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There...I can't.....it just can't be....I don't know how......it's like....they taste like....imagine a new tire....no...eating chewy plastic wrap....with icing.....uh....berry flavoured sugar with toasted...no...um.

I just don't know that it can be described, I think you'll have to get a monkey to send you some. I'd offer, but I can guarantee Canada Post will deliver you nothing but crumbled bits of pop tart and squooshed twinkie. They must arrive *pristine* for the real experience.

Miggsy, there are two rules for Twinkies:

1) If you're over 10 years of age, they must only be consumed while inebriated.

2) They must only be consumed frozen.

End. Of. Story.

Sponge cake with creamy filling inside. Neither has much flavor aside from being sweet. (Wikipedia)

And they have a 25-day shelf life.

A Pop-Tart is an iced pastry with a filling of (usually) jam that you heat in a toaster.

I can send you either or both, if you like.

Pop tarts are (a) a hundred times better than twinkies, and (b) better untoasted, straight out of the NASA-issue mylar wrapper.

Twinkie-wise, sponge cake around cream filling is pretty accurate. The cream filling is roughly analogous taste and texture-wise to the cheapest, sweetest white cake icing you've ever tasted, thinned to make it more viscous and smooshable.

What I've always liked best about twinkies are the three filling-injection holes in the bottom of each one. Most machine-made foods go to pains to hide the artificiality of the process (think: TV dinners with "homemade" gravies and fruit cobbler desserts), but not Twinkie! Those holes scream out "This product was made by machines, robots and, probably, aliens."

Twinkies are what one man once described as White Trash Soul Food.

The cake part is very moist, very sweet golden sponge cake. The filling is what's known as "creme," an extrememly sweet substance somewhere between whipped cream and cake icing. It used to contain beef fat up until the 1980's.

They taste good fried at this joint.

It has been decades since I've eaten a Twinkie, which I remember as being one of the nastiest things I ever tasted. Painfully, synthetically sweet with a man-made texture that is unlike any naturally-occuring food. And I think Vidiot is really underestimating their shelf-life - it's my understanding that Twinkies will survive Armageddon and remain bright and cheery looking for mutant survivors to enjoy.

Pop Tarts are pretty bad, too, but I've been known to eat one every now and then (guilty confession). NOT blueberry, dear god, but strawberry or brown sugar. And NOT iced. And NOT toasted!!!

And yes, when I was a little kid, Twinkie was a euphemism for penis - except we nicknamed it "twank."

Mmm, Twinkies. "Creme"-infused shortcake, squishy and sweet and insubstantial. Ideally, it should be eaten in two bites. Delish.

Hostess Twinkies are the creation of James A. Dewar, who scarfed three a day and lived to be eighty-eight. "Twinkies was about the best darn-tootin' idea I ever had," he said. It makes you wonder about his bad ideas. [from "Bigger Secrets"]

Mmmm. Now, where was I? Ah. The Atkins Diet excuse.

How many Americans do low-carb diets vs. how many Americans are sugar- and white-flour-addicted slobs? The ratio can't possibly be compelling enough to affect the market. (And according to Business Week, it isn't: To not innovate is a death sentence, and nostalgia won't carry you through this.)

It's the fault of the company not paying attention to market trends and not updating its antediluvian factories. On one hand, I mourn the potential loss of an icon, but on the other hand, if the absence of Twinkies and Wonderbread from store shelves means one less diabetic little kid with hip dysplasia, then hooray.

[BTW, Tizzie, us chicken hawks use Twinkie in a whole 'nother sense.]

Oh, and Pop Tarts are the only thing on earth that is sweeter than a Twinkie. And they're flammable. The only acceptable form is Strawberry Frosted. Anyone who tells you different is a communist.

My Little Red Book tells me that the masses know that chocolate in the proper flavor for pop tarts. All other flavors are attemtpts by the corrupt oligarchs and their lackeys to impose their bourgesie aesthetic on the proud workers.

Pop Tarts, the only thing sweeter than a twinkie?

You've obviously never eaten Choco-Bliss. I remember back in school, throwing one at the wall of the courtyard and the damn thing stayed stuck to the wall for months.

And Fudge Rounds. Just typing the words makes my teeth twitch.

Pop Tarts are not sweeter than Twinkies! No freakin' way. Yes, they are flammable (and if you catch one on fire they burn for a surprisingly long time) but that's just another good reason to never heat them up.

I can't speak to the chocolate pop tart, but I can warn you - never, never consider the "S'mores" pop tart. Got one out of the vending machine here at work one time, and it was horrific!! The enamel on my teeth quakes in fear at the memory.

Jonmc, one thing I would never do is waste a precious snack cake by throwing it against the wall.

But you're right, I've never had a Choco-Bliss. Is it anything like a Suzy-Q? (My personal favorite Hostess cake. Did you know you can get a charm in its likeness?)

Great Armflapping Christ.

I was young and foolish. I could go back and check if it's still there. Chances are one of my stoned schoolmates scraped it off and snarfed it.

I actually dug the smores pop tart. IIRC, there was PB & J pop tarts as well, which I vaguely remember trying.

dana, thank you for finding my wedding cake. I might have to get married just to sample that.

The Culinary Institute of America just lost their last shred of cribility. Good gawd, that's a nightmare.

credibility, even.

1) You could peel the top layer of 'frosting' off a Chocobliss in one piece.

2) They were best frozen

3) Cinnamon pop tarts, dammit.

4) As cool as #1 was, the same action applied to the pink coconut covered marshmellow covering on a snowball was just plain disturbing. I still think Hostess was buying NASA's insulation foam seconds and slapping it over a subpar cupcake.

Twinkies must be frozen to consume... although I can't say that I've had one in a long time.

PopTarts on the other hand... The Chocolate Chip and Double Chocolate ones are great because they can be breakfast OR Dessert! Also Unfrosted Strawberry is my favorite non-chocolate.

and I hear that the Brown sugar ones are made from the Devil's underwear.

I've never had a frozen twinkie.

This frozen-twinkie thing must be a regional preference.

Yeah, there's an old Cherokee legend about frozen twinkies that I learnt on a field trip to Tahlequah in 4th grade, but it's all very Trail of Tears-y and, ultimately, a bit of a downer.

If it's regional, it stops on the other side of the lake. We're not frozen Twinkie people here in Milwaukee.

When the buffalo were killed off and the Twinkies thawed out, the Indians got very, very hungry.

Oh, and Migs, if you want Twinkies or Pop-Tarts, just shoot me an e-mail and I'll get some sent out to you. (Just let me know what flavor Pop-Tart you want.)

I gotta go for the cinnamon pop-tarts, meself.

They're passable, but Twinkies are nasty.

From one of Chapel Hill's greatest bands:

Baby, Would you eat that there snack cracker in your special outfit for me, please?
owwwWEEEEE!!!!!
Oh ye pharoahs, let us walk
Through this barren desert,
in search of truth
And some pointy boots,
and maybe a few snack crackers.
OWWWW WEEE
Baby, you make me wanna walk like a camel.
OWWWW WEEE
Walk!
Who's in charge here,
where's my Captain's wafers?
Don't go around hungry now
The way you eat that oatmeal pie,
makes me just wanna die.

And re: wedding cake...I fear for that couple's bedsprings.

Little Debbie, Little Debbie
I'm a comin on home, baby!

But to paraphrase Henry Ford, We'll send you any flavor PopTart you want, as long as it's Strawberry Frosted.

...takes down names for next HUAC meeting...

In related news, I had my first ever Quarter Pounder the other night.

"Camel Walk" sample here.

**waves her Che-Guevara-eating-a-brown-sugar-cinnamon-non-frosted-Pop-Tart flag high**

Jon:

Why, dear God, why? In a town with the Burger Joint, Paul's, and other cheeseburgers that come more from the cow than the lab, why?

*purchases copy of Fast Food Nation, sends it to Jon*

On the North side of the lake, we did froze the Twinkies. They are loverly that way.

And pop tarts were the ultimate schoolyard lunchbox jackpot. I don't remember many discussions of one flavor over another, though.

I see jon making that cake when he gets home tonight, wedding be damned.

Because i was hungry and had only 5 bucks and they were nearby and quick. The only reason I had never eaten a QP before was because they always had those nasty big sliced onions on them. But now you can do special orders, so I got it without.

They weren't bad. And I've worked in food service, I know all about how horrible it's all supposed to be. I don't care. I'm going to die anyway.

Also, I learned by accident that the White Castle in our neighborhood has an off-the-menu sandwich called a "surf & turf." It'a double cheeseburger with a fish filet in between. The counterwoman said it was invented in Jersey, which figures somehow. But it was good, too.

Fish and White Castles together at last?!?!? That sounds absolutely positively horrible! That's like eating a peanut butter and tuna sandwich. Some things are just wrong.

dana -- I'll join you for the next frosted strawberry pop-tart meeting. My favorite are the frosted raspberry, but they're new. For all the years before they existed, the frosted strawberry was the only kind I'd eat.

OMG there's RASPBERRY now? I may have to reconsider my stance, aine.

The things you miss out on when you decide to eat healthfully for a change. Next you'll tell me they sell White Castle burgers with fish patties on--

..nevermind.

Raspberry??

That does it. I'm gonna go searching for some tonight.

Ten years from now, they're gonna need a crane and a wrecking ball to get any of us out of our houses.

au contraire, chico. some of us will be eaten by our cats weeks before the authorities even arrive.

And some of our cats will die of cholesterol poisoning.

I agree with the "strawberry is the Bestest" consensus. (I wonder what a salmonberry flavoured poptart would taste like?)

Twinkies are the things you eat cause it *seems* like a good idea, but before the first bite is done, you know it was a very, very bad idea.

I suspect if Miguel were to try one, he'd fall over dead from gastronomic shock.

Miguel could never eat one, because there is simply no cocktail that can accompany a Twinkie, right?

Except for cheap vodka poured into a cherry slurpee.

*Suddenly has visions of Miguel on the beach, in a too-tight undershirt and brightly coloured shorts, twinkie in one hand, malt liquor in the other, yelling at some kids playing close by....*

I think he should try it, just for one day. Possible beer-cap use as well.

I remember the PB&J Pop-Tarts. They put crust on those damn things to give them moisture. It was like a peanut sponge.

Never never never never get the store-brand-chalky-ass-inbred-cousin version of Pop Tarts. That way leads to madness.

Paris Hilton is a pop tart.
And a twinkie, come to think of it.

El Dongito needs to address this question.

Oh, and I haven't had either for 3 decades or so, but I seem to recall eating a twinkie is kinda like biting the dick off Barney the Dinosaur.

Not to say that I've ever had Barney, you understand. I mean, not really.

Come on! I was really drunk that night, OK, and...oh forget it.

It's OK, stav, we understand. After all, he loves you, you love him...

I'm sure you already read this important scientific Twinkie research. The gravitational effect of dropping a Twinkie off a tall building is actually quite minimal!

"Twinkies made him do it."

And Twinkie sushi. I think this beats the wedding cake, seriously.

I think you all missed the most obvious thing that should have been said to Miguel's questions up front - twinkies were one of the first things pretty much specifically designed for the baby-boom Mom to buy in bulk and then stick into the kids' lunchboxes one at a time. They were and are pre-packaged, individually-wrapped, loaded-with-preservatives "snack cakes" designed for and pushed primarily onto the young - which may explain both why they are so sickeningly sweet as to be practically inedible, and why so many of us 'murricans in the post-nuclear family generation (between, I guess, 26 and oh, I don't know, 52 or thereabouts) all seem to have vaguely pleasant memories about them, leading to the same ubiquitous references in popular culture that he noticed.

Plus, there were the great commercials. "Yaaa-HOO! I'm Twinky the Kid!"

Birth, death, marriage--this is all passe on the ol' monkey site. But the death of the Twinkie? Raises the 9622 dead from their slumber.

Two things:

1) I've never eaten a Twinkie.*
2) I've only eaten one Pop Tart.** I found it lacking.

Commence the beatings.

*I have eaten Chocodiles and HoHo's. And the cupcakes. But never a SnoBall.

**It was chocolate. And as one who will never turn my nose up at anything chocolate, I find it disturbing and telling that I remain unmoved by this chocolate experience.

Wow. In looking for an actual example of the "Twinkie [sorry]" the Kid" commercial, I stumbled across an archive of ALL the old "heroes save the day by throwing Hostess snack cakes at the bad guys" shorts that were in all the comic books in the 70's. One of you people that get to hang out at popular websites all day should really give this some more exposure.

Y'know, I've never even seen a Twinkies commercial. Print ads in comics, yeah, but they never *needed* to advertise by the time I was a kid--you just *knew* about them, without them needing to do something so gauche as to announce their existence.

Pop Tarts flammable? Hooo boy, yeah.

And you can keep your Twinkies and Ding-Dongs and such, the One True Snack Cake is Little Debbie's Zebra Cakes. (note: not made from actual zebras.)

Hmmm, the Twinkies are going under, Sara Lee Executives are being found murdered.....I smell a conspiracy in this.

Salmonberry, the man obviously died from an overdose of coffee cake, and this whole thing was rigged as a cover-up. Only here at 9622 does the truth come out!

I can send you either or both, if you like.

I once sent miguel about $40 worth of Beer Nuts and he never got them. Beware of the Portuguese Postal service.

I was always a fan of Suzy-Qs. But I saw them in the store recently--they look like they're about half the size they were when I was a kid.

I used to work across the street from the Wonderbread factory in Natick, Massachusetts. They baked twinkies there too.

It. smelled. awesome.

Seriously--it actually smelled like real food. We would sit out back during our lunch hour and just sniff the air.

It's not that the Suzy-Qs are half the size as when you were a kid. It's that you're twice the size. They look so much smaller when you're not 3 feet tall. :)

I was always a huge fan of Zingers when I was a kid -- especially the chocolate ones. They're made by Interstate, too, so I guess I can kiss those goodbye as well. Foo.

"Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee."

Except in this case.

We lived across from the Keebler cookie factory in Denver, and it always smelled like deliciousness. But it was pretty clear since it looked like a Third Reich structure that the Keebler elves had gone through a pretty serious political metamorphosis and had forsaken the tree for more ominous digs.

We would sit out back during our lunch hour and just sniff the air.

Probably lost a lot of weight and saved a lot of money on that diet.

hehe...my old apartment used to be right around the corner from the Krispy Kreme bakery that serves the New York area.

When riding my bike around the neighborhood, sometimes I was surrounded by donutty goodness. Fortunately, they don't have a retail store there.

The nasty part was when the wind came from off the bay just west of LaGuardia, and the donutty goodness mingled with rank sewage smell.

I like my Twinkies served cold. I’ll miss Hostess’s Ding Dongs.

Oh Living by - Nabisco Factory smelled great, freshly cooked bread & vanilla wafers, mmmmm. Unfortunately the Hunt's tomato plant down the street smelled like a steel mill.

A friend of mine in college made a time capsule that he buried in the bowels of the Fine Arts building while he went on a mission to serve God. Anyway, two years later, he opened the time capsule and pulled out a Twinkie from inside. Although the sponge cake had not fared so well (a bit hard & dry) the creme was exactly the same substance.

Oh, and Raspberry Pop-Tarts have been around for at least 3 or 4 years. I used to have them for breakfast.

I have many fond memories of Ho-Ho's in high school. But enough about my friends! *rimshot*

I hate to be the one to break up "The Great Twinkie Wake", but the real fact is:
TWINKIES ARE NOT GOING AWAY ANYTIME SOON.
Interstate Bakeries has filed for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy, which calls for a court-supervised re-organization, NOT going out of business.
KMart did it a couple years ago, and they're still there (and apparently lacking in any really meaningful re-organization).
If a company files for Chapter 13, THEN they are going out of business and will liquidate all of their assets - including trademarks and 'product lines'.
If Interstate ever goes Chapter 13, the trademark (and not-so-secret recipe) for Twinkies and all its other products will be sold to the highest budder and whoever buys it will go on manufacturing them.
Under Chapter 11, Interstate may "trim the herd" and discontinue their most money-losing products (closing the factories - or sections of factories - making them will be easier to do while under Chapter 11), but Twinkies will absolutely, positively not be one of them.
Now, the occasionally available banana-flavored twinkies (based on the "original recipe"; the 'creme' filling replaced it in the 30s) may disappear, the whole "Dolly Madison" line of semi-redundant cupcake-like products (grandfathered in a merger years ago) may be discontinued, and a couple brands of bread that you never knew were made by the same people as Wonder Bread will probably vanish.
But, Twinkies? Ding Dongs? Ho-Hos? They're still profitable (or would be if they closed a factory or two and didn't make so many).
So don't count out the Twinkie.

Pop-Tarts, by the way, are made by Kellogg's (the Corn Flake and Eggo Frozen Waffle people - they've got breakfast pretty well covered, but they still might buy out Jimmy Dean Sausage), and I HATE the 'outside crust' where the jam (Strawberry, Raspberry, Blueberry are all OK, but try the Apple-Cinnamon, I'll be here all week) or the mysterious Brown-Sugar-Cinnamon filling does not reach, because the crust is so flavorless and dry that it absorbs a mouth full of saliva almost instantaneously. (The chocolate Pop Tarts have a chocolate crust that is slightly more tolerable)

Now, what's with the M&M/Mars "Cookies &" mutant snacks? Isn't a cookie with Milky Way chocolate and caramel just a Twix bar? And they have "Cookies & Twix" too! Is that redundant or is that redundant or is that redundant?

Harrumph.

Did you see what I saw? WITCHY!!!!!

And here I was thinking it was a simple question. This is a whole new branch of knowledge!

Wow!

Thanks for the joie-de-vivre!

In other news the phrase monkey-thievin' bastards was, for once, correctly applied.

:::sings::: "A twinkie, a twinkie, a twinkie's a wonderful toy...."

No, wait, that's not right...but...

"You zap my Zinger and I'll move your nose to another part of your face!"

Pop Tart update: Just bought these at the supermarket today. I'll try 'em later while drinking this (melon ball flavor) and watching the Brady Marathon.

I feel so synthetic.

I feel so synthetic.

1. Gary Numan
2. Twinkies
3. ???????
4. Profit!

I used to work across the street from the Wonderbread factory in Natick, Massachusetts. They baked twinkies there too.

So that Family Guy episode wasn't making stuff up? Who knew?

Strawberry pop tarts with frosting (and, if we were good, sprinkley bits) basically got me through every high school morning. And you eat the bland border bits first before diving into the fruity middle.

Miguel, it makes the cosmos seem like a very small place when someone in Lisbon posts about a blog entry in Hoboken. Doesn't it?

But you are absolutly correct! Monkey-thieving bastards they are, damn their eyes.

I love the phrase damn their eyes. It's a focused hatred, which is far and away the best kind.

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