place I've ever heard a bartender harangue patrons (in a strong Deep South twang) for not tipping the dancers enough. "Y'all gotta realize that Rose here has kids in college. She needs that money more than you do, sugar!"

Everyone needs to go there at least once in their lives.

I think Miguel should set sail from Portugal to Boston, take a train to New York, then drive down to Kentucky and across to St. Louis and Route 66.

It would be like Christopher Columbus, the Pilgrims, Lewis and Clark and Chuck Berry all rolled into one. With martinis.

Miguel, if you videotape the trip you can sell a million copies. I'll be your agent.

Vidiot, did the place have midgets? It's not a real dive strip club if there aren't any midgets.

not true.. some can't even afford midgets....

how sad.

You've got poetry-spouting women who crush beer cans with their breasts, and you want midgets?

Sheesh, there's no pleasing some people.

'Twas the year before Mig's trip
And all through the States
All the monkeys were stirring
They could hardly wait

The humidors were filled
And the bar stocked with care
In hopes that Cardoso
Soon would be there

Flown in fresh from Lisbon
On a jet's silver wings
To see midgets
Lapdancers and other Yank things

(p.s. you're not going during Stampede, are you? beneath that suave iberian exterior, there's surely a rootin' tootin' cowpoke anglin' to get out.)

(well, actually, i'd be shocked if there was. but hell, i had to try, didn't i?)

arto, I didn't realise you were right next door (by Canadian standards). Many is the time I have stumbled down the streets of Calgary, wondering how anyone can live where it gets so f*****g cold. I mean, really, really, really windy cold - except when the Chinooks come and it's windy and warm in January. Which feels even weirder.

I think Migs would make a fine addition to the Stampede. I can just see him shouting out words of encouragement to the rodeo clowns as they dodge angry bulls.

Hmmm... Florida has the Gator Jumparoo, and police harassment.
Both are greatly aided by alcohol, so Migsy should be in good shape.

Ha ha - is Gator Jumparoo a cocktail? Heck, is Police Harrassment? Foaming blue curaçao jumping up and down on Tia Maria?

Arto, that poem is beautiful. *sniff*
A work of art-o, so to speak.

Surely the grandeur of the Gator Jumparoo hasn't escaped the attention of Portugal's Iggy Pop?

Seriously, I hate this motherfucking state like an ass full of eels.

Better than a horse's head full of eels.

*bangs Tin Drum and shudders*

I wonder who has the balls to post 9622 thread #1,000?

Dong, I can sure as hell see why.

Well, that link didn't work.
http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2003/12/16/miami_police/index.html

Confound you woman, that link goes nowhere!

I know, I'm a hopeless twat.

now, now. where there's a twat, there's always hope.

Well, dong, you know what to do...

Yeah, dong, come to Queens.

You already have a built in crew of compadres. It'll be like Sex In The City, only without the sex. and the money. and the cool factor.

But there's still me, vidiot, chico, & c_s. And junk food galore.

Hey, where ya goin'....

:: wakes from 2 week bender ::

whazzat? Miguelito is coming here? Here?

:: opens another bottle of scotch ::

No! Dong, New York already has it's share of "interesting personalities." Come to St. Louis! It's peaceful here. Serene. Pleasant. Apartments are cheap. Real trees made out of actual wood are plainly visible nearly everywhere you go. There's plenty of hormones in the milk, and you don't need a Fark tag to know what that means (coughcoughboobiescough). The entire region smells vaguely of grass and gasoline. Notsnot and I will take you out for fried chicken.

We have whiskey!

::waves bottle::

All you want!

/me envisions something akin to the Olympic bidding process, albeit with even more bribery...

::startled glance over at Vidiot::

Hookers too! We have fantastic hookers!! And we can get you some!!

Hmph. I'll see your arch, and raise you four skyscrapers and a Chelsea tranny.

Actually, here in Astoria, vidiot, all we can offer is quaint row houses, a couple museums, and a pack of drunk, randy Greeks.

I'm a drunk, randy geek -- does that qualify?

whazzat? Miguelito is coming here? Here?

Close your eyes and think as hard as you can! "Miguel will come to visit! Miguel will come to visit."

You Must Believe.

Hormones, you say?

Only if you pay her enough, Dong.

*rimshot*

Hey dong, come to Detroit, you'll wish you were still in Florida.

tj-HA!

Seriously, Dong, if you come here, we could get you set up pretty well. If nothing else, you could make a meagre living snarking in the weekly rag.

salmonberry: Jaysus, it's not that cold up here. Well, not all the time. That would be Edmonton.

Heh. When I was even more deeply in love with Joni Mitchell than I am now, I wanted to move to Fort Macleod, Alberta. I remember it had more sunlight hours than anywhere else in Canada. Even then, in all my tender idealism, I thought they were lying. ;)

C'mon, 1000! *rolls dice*

Meant to post something last night at home. But I got home late and was tired. Drat.

It is foretold by the ancients that post 1000 will bring a terrible plague and hairs growing where they shouldn't.

*shaves bottoms of feet*

I can attest to that.

hairs growing where they shouldn't

If that's a typo, then the existence of Paris Hilton qualifies for both.

*shaves palms*

*shaves screen*
waves

Oddly enough, Miguel, I spent the first year of my life in Claresholme, Alberta, the next town north of Fort Macleod. Haven't actually seen much of Fort Macleod itself, though. Crowsnest Pass, just west of there, is quite pretty, though maybe not quite as awe-inspiring as the Rockies near Banff.

I saw a program on passenger trains in Canada (yeah, on GeekTV) that made me aware of how gorgeous the Canadian Rockies are. I have them on my "to do" list, snow be damned.

I took a train across Canada as a wee bairn. Probably not old enough to appreciate it, but I DO remember that they had super cool Star Trek style doors inbetween cars, where you pressed a pad and they opened thus "pssssshhht!" and closed also thus.

[waits for someone to recount geeky anecdote where Shatner made the pssssshhht! noise with his mouth]

arto is right, gorgeous area. I love Waterton Lake Park. Prairie on your left, Rockies on your right, no foothills. I nearly got run over by an elk there. I don't know what was chasing it.

I did the train from Vancouver - Toronto a few years back. I don't think it's been updated since you were on it kaf, several psssssshhht's were made by me personally.

As long as you said "excuse me," then no harm was done.

9622.net: I nearly got run over by an elk there.

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