9622.net

Yes. Hang in there, Chef!

Am I the first person to bring up the unfortunate name of the 80's band Katrina and the Waves?

No? Oh, good.

Keep the powder dry, Chef.

Bah! I mock this pussy storm! Bring it! Bring it, I say!

Seriously, I'm shitting my pants.

Dammit, Crash!

My brother just called and told me that the Red Cross was evacuating New Orleans. I was like, "So?"

He said, "No, they're not evacuating residents...the Red Cross has pulled all of their people out of New Orleans. They're not fucking around. This may be the one."

The one. Fucking goosebumps as I'm typing this.

Ever hear of the Lost City of Atlantis?

I'm getting fucking drubk.

Okay, that's bad. No more Katrina jokes. I hope you - hell, I hope everyone there - makes it through okay.

Okay, chef, but don't take off the life vest, whatever you do.

As long as I have ice cuves i'm fucking fine.

cubes. ice cubes in my fucking dribk.

Still up. Still drinking. Getting more paranoid.

Seriously considering calling an ex-girlfriend to make sure she got out of New Orleans.

I'm making myself nuts and this fuck on the weather channell is scaring the shit out of me. he keeps lunging at the screen saying "it's a four! It's a four!"

Plus, I think the hurricane shot Suge Knight.

Shit, I knew my aim was off.

Oh, and: Courage!

Hang in there, Chef.

The Party's Over

Inflate the swimmies, ColdChef! Man the lifeboats, friend.

You're in our thoughts, CC. Hang in there.

Heh, piece of cake! ColdChef is having a cocktail and laughing at this very moment.

(In our thoughts? Hell, I'm so scared for him I could puke.)

Out OUT, damn ColdChef!

Seriously, haul ass dude. There are fights you stand to and fights you think about first, but this is a fight you run from.

Jeebus, chef. I've been thinking of you all day. Man the pontoons well, laddy, and keep the liquor flowing. Mind the tot. Love to the wife.

Seriously, keep your head up.

G.J., Seriously, if you're life falls out from under you, I can find accomodations for you the Missus and Kiddo. Dallas isn't all that far, considering.

May you be strong and strongly buzzed!

I am reminded of a passage in the Bible, the so-called First Covenant. Here's a clip:

"Behold, I establish my covenant with you and your descendants after you, and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the cattle, and every beast of the earth with you, as many as came out of the ark. I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of a flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth."

So, from a Noachian standpoint, ya'll are good,

But just in case, be safe and wear your wellies.

I'm still alive, but it's crazy scary here. MOre when I can.

What city are you in CC? I thought you lived in Banta Rouge?
I'd say stay dry, yet that means something else in your part of the country.
I hope your safe & with electric power.

ColdChef's just north of Baton Rouge. But it's a big storm.

More complete updates from the 'Chef via e-mail here and here, courtesy of the Commish.

And another.

Oh Jesus. I hope you're okay, CC.

*crosses fingers*

Hang in there, Chef.

And here.

[inappropriate comment deleted -- jp]

Glad to hear you're still ok, Chef. I've got a couple friends also in Baton Rouge and it's reassuring to get the updates from you all.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for everyone in New Orleans and Gulfport. Sounds terrifying down there. Wish there was something I could do.

(Aside from Red Cross donations, of course.)

I LIVE!

Looks like we are out of the hellmouth now. I just went for a drive around town.

It's heartwrenching. I counted at least thirty trees down all over town. The powerlines are a mess. Entergy thinks it will be at least two to three WEEKS before we have minimum power restored.

However, my sister called me from MY front yard. (about thirty miles from here) and despite the loss of some of my favorite plants and a few tree limbs, my house is okay.

Thanks for all the well wishes. Now begins recovery. I'm going out with a crew to chainsaw up the felled trees. At least the ones blocking the road. We're going to work until dark and then start back in the morning.

Yay! Now put that city back together! I wanna see it again!

I'm fucking exhausted.

But I'll start on the titty bars first.

I want to see it a first time. :)

Glad to hear you & yours are ok, Chef.

I have once again laughed in the face of peril, if you count lying under a table and weeping like a pussy as bravery. I know I do.

Just heard from ColdChef. He's okay and says "we are all fine here."

on preview, I'll let ColdChef tell it...

Hooray! Oh, this has been a long day worrying. I'm so glad you - and that baby! - are ok.

Crossing your fingers *works*. YES!

Glad to hear you're OK, CC.

It'll take a bigger storm than that to get GJ. See...earthquakes don't sound so bad now, right?

Boston, Massachusetts USA:

Earthquakes? Nope.
Wildfires? Nope.
Mudslides? Nope.
Torandos? Nope.
Hurricanes? *Maybe* we get leftovers from a
tropical storm now and then.
Blizzards? Aw shit, forgot about those.

And the occasional molasses flood. Can't forget about those.

Great Molasses Flood Remembered

Yeah, but you have to be on your guard against argyle out there. That argyle's crafty, I tells ye.

Hello, friends. Checking in from the Wasteland.

It is such a bright, beautiful day outside today. All you can hear are chainsaws and generators outside. Otherwise, the town is sickly silent.

I've been working all morning on clearing my grandparents' yard of debris. It's hot, it's sweaty, and my grandmother, god bless her, made me soup for lunch. She meant well, I guess.

Other tidbits:
We don't have power, we don't have phones, mostly. What we do have, though, is vice. One of my best friends was called into work today at a riverboat casino in Baton Rouge. The boat is now open to anyone who wants to gamble, since they were lucky enough to survive, I guess.

I've seen a little television today, but I can't really take it. I'm doing little tasks so I can avoid the big picture. Because if I stop to think about it...

Anyway, for those of you who pray, or have an otherworldly connection, keep my family in your thoughts. All of my family is here and fine, but my wife's family is missing.

They're from the Bay St. Louis/Waveland, Mississippi area. They evacuated to my sister-in-law's house, about 25 miles inland. They are probably safe from the flooding, but the winds were pretty severe there.

We haven't heard from them since noon yesterday, when the eye was passing over them. All cellphones and landlines are down in Southern Mississippi. My wife is a fucking mess. Her entire family was together in one home. And we have no idea...

It seems fairly certain that her mother, her father, her grandfather, her other sister, and her brother have all lost their homes to flooding. Oh, and if you've ever seen my flickr photos, the camp we often go to in Bay St. Louis is completely gone. We were there for July 4th.

I'll keep checking in because when I stop what I'm doing to do this, I just feel like I'm still doing something, when all I'm really doing is avoiding what I should be doing. Does that make sense?

Whatever. My love goes out to all of you. Everytime I check my email, I've got a ton of messages from MetaFilter people, just to check on us, and that feels good.

We haven't heard from them since noon yesterday, when the eye was passing over them. All cellphones and landlines are down in Southern Mississippi. My wife is a fucking mess. Her entire family was together in one home. And we have no idea...
Uggggggggg...After reading the news today and hearing from CC. I keep thinking for every tale read, there are 1000s of more cries for help being called out for at the very same momment. Though how many are even being heard?

Truly heartbreaking knowing a large number of human lives are suffering like this.
[tcs praying for CCwife's family's safety with fingers & toes crossed]

Wow, CC, that's horrible. I don't know what to say, except I'm hoping with every fiber of my being that your wife's family is fine.

(Glad to hear that CC is well, holding out hope for the rest of the family, & officially wishing all y'all dry out faster than Liza Minelli on a weekender in Hazelden...)

Yikes, Chef. Your in-laws are in my thoughts.

Keep working, and stay strong as long as you can.

I'm holding out hope for the best for the in-laws, CC. Meantime, you all stay strong.

I'm praying for all y'all, Chef. Keep doing what you're doing.

Count me in for prayers also, Chef. Hang in there.

Oh, ColdChef, that's terrible news. I remember the camp photos - and all the wonderful people. They simply must be there somewhere. It's probably a communication issue. All my best thoughts to you and yours.

This is so sweet that it made me cry.

GOOD NEWS (For a change)

My wife's family is alive and well and eating grits in my living room right now.

They managed to get out of Mississippi this morning and they came straight here. Their story of survival is amazing, and it involves floodwaters, kicking a hole in the roof of their home and fighting off snakes, eels, and even (I swear to GOD this is true) a shark with an aluminum baseball bat.

I'll give you all the details when I have the time to relax. I now have to figure out how I'm going to manage living with 20 people in a three bedroom house with a bath and a half. All of their homes (except for one couple) are either gone or uninhabitable, so they will be with us for the next few months.

I have no idea how this is going to work.

Thought I'd check in one last time before heading off to bed. Thanks for the update, Chef and I'm SOOOOOO glad everyone's ok. I'll sleep a lot better tonight knowing that.

If there's anything I can do to help you all out, let me know. (If I had the cash to send you a truckload of supplies, I would do it in a heartbeat.)

Excellent news indeed. Seriously -- let us know what we can do.

I don't know about y'all, but in Kentucky, we'd park us a couple Chevys in the yard and let 'em sleep there, and use the washer on the porch.

Seriously - good news, ColdChef. Can't wait to hear the shark story.

Thank goodness, CC. I'm so happy to hear everyone's okay. And I hope you have enough grits to hold out.

That is great news, GJ. The Kafka family is at your service. Also, how does a shark hold an aluminum baseball bat?

Woah Coldy, I just read about this over on MF and just wanted to let you know your in my thoughts. If you need anything at all, please email me. I have an ex-gf who lived two blocks off the lake and nobody has heard from her either.

It's good to know you're plugging along and humorous as ever.

In the meantime, can I tell everyone about the spamshark I fought in the 9622 waters this morning?

I tried to clobber that beast last night, dana, and it got the best of me.

I was watching the spam shark's frenzied attack last night, but was powerless to do anything about it. Sorry, guys. Should have sent up a flag or something.

a fucking *shark*??? Jesus H. Baldheaded Christ.

Glad to hear you and yours are ok, Cheffie. Keep in mind that this shit isn't over by a long stretch - heads down and thumbs up, dude. I've just now gotten a chance to news into this thing, and I am just absolutely speechless. I have to seriously wonder if there will be a New Orleans after this. It looks like fucking Escape From New York only wetter from the chopper shots. And the people on the ground are apparently shooting back, only with bullets instead of digital vid. Nightmares, man.

Anyway, very very glad you're ok. Stay safe.

good to hear you're good, chef.

just buy a few cases of vodka and think of your visitors as ONE HUGE PARTY THAT NEVER ENDS

i'll be there in two weeks -- noone pass out until i show up, ok?

Dana, tiz, I spent two hours going thread to thread deleting dating site crap last night too.

They hit every thread in the entire place. I've started closing the older threads to comments. If that's a problem, well, too bad. I'm sick of this stuff.

You guys need help in the spam shark fight? If so, let me know. I'm online entirely too much for my own good and I'm really good at beating up comment spam.

Great news to hear that everyone is OK, Chef. I think once everybody catches their breath, so to speak, you should get started writing up the screenplay of your family's adventures. Can't you just see Tom Cruise whacking that shark? (Except in that case we'd be rooting for the shark, of course.)

good to see you're ok GJ.

When it's Tom Cruise v. a shark, everybody wins.

I NEED HELP

I heard from Rachel, whose mother is the person ColdChef refers to. She's fine and in good spirits, and in the morning a police-officer friend will get her out and take her to the West Bank of New Orleans, where a friend of Rachel's will pick her up and get her out of there.

Wow. That's very good news. What an amazing thread over at MeTa. It momentarily lifted my hatred of humankind.

Chef, you're a good man. We need more like you.

An update:

One crisis down, many more to go.

I went north to Jackson, MS today and picked up my brother in law. He was the one who broke his ankle after fighting off snakes and whatnot. (He told me that the sharks were an exaggeration, but they did see eels swim past them). It was an unbelievable fiasco, but he's now safe at my home and I made him an appointment to see an orthapedic surgeon on Tuesday.

Next crisis on my list:
Rescuing my friend Rachel's mom from New Orleans.

She's still holed up in her apartment, hobbling around on one leg with no food and very little water.

I'm waiting on the call from the police officer who will bring her to the police station in Westwego on the West Bank of New Orleans. He said that if he can get her there, he needs me to come there and pick her up.

Easier said than done.

I just spoke to the state police and they are "fairly certain" that I can get as far as the Westwego police station, but they cautioned that it is not entirely safe to make that trip and there may be problems with people once I'm there. So, I've called a friend of a friend who is from the Westbank (and he's a pretty big dude, too) to ride shotgun with me, both figuratively and literally.

We'll probably leave early tomorrow morning.

This is just fucking crazy.

Jeezus, Chef. I'm so angry that you have to go through this. Fuck. Fuck.

Get her out of there and to safety, and avoid peril where you can. I don't want to lose you too.

America is safer, my ass.

Holy crap, Chef. Be careful. You are a good man - something in short supply these days.

There's not enough bourbon in the world to make this life make sense.

A bit of good news.

That's more than a bit. Wonderful accomplishment, CC. And as for the house with 20 people in it? Honey, if YOU need to evacuate, I'll come get you.

When ColdChef's superheroin' days are over, I certainly would like to buy him a drink, you know, in one of those really safe places where dangerous things like this never happen. (Um, Ontario is all I can come up with at the moment.)

Bitch, I'm gonna stay drunk once this is over.

Rachel's mom is on a plane. Bring on the next crisis!

ColdChef, I'm pregnant.

*passes out*

Cold Chef, I have crabs.

Delicious! I'll get some corn and potatoes, and...oh. Oh, dear.

I just got a phone call from djeejaysharlay in badd'nroojwheezyanna.

Nothing - and I mean, nothing - can adequately prepare you for hearing the ColdChef accent for the first time.

He sounds happy; he got a call to go on a "body run", so we had to cut our conversation short. Otherwise, he's still trying to deal with having twenty (or more - it sounds like a moving target) people in his house, and the massive disruption in the Baton Rouge area.

Sorry I can't pass on any more details or insights; I really just wanted to brag that now I've spoken to ColdChef, and you haven't.

nyaaah.

yhbc sounds like a bitch on the phone. All high and nasally, and he giggles like a schoolgirl. Then, he tried to give me phonesex. I may be scarred for life.

Still, it's nice to talk to someone that doesn't end a conversation, "So, I can just move in with y'all, right? Come on, I won't take up much room. You'll hardly know I'm there."

I spoke to him days ago, Commish. You are so, like, not the only one.

I'm the one in the footie pajamas in the third bedroom on the left.

Well I for one am NOT going to go live with ColdChef. I'll fight off a legion of sharks first.

I've also called ColdChef, but it was a crank call.

His refrigerator is still running, by the way. Hee hee hee!

I've never gotten to speak to the little bayou nudnik, and I've even offered to get him a sandwich.

*sniff*

I'd like to point out that I have talked to GJ in the flesh. Also, in a negligee.

I imagine jonmc sounding like Zale from M*A*S*Hu

Well, if you really wanna know...

One of the best things I have read this week: an open letter to
America from the New Orleans Times/Picayune's Chris Rose.
gj
PS, it even made me cry a little bit.

Dear America,

I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana.

We have arrived on your doorstep on short notice and we apologize for
that, but we never were much for waiting around for invitations. We're
not much on formalities like that.

And we might be staying around your town for a while, enrolling in
your schools and looking for jobs, so we wanted to tell you a few
things about us. We know you didn't ask for this and neither did we,
so we're just going to have to make the best of it.

First of all, we thank you. For your money, your water, your food,
your prayers, your boats and buses and the men and women of your
National Guards, fire departments, hospitals and everyone else who has
come to our rescue.

We're a fiercely proud and independent people, and we don't cotton
much to outside interference, but we're not ashamed to accept help
when we need it. And right now, we need it.

Just don't get carried away. For instance, once we get around to
fishing again, don't try to tell us what kind of lures work best in
your waters.

We're not going to listen. We're stubborn that way.

You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange
music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of
your yard.

We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too
much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're
suspicious of others who don't.

But we'll try not to judge you while we're in your town.

Everybody loves their home, we know that. But we love South Louisiana
with a ferocity that borders on the pathological. Sometimes we bury
our dead in LSU sweatshirts.

Often we don't make sense. You may wonder why, for instance - if we
could only carry one small bag of belongings with us on our journey to
your state - why in God's name did we bring a pair of shrimp boots?

We can't really explain that. It is what it is.

You've probably heard that many of us stayed behind. As bad as it is,
many of us cannot fathom a life outside of our border, out in that
place we call Elsewhere.

The only way you could understand that is if you have been there, and
so many of you have. So you realize that when you strip away all the
craziness and bars and parades and music and architecture and all that
hooey, really, the best thing about where we come from is us.

We are what made this place a national treasure. We're good people.
And don't be afraid to ask us how to pronounce our names. It happens
all the time.

When you meet us now and you look into our eyes, you will see the
saddest story ever told. Our hearts are broken into a thousand pieces.

But don't pity us. We're gonna make it. We're resilient. After all,
we've been rooting for the Saints for 35 years. That's got to count
for something.

OK, maybe something else you should know is that we make jokes at
inappropriate times.

But what the hell.

And one more thing: In our part of the country, we're used to having
visitors. It's our way of life.

So when all this is over and we move back home, we will repay to you
the hospitality and generosity of spirit you offer to us in this
season of our despair.

That is our promise. That is our faith.

Chris Rose for The Times-Picayune

Please pass this around to all Louisiana natives, wherever they may be.

But - I heard that it was "working out very well for them" in the Astrodome. No?

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