We all know our conscience and our will are puppies who have the nous to sleep together and pay no heed to each other. And yet... We are, after all, a hopeful species... Will you share one or two unfulfillable resolutions for 2004 we can all goad you about come 2005?
Don't be tongue-tied now! Who knows if we can achieve the odd one?
More compassionate? Fitter? Less selfish? Thinner? More sober? Less anti-social? A better cook? A better friend? A better husband or wife? More honest? More focussed?
The mind boggles!
Posted by Miguel at December 30, 2003 01:30 AMMy new years resolution (the first in a while, since I swore of them on principle) is to spend more money. On music. No matter how broke I am. This is good, right? I got to the end of the year and saw the great records that came out that I didn't buy . . . fuck it. I'm buying that shit.
Also, to "start working out, stop smoking, cut back on drinking, etc, etc."
Posted by: mikro on December 30, 2003 11:12 AMIn the past years have had many which all were "to do less or zilch". Swearing is one of them which failed me and unsually found myself at year end cussing more: F-in taxes, government, car..ects of life. Since a bad habit is easily replaced with more contructive time will have more sex as my New Year's resolution instead.
Posted by: thomcatspike on December 30, 2003 11:43 AMMore exercise. Better staying in touch with friends and family. Tidier.
Uphill battle, I know.
Posted by: Vidiot on December 30, 2003 12:19 PMI just came back from getting my license plate tags renewed on time (for a change) so I am already feeling virtuous and have nothing further to resolve.
Yeah, right.
Posted by: tizzie on December 30, 2003 12:25 PMI'm going to use more foul language.
Going to try to be less sincere and more vapid, too.
Isn't insincere and vapid more of a West Coast thing?
Posted by: Crash on December 30, 2003 03:19 PMDepends on what neighborhood you're in.
But foul language is definitely New York.
Posted by: Vidiot on December 30, 2003 03:47 PMIMO, insincere and vapid are totally bicoastal 'qualities' (NY AND LA), although I've observed a lot more insincerity in the Great American Heartland (TM) in recent years. And there's plenty of foul language all over, but it's often hard to understand with the heavy accents. Okay, that's my quota of cynicism for today.
As for my own resolutions, I have too many to count this year, so I'm going to phase them in one a week with the option to give up on one for each two I start. So my first resolution will be to get adequately organizated to manage my resolutions...
Posted by: wendell on December 30, 2003 03:50 PMI actually kept up my resolution from last year, mainly becasue I told no one about them. I did manage to drink much less than I used to.
No one seemed to notice until a party I was at on the 26th, when someone (who I don't see that often) said "My god TJ, I don't think I've ever seen you without a drink in your hand" and then proceeded to tell the story about a concert (Roxy Music, I believe) where I was two fisting triple jack and cokes like they were going to be outlawed any minute (I was thirsty).
This year, I just need to find a job.
This year's devoted to finishing things I've started. Including, but not limited to, the list of "things I need to finish" that I never finished.
Posted by: precocious on December 30, 2003 06:03 PMI plan to spend New Year's hiding under my bed with a bottle of whisky. Last year I went out and it was a disaster, followed by 12 months of bad luck.
So for resolutions, my resolution is to hide. Hide away from everyone and everything. It's all brought me nothing but trouble. No, you people are my bestest friends, my bestest friends ever!
Posted by: salmonberry on December 30, 2003 06:42 PMsalmonberry, I was just listening to a swap cd from you at work today, In fact, my boss brought her baby in and I was keeping him at my desk, and when he started getting antsy I put on your cd. And he liked it.
In the unlikely event that that results in me getting a raise, you'll get your cut. 50/50. As per last year's raise, that's 30 cents for you!
Fitter.
Happier.
More productive.
I resolve to stop spitting at little old ladies; to cease ridiculing my fish for their exponential growth; to admit that I buried the bodies, if not where.
Posted by: towerbrave on December 30, 2003 08:21 PMI used to to make concrete, discrete sorts of resolutions (I will stop smoking; I will not buy ties at the clearance rack at JCPenney; I will not chip any teeth during a vigorous french kiss; I will not use the phrase "unruly monkeyboner" to refer to an impromptu erection when talking to my sister-in-law) but that sort of definitive, linear thinking seems to automatically doom one to failure. It's like the old game of "don't think of an elephant", which, once ordered, can't help but be thought of. Cigarettes flew into my stunned yapper; JCP bags filled with cheap, bright, shitty ties dangled dingleberrily from my gunrack; teeth chipped with abandon at even the slightest hint of tonguetangling, and my dinners-with-the-inlaws became so ribald as to beggar gentlemanly description. So what to do?
One could, obviously, swear off resolutions, and that at first seemed a reasonable alternative. Yet, the turn of the year is filled with such promise, so bloated with the capacity for fresh starts, that it seemed only the worst misanthropes would choose to forgo the opportunity. After some thought, I realized that those things I found, at the fin of de siecle petit, wanting in my own life were questions not of either-or but of magnitude and amplitude - I had not done enough of this, too much of that, crossed this particular line, missed that particular opportunity. So since, I make resolutions seeking to tweak, as it were, my life and behavior in ways that, I hope, maximize the pleasure I take from life, and well as the pleasure I bring to it. So:
-I'm going to try and add a couple miles to my Sunday run over the course of the year; add a couple pounds to the bench-bar, while I'm at it, and one more situp each night. And no skimping on the stretching and jumpropes.
-I'm not going to sneak any more cigarettes per diem than I do now.
-I'm going to try to drink better, and in slightly larger quantities. That liver ain't just for making bile, after all.
-I'm going to try and read a bit more. Biographies especially. But also Penthouse Letters.
-I'm going to try to be genuinely nicer to strippers.
-I'm going to try a sweater over shirt and tie this winter. Just to see what happens.
-I'm going to try to not envy my friends' attractiveness to women. At the same time, I will increase making wagers on my friends' attractiveness to women, and the various sorts of wackiness that can be caused to ensue.
-I'm going to try and wear cufflinks more often.
-I'm going to try and sleep one hour less per night. Also, going to try and convince my doctor that modafinal is therapeutic for stressed marketing hacks.
-I'm going to try to continue being smarter, faster and more efficent than my colleagues, while still remaining likable. Also, I will start charging for being the office shrink, albeit solely using the barter system.
-I'm going to try and improve my flagging self-esteem.
-I'm going to try and meet more monkeys this year. First stop: New Orleans.
-I'm going to try to: be more prolific; be less tempermental; make more people laugh; make no people cry; impress my superiors with my style and perspicacity; impress my colleagues and subordiantes with my goodnaturedness and unassumingness; return emails faster; play more with kids, both mine and neighborhood (got my supersoaker on special!); listen to more music, and be more open to newer music; to read the maps for new territories; to plan ahead; to be more honest and pragmatic with myself, optimistic and gracious with others; and finally, as always: to be twice as critical of my own words and deeds, and half as critical of the words and deeds of others.
Posted by: Fes on December 31, 2003 01:18 AMHow the heck is a girl supposed to follow that?
I just wanna be a good mother and not forget the kid on the roof of the car. Finding a job where I can save the world would be nice, too.
Posted by: readymade on December 31, 2003 10:46 AMWell, I had tentatively resolved to stop being such a huge cocktease this year until a collegue gave me large gold earrings for xmas out of the clear blue sky, with nary a provocation from me.
At that point I realised that it was going to be a lost cause. Why fight natural ability, says I*.
So all I resolve to do is wear the Italian traditional red thong tonight for good luck and get smashingly drunk off of fizzy drinks and other such alcoholic fripperies.
Auguri monkeys!
*I've taken my tongue out of my cheek now. But dear fucking god - gold earrings?! Ack....
Posted by: romakimmy on December 31, 2003 10:50 AMStay on the wagon.
Better personal hygeine.
Finish unpacking (we've been here 5 months we might as well get our shit out of boxes already).
Write more, and better.
learn to play the steel guitar. (probably won't but I like the way they sound.
Posted by: jonmc on December 31, 2003 11:45 AMI'm going to try and meet more monkeys this year. First stop: New Orleans.
wOOt! I'm on that train. Somebody pick a date, and let's go!
Posted by: tizzie on December 31, 2003 12:36 PMFes, if you accomplish all that, what is left? the joys of life. Your last sentence, no matter how far you succeed, the spirit of it is Outstanding!
All you monkeys hope your New Years is a rambunctious one! Cheers!
Cook more (from this book specifically.)
Drink less.
Abuse myself by doing this.
Read more.
(Oh, and I can be in New Orleans in five hours.)
Posted by: Cyrano on December 31, 2003 01:56 PMCyrano, I admire your ambitious nature.
The sauces sound wonderful, but the fitness training sounds dreadful. Torture - who needs it? I liked Fes' idea of one sit-up a night, until I read more closely and saw that it said one more.
Posted by: tizzie on December 31, 2003 02:07 PMMy first "end of the year wrap-up" article is in today's paper. Yay me!
Posted by: tizzie on December 31, 2003 02:13 PM"end of the year wrap-up"
Made me laugh with hunger. Excellent Tiz.
You just made me laugh out loud. I've never seen a restaurant review that included the words "Throw away my vibrator!"
Y'know, William Grimes's job is open now...
(I'd sue over the caricature, though. You can bet that Ruth Reichl never has to put up with stuff like that...)
Posted by: Vidiot on December 31, 2003 03:00 PMI just want to be more positive. Produce more, consume less. Explore more of the world than I've seen (in a lot of different respects). And meeting more monkeys is always a good thing. (Cyrano, the missus ufez is moving to Houston on Saturday, so I'll be down there ~ once a month or so. Lemme know if you wanna hook up for a happy hour or something).
Hope you all have a fun and safe night tonight.
Posted by: ufez on December 31, 2003 03:24 PMI'm going to try and drink less.
Less lead-based paint anyway.
Posted by: Mars Crash on December 31, 2003 04:43 PMCome on, if iron's a part of a healthy, balanced diet, why not lead?
I make the same damn resolution every year: Get out of the restaurant biz, and into something where I use my tragically overdeveloped brain. I'll let you know if it actually happens.
Oh yeah, and I should form a band, play rock and/or roll and be adulated by dozens.
Posted by: arto on December 31, 2003 05:23 PMHappy New Year, Friends.
I resolve to come around less, and to enjoy it more. To (as Fes already said, I think) drink less, but better. To appreciate the world around me, instead of just observing it.
Again, Happy New Year. May it be better than the one we just had.
Posted by: yhbc on January 1, 2004 12:09 AMI just ran out of gas, right in front of my driveway... I'm not sure if that's a good or bad omen for the coming year.
Posted by: tj on January 1, 2004 04:22 AMI'm chuffed that my very first book, a survey of the pop music of the early 80s which was originally published more than 20 years ago, has just been reprinted to rave reviews as a "classic". This week's edition of our main weekly music paper, Blitz (scroll down and click) comes with a specially-priced edition on cheap paper and a four-page interview.
Some might interpret this as a sign I'm getting seriously old but I must say, after the doubtful pleasures of cultdom, I'm enjoying being a Classic much more. After all, wisdom comes so much easier than inspiration. ;)
Happy New Year, fellow monkey-love(r)s!
P.S. Kimmy - in Portugal the obligatory "revéillon" underwear (for men as well as women) is blue. And people say Latin countries are alike...what do they know, right? :)
Posted by: Miguel on January 1, 2004 01:32 PMBravo, Miguel! May the new year sell plenty of copies and bring you buckets of ducats.
I love you monkey friends! And I hope J-Po made a big splash today. Wonder if there's on-line coverage by his local media?
Posted by: tizzie on January 1, 2004 01:40 PMYou know, Tizzie - just after you started writing about food, well, I myself started writing weekly about food in the Diário de Notícias too. And, you know, you have said you like the baby animals photos and God knows I enjoy reading your articles so, you know, if ever a Portuguese-American or American-Portuguese Anthology Of Memorable Food Writing is required (and, to be frank, right now I know of no more pressing need in the publishing industry) I wonder, you know, whether we might join forces, so to speak.
Yes, it's 2004 and the flirting is back, big time! :)
My god, Miguel, you're a genius! We'll be rich, rich, fillllllthy rich. The Diary of Food and Portuguese American Baby Animals will be our ticket to fame and fortune.
Well, you already have fame, but fortune we could both use.
It's a match made in monkey heaven.
Posted by: tizzie on January 1, 2004 05:54 PMBe that as it may, I still think a list-heavy 1685-page book, entitled "What's Not To Love About Tizzie?" is the way to go.
As long as we elope beforehand, of course. :)
Posted by: Miguel on January 1, 2004 07:04 PM*seethes with envy*
*remembers resolution*
Five bucks says Miguel chips a tooth...?
Congratulations, my classic friend. May we all be able to claim the moniker someday, rather than just be old.
Posted by: Fes on January 1, 2004 11:45 PMPS: Happy New Year - of the Monkey!
*feels fate curling at ankles like a cat*
Posted by: Fes on January 1, 2004 11:50 PMMy blog is now the number two result on MSN search for "Rose Parade Twat." Is this some sort of special event I should know about? *grabs calendar*
And Miguel, are there really 1685 pages worth of things *not* to love about Tizzie? The mind boggles... Although PETA will definitely give you some free publicity for that baby animal cookbook. I'm picturing the protest signs now: "Miguel Fur Scum!" on one side, "Tizzie Now Slightly Less Adorable" on the other.
Posted by: arto on January 2, 2004 12:53 AMtizzie, I'm not sure if I should be flattered or disturbed that "Shock the Monkey" calmed a small child.
Friends and I developed some resolutions, feel free to adopt any of them for the whole year, or just borrow them for Lent:
1) Finally try to figure out what this "Animal Planet" is that all the cool kids are talking about.
2) Eat less candy cigarettes.
3) A new excercise program. So far, all we have for it is the title: "Movin' to da Riddim". DVDs to come later in the year.
4) Eat more candy, as long as it's not a direct violation of resolution #2.
5) NO MORE DRINKING ELECTRIC BLUE COCKTAILS ONCE TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER WHAT IS IN THEM
6) No more laughing at anyone who forgets #5 and pukes blue stuff in a snowy parking lot.
7) Petition local council to move a pub to an area of higher elevation than my home, as they are all currently at a lower elevation. Much lower.
8) NO MORE LETTING ANYONE DRINK ELECTRIC BLUE COCKTAILS IF THEY ARE CLEARLY TOO DRUNK TO MAKE SMART DECISIONS.
9) Only eat vegetables that look good, and finally throw off the tyrannical chains of nutritionist cabals.
10) Not to tell friends about the local coyote problems on the way through the woodland park betwixt house and pub, especially if they've had some weird blue drink and have totally lost their capacity to reason.
I suspect the only one I'll really keep involves the vegetables. I can only make so many sacrifices.
Posted by: salmonberry on January 2, 2004 02:27 AMFrom arto's (brilliant) website:
Why the internet is not yet perfect:
"Your search - monkey saying "fuck nietzsche, he's just a pretentious twat. but rainier maria rilke? i'd hit it!" - did not match any documents. Damn you Google, daaaaaamn you!
Update:
Searched the web for monkey saying "pardon me sir, do you have any grey poupon? no? how about brown? (snicker)".
And yet you complain!
(cracked me up, arto - thanks for the laughs and the great music intelligence!)
Posted by: Miguel on January 2, 2004 10:45 AMufez, happy hour sounds nifty. My schedule is always remarkably free considering how pretty, charming and well-hung I am, so just let me know.
(I'll send along some contact info.)
Posted by: Cyrano on January 2, 2004 11:05 AMApparently half a bottle of expensive tequila brings out my Inner Pole Dancer.
Chinaco Reposado Tequila- 100% Guaranteed Mortification, 0% Hangover
Posted by: romakimmy on January 2, 2004 12:34 PM*blushes* Flattery will get you everywhere, O Cardosious One.
And the notion of a website called "Sendliquor.com" fills my heart with hope for all humanity.
Posted by: arto on January 2, 2004 06:25 PMThought my N.Y.'s resolution would bring me a smile in the morning; next year I'm shooting for this to bring a bigger smile.
Posted by: thomcatspike on January 3, 2004 09:55 AMA note about posting images:
We encourage users to post images, especially those hilarous pics of monkeys
wearing dresses or programming for Linux. But posting images that reside on someone
else's server is considered by many to be bandwidth theft. Our thoughts
on the matter, along with some solutions to the problem, can be found
here. Thanks.
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