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Right!

I think that picture might have ruined porn for me.

Ergo, my life is ruined.

I think the time is right for...

Filthy haiku!

slow day at monkey
house! Why get mad? Just munch on
mouthful of my taint!

Hey there neighbor Nurse!
What's the weirdest thing taken
out of someone's butt?

(pause, she looks upward
briefly) Fes, that would have to
be a black Maglite.

me: how'd the pervert
explain? her: "the usual:
slipped, fell, '...went right up'."

Wheeze. Morning comes forth
like an anonymous fart
on an empty train.

Riders snort, eyes mist,
But in my suit, tie, stern look?
None suspect it's me!

Stripper Safety Tip:
A labia ring will zap
fillings just like foil.

And, trust me on this:
Tugging that ring like grenade
pin will get you kicked.

At the porn tryouts,
doorbell rings; director finds
amputee on mat

with no arms, no legs
just lying there. "What do you
want?" "Try out, of course!"

says Stumpy with grin.
"But how could you possibly..?"
"Rang bell, didn't I?"

Impressive! (Stumpy and Fes both!)

It is good to have the haiku laureate of St. Looey in the house!

Ha ha! Brilhante!

I can't contribute a haiku but, as you can see by the elegant prose of this press release, the right word from me can move mountains. Are you ready for that first album, Fes? Got your Bryan Ferry wardrobe ready? Start boning up on your Portuguese!

Actually, I enjoy my life as a Mafia don in my small country. Ana Moura is a fantastic young Fado singer I went to see (when she only knew three Fados and was the leather-clad vocalist of a goth-punk band) and she so bowled me over I wrote a column about her. Two weeks later she had a contract with Universal; two months later her first album was released and has been a great success. Now she's one of the up and coming fadistas.

*hears the violent screams of "Bring back the leather-clad babe, you bastard!*

P.S. There's a complete video clip of one of her songs online - I thoroughly recommend it. The guitarrist with the moustache is the best in Portugal.

(Click connection speed, then "Menu", then click on the first picture, "Sou do Fado, Sou Fadista", WM. The other 3 clips don't work or you have to register or something).

Tizzie I just downloaded my email and there was one from you dated 19th December. Shows how often I open my email. I would have responded to it before now if I had known it was there. I haven't been answering emails or even talking to anyone any other way in particular for a while now, as I have felt a bit despondent. I'm off to India and parts South and East for a time no less than six months starting in March though, and that should cheer me up somewhat. But it will mean I'm off the web for even longer. So, in summary, hello and goodbye again. That applies to kaf as well, and anyone else that wondered where the hell I was. I owe Miguel an email too I believe, but I have been steadfastly crap. I may return here a bit before March, but there's loads to do because we're quitting our jobs and our flat and everything. I also might try to report in from far-flung places, but let's face it: I was never very good at keeping up here anyway. And recently I've entirely dropped off the face of the web. So there it is. So long and thanks for all the monkeys ...

*bestows ancient blessing on walrus, guaranteeing safe passage and a surprisingly large amount of good luck and cheer*

We'll wait, walrus, don't you worry! :)

I thought you said "good luck and beer" for a minute there. Comes to the same thing mostly by the end of the evening.

Thanks for the send-off. I shall drink a cocktail in your honour when I'm watching the sun set on some beautiful Malaysian island, to the sound of waves gently lapping the shore.

Walrus! I join the renowned "famous portuguese writer" in wishing you all the best. And if it's any comfort, what he says is heard by all the right people!

May the monkey be with you!

Who was that beautiful aquatic mammal?

Best of times to you, walrus. I'm exceedingly jealous. Do be sure to write home, now.

Good luck, take pictures of monkeys, and always remember to respect the monkeyforce (and use it for good, not evil.)

Gizmo's obituary is worth a read. I wonder if they'll have his barstool bronzed?

Try again.

Last night my mom told me that my 28 year old sister is paying somewhere in the vicinity of $100 to go to a John Mayer concert.

I don't really mean to slag John Mayer or his fans, but for $100, you should get a song and dance, a moderate dinner (or at least fancy finger foods) and manual release. That's all I'm saying.

Oh, and a boil on the ass of whoever neglected to perform the courtesy flush in my office this morning. I didn't need that.

Thanks for the send-off. I shall drink a cocktail in your honour when I'm watching the sun set on some beautiful Malaysian island, to the sound of waves gently lapping the shore.
[starts building a sail boat]
Bye walrus...\!!!/

"...for $100, you should get a song and dance, a moderate dinner (or at least fancy finger foods) and manual release..."

Isn't that officially referred to as a "happy finish"?

Maybe it's just a local thing.

I knew there was something I forgot to ask the counter-girl at the Second Cup tonight. The one who was so observant of the goings-on in the escort agency and massage parlour across the street.

The sad part is, this is still a more respectable neighbourhood I live in than the last one.

The Moral Character of the Monkey.

In all the actions of the monkey, there is no appearance of anything good or useful, nor any species of evil that is wanting in them.

Heresy! That's just wrong, wrong, wrong!

We do good, useful stuff all the time. Homework help! Bricks! Hooking up the electric machine to dong_resin!

Oooh tizzie, I want me one of those.

Don't we all!

...or, alternatively, at least I want one of these

JasnTMason, please see here and here. We're many monkey years ahead of you.

Pray for Mojo!

Sorry, um, obligatory Simpsons reference and all. Union rules, y'know.

er, is it just me, or is the monkey in the 2nd picture on the Helping Hands homepage...*really huge?* Like, the size of a small child?

*relurks*

Hey, just recently jpoulos jumped in the ocean for the helping hands monkeys. We're getting to know these little buggers so well that they all call us "Auntie Tizzie" and "Uncle Fes" and all.

Actually, so does everyone else...

After 15 mins of serious flirting, bribery and incessant whining, I *still* could not get the guy behind the postal counter to give me the "Put a Monkey in the Mail!" display.

You see, it's a Chinese monkey, hanging upside down, holding a banana. And I want it sooooooooo bad.

I'll try the other post offices. Surely someone is disgruntled enough somewhere.

That's right folks, up in Canada, disgruntled postal workers go on display-dismantling sprees.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Awww thanks guys! You've made me feel all soft and squishy inside. I'll let you know the address of my travel blawg when I've got one so you can feel jealous by degrees.

Ana,

I think y'all have been to the end of this here Intermanet, monkey-wise, so I'm not surprised.

In this case, I wasn't merely linking to a "cool" monkey-ish site... I really do want one of these little guys.

and, and, and I'll even share! I'm pretty good like that.

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