We all know there are two or three people who hate our guts and never lose an opportunity to get even. Almost always, these slights are sensed (and stored) as if we went out of our way to cause them.
How in the hell do you dissuade and even reconvert someone who's out for revenge for wrong-headed reasons and turn him or her into a friend?
Vengeful persons' self-esteem is actually helped by singling out offenders and condoning their exaggerated sense of contrariness - so that confessing they weren't the target at all just seems to make them feel diminished.
This problem is currently very important with one of my three best friends. How do you make up with someone who needs you to be an enemy and gains consolation from the idea of one day reducing you to tears of regret?
Posted by Miguel at November 18, 2004 08:26 AMThis person sounds like a naturally combative drama queen. I do not court that sort of person to be friends with in the first place. (I know, I know, it's like saying "Buy a Mac" when someone asks a PC question...)
Posted by: notsnot on November 18, 2004 09:15 AMWhat notsnot says is true, there is no Jesus solution here. Some people just need acrimony. Since they'll never think well of you, the way to look at the situation is like this : we hurt people whether we mean to or not, so here's your big opportunity to have control over that part of life by having fun with it and intentionally irritating this twit every chance you get.
Posted by: dong resin on November 18, 2004 09:46 AMFirst off, let me say that having a good, worthy enemy is of great value! They focus and concentrate your mind and energies, keep you from getting complacent, serve as a reality check, function as a target for excess ire and rage - in short, where competition heightens efficiency and excellence and kills off the weak, a strong enemy serves as your personal competition. A good enemy is hard to find, and tough to replace.
Ok, that said. The best way to convert an enemy into a friend is to co-opt them to your cause. Here at Evil Corporation, I've had detractors, sometimes powerful ones, ones that could (and have) hurt me (corporately speaking - physically speaking, they're candy-asses). The best way to co-opt them is to somehow, for anything, get them on your side, and that can often be done byt the simple act of asking their advice on something. When you ask someone's advice, first off they invariably give it (few have the strength of character to say no when asked for they opinion); one given, it need not be followed, but if you give advice you feel a sense of proprietorship regarding the subject. Suddenly, your enemy is on the team, and has an interest in seeing the issue on which they gave advice be successsfully resolved, because otherwise they perceive their advice was useless.
BUt if your enemy is hell bent on revenge, the best way to defang that is to do your best to find out how that revenge will be implemented, and then turn the tables. Example: Say your enemy plans to get revenge on you by, say, alerting a superior to a fuckup. You would go to that superior first (secretly) and admit the fuckup, apologize, and vow to never repeat it. Later, your enemy goes in and alerts the superior - but since that superior has already talked to you about, your enemy looks like a snipey bitch rather than a whistleblower. Snipey bitches are not hugely prized in this world.
Of course, there is always the proactive pre-revenge revenge - take your enemy out, with extreme prejudice, using every nasty trick you can think of, before he or she gets a chance to do it to you. If you do this, the burnination must be complete and utter - NEVER leave an enemy merely wounded and commence to gloating (in fact, never gloat, except privately of course), for they *will* come back to haunt you, they always do.
Posted by: Fes on November 18, 2004 09:57 AMThis scenario requires a complex blend of voodoo and jello-mold crafting.
Posted by: kaf, who has had too much coffee on November 18, 2004 10:40 AMSorry for my brevity, but Fes took all the good words.
Posted by: kaf, who has had too much coffee on November 18, 2004 10:40 AMIt's me! It's me!
I'll try not embarass y'all over there. I'll try to make ya proud, pa.
Posted by: tizzie on November 18, 2004 12:42 PMCongrats, Tizzie! Here's your kool-aid and list of approved political opinions :)
Posted by: Fes on November 18, 2004 12:55 PMI'm so embarrassed to admit that I didn't realize tizzie wasn't a mefi member. I thought she was just...y'know...shy. Welcome to the show, kid!
Posted by: jpoulos on November 18, 2004 03:08 PMFes is a genius,
And I know this sounds ever so dodgy, but he's a genius you can trust.
Unlike me. kiddin'!) :)
Posted by: Miguel on November 18, 2004 03:18 PMMe, shy?
**flashes Lupo**
At least now I won't have to e-mail you and ask you to post vicariously!
And Miguel, I am sorry about all the thread derailments! But I have no enemies*, and therefore no advice.
*this does not mean that i've never pissed anyone off. It only means I'm not consequential enough for them to care very long.
Posted by: tizzie on November 18, 2004 03:36 PMI've found my list of enemies getting smaller by my apathy towards them. You'd be amazed how much not giving a shit helps.
Ha! John, I just said almost the exact same thing.
Except, of course, I did know she hadn't been a mefite before (he said, with just a slight bit of condescension and even a vague hint of smug superiority in his voice, not really enough to remark upon, but still, there it was).
Oh, and condeesenshun is a haard wurd too spel without firing up another application that has a spell checker.
Posted by: yhbc on November 18, 2004 11:12 PMI know it's been awhile, but I'm pretty sure eyeballkid still hates all of us.
Posted by: salmonberry on November 19, 2004 07:58 PMShit, machaus, I grew up in Tulsa and used to BikerFox all the time riding around town, on the trails, etc. A few friends and I saw him out at a park trail once and chatted with him for a few minutes. He's as crazy in person as he seems on the website, but a pretty genuine guy. I don't have time to peruse his website too much, but I could've sworn I heard he got hit by a car a few years back. I think that cut down a bit on his street riding. You knew it was a good day though when you saw him riding around on your way back from high school.
Posted by: ufez on November 19, 2004 08:32 PMused to *see* bikerfox....
see folks, this is what happens when you go running four miles instead of hitting happy hour on Friday after work. be forewarned.
Posted by: ufez on November 19, 2004 08:32 PMIf anyone happened to snap a picture while tizzie was flashing, I will pay top dollar for it.
Posted by: Crash on November 19, 2004 08:35 PMI pay top dollar for Crash to say all those sweet things about me.
It's worth every penny!
Posted by: tizzie on November 20, 2004 08:46 PMAnd about this, I can only beg you please to never, never tell me what that white stuff is on his shorts.
*puts hands over ears*
*sings LALALALA really loud*
A note about posting images:
We encourage users to post images, especially those hilarous pics of monkeys
wearing dresses or programming for Linux. But posting images that reside on someone
else's server is considered by many to be bandwidth theft. Our thoughts
on the matter, along with some solutions to the problem, can be found
here. Thanks.
In an effort to help eliminate spam (and to preserve the sanity of the 9622 Volunteer Simian Spam-Cop Brigade) all threads older than 30 days will now be closed to comments.