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Moreover, he HAS NO PANTS ON!

That's just expoitation, if you ask me.

Is there any way we can get him to dance?

While smoking a cigar?

While wearing a tuxedo, if possible?

And a fez?

Don't exploit the baby sloths!
Thanks, Kaf.

That photo is so cute I just threw up in my mouth.

Monkeys are passé. It's all about the alpacas now.

Sacrilege! This can't be the alpacahouse!

errr....can't it?

(oh, and can I just say how much I love my new smartphone? I'm posting this from atop my Atlanta hotel-room bed.)

I am posting from inside of a hippopotamus's colon.

I'm posting this from inside ColdChef's colon.

Can't say I'm too keen on MetaChat or memes in general, but I'm digging this one.

Replies from:

jonmc

ybhc

ColdChef

and myself

I fully expect all the rest of you to own up and request further info where applicable.

It's a LOT harder to find pictures of alpacas roller skating, flipping off the camera, dressed as a door-to-door salesman circa 1950, playing a guitar, or any of the other monkey-shot standbys.

That's because the alpacas got unionized a long time ago.

Hmph. I registered over at MeCha and everything, but my comment was blocked. So here it is:

One Mardi Gras, on a bet, I ate nothing but KFC hot wings for three days and drank nothing but gin. I ate 98 wings. My goal was 100, but I gave away my last two to a girl who flashed me, but then turned out to be 14.

ColdChef, you are my idol.

And I'm not really a MeChatter either (until about thirty seconds ago), but:

1. I've been to about thirty-five states and I think twenty-eight countries;

2. I once was on a plane with Biff Henderson, in an elevator with former Secretary of Energy (and current NM governor) Bill Richardson, an airport shuttle bus with Tommy LaSorda, a bar with Chelsea Clinton (and once met her father on a sidewalk), a restaurant with Kathleen Battle, and at the adjacent urinal to Harvey Keitel.

3. I was on Jeopardy! in 2001.

4. I despise Brussels sprouts. Even when cooked with Julia Child's recipe, they're icky. So I've given up on them.

5. I was born in West Virginia. I know the difference between a hillbilly and a redneck.

6. I've interviewed They Might Be Giants, as well as many far crappier bands.

7. Things I wanted to be when I was a kid: a fireman, an NFL player, a dermatologist, an oilman.

8. I am none of those things now.

9. I nearly died in a boating accident ten years ago.

10. I can be a grammar and usage Nazi, but still get mixed up sometimes on "lay"/"lie".

10. I am a cyborg, but not that kind of cyborg.

Are you a good cyborg, or a bad cyborg?

/glenda

OK, a couple of questions for yhbc:

1. Which commercials?
2. I thought you weren't supposed to tell people you're a freemason. When did they change that rule (or am I mistaken)?

The things you don't know about me are the things you don't wanna know about me, and they number in the hundreds.

That said, you are all way more interesting than I am.

Yeah, I'm kinda jealous that I've never carried a corpse (unless you count pall-bearing) or nearly died while boating.

*goes out and boats recklessly*

1. Evans Furniture. Two generations of Oklahomans (including ufez) can say "Hi! I'm Larry Evans!" just like my father.

2. No, you could always tell. You could also always wear rings, pins, t-shirts or whatever with the square and compasses; it's just that at some points in history it wasn't always wise to do so. There was an actual Anti-Mason political party in the U.S. for a while, and many Catholics still believe that they are prohibited from becoming a Mason (they're not, nor is any religion). What was a rule for a long while, though, was that you could not ask anyone if they wished to join - i.e., there was no soliciting of members, even if the prospective members were in your own family. The idea was that one had to ask of their own free will to become a Mason. Grand Lodge has recently "clarified" that rule, though, no doubt due to the declining membership in the Masons and all other fraternal organizations lately.

I didn't give as much thought to mine as some people obviously did (and I haven't done as many interesting as many people), but I thought those two at least were interesting enough to mention.

I almost became a mason, but I couldn't pull off the secret handshake without giggling.

#3 on my list has to wait until the statute of limitations expires.

And really, most of mine have to do with humping/being humped/watching humping/photographing, sketching, or oil painting of humping.

So, pretty much, humping.

Oh, also: singing about humping.

Odd. I never knew Kaf was a whale.

I thought he was a furniture mover.

The thought of kafkaesque singing about moving furniture just made me giggle while eating brown rice.

Never do that.

What does this mean? I need help.

Better than this one, to be sure.

I have a tentative appointment to get my stones zapped on wednesday, although I may die of red tape poisoning before then.

Lithotripsy?

I'll pay you a dollar for your kidney stones if they let you keep them.

Why do I suspect a crouton-related practical joke is in the offing?

I was at a wake tonight, and I made the mistake of asking a hyperactive 6 year old boy to explain Pokeman to me.

By the time he was done--strike that--by the time I BEGGED HIM TO STOP, he had the same look on his face I once had when my father asked me if Chewbacca was a good guy or a bad guy.

Ow. What's that pain in my lower back?

Oh, kidney stones.

Chefstah, lithotripsy is a procedure where they use electric shock to break up the stones inside the body, so unless you wanna crawl inside me and do some exploring, you're outta luck.

Maybe I do.

I feel like I just witnessed a very private moment.

I hope you like to really feel the bass...

Tomorrow I have to do one of those "present the giant fake check" photo-ops.

Does this mean my life has become a cartoon?

um...bon voyage?

Tomorrow I have to do one of those "present the giant fake check" photo-ops.

Does this mean my life has become a cartoon?

Or a golf tournament. Just make sure to bring two forms of giant ID.

Between the whole living-near-NO thing, the messing-with-dead-bodies thing and the buying-people's-kidney-stones thing, I'm pretty sure that ColdChef is a voodoo priest.

You know what? That's just offensive and rude. Not everyone in Louisiana practices black magic and worships the dark arts.

Frankly, I'm amazed that you would even say such a borderline racist comment. I'm serious, jpoulos, that was uncalled for.

*sticks tiny pins into Michael Brown FEMA doll*

How dare you, sir!

Oh, and on a completely different topic, if any of you have any chicken bones or...I don't know...locks of your hair that you're not using, feel free to mail them to me.

We're...uh...using them to build levees.

Y'know, ColdChef told me the same thing when he asked for my used tampons.

Now I'm beginning to wonder.

In my defense, her tampons are GIGANTIC.

Hell, I figured he wanted the stones (or the tampoons) to make jewelery.

tampoons??! Are those tampons that are thrown like a harpoon? Call me crazy, but I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

It's all a matter of aim.

Arrr, me gold tampoons!

Hey! Great band name:
"Rusty Coins and the Golden Tampoons"

CC has good aim, but believe me, he needed some coaching the first time. I was all like, "C'mon, Cheffy, throw the pencil through the frickin' hula hoop already."

9622.net: Throw the pencil through the frickin' hula hoop already.

Ladies! Be the first on your block to try Ted Nugent's new revitalizing PMS drink!

Wham-Bang-Sweet-Tampoon-Tang (from concentrate).

Order now and get a free Tampoon O'Shanter.

Jesus. That was a long way to go.

Yes, it was a long walk for nickel. But at least it was a shiny nickel.

In his undergrad years, kaf was a contributing editor of the Harvard Tampoon.

Wait...that means that the Zappa song could finally rhyme:

Well the toilet went crazy yesterday afternoon
The plumber he said "Never flush a tampoon!"

I was wondering how long it would take for one of youse to figure that reference out.

Test came back today to verify that what I passed a week ago was indeed a stone and not grout or a chip from the toilet bowl. It's primarily calcium, which I seem to produce a lot of. I don't know why.

*grazes, moos*

Too bad we don't have a Things that We Peed Out category.

Things that I peed out:
*Gatorade
*Flood water
*Playground sand
*A toothpick
*Molten lava

*family of ducklings
*urine
*golden kazoo
*two quarts of Old Crow

*my keys

*ColdChef's keys

*piano keys - the ivories

Hence the phrase "tinkling the ivories".

*forest fire

I love you all.

And I'm not even drubk.

Yet.

*Swings tampoon lovingly around his head for thewonderchicken.*

*falls into trance state*

*Swings tampoon lovingly around his head for thewonderchicken.*

Is THAT what the string is for?!?!

Who thought it would be a good idea for Donald Sutherland to be the voice of an orange juice company? For some reason, it makes me equate breakfast with political assassinations.

Having Sutherland hawking OJ makes sense to me. The political assassination segment of the population is greatly under represented on Madison Avenue. They may kill, but they also spend like there's no tomorrow. I heard Christopher Walken is going to be doing Huggies commercials soon.

"Who thought it would be a good idea for Donald Sutherland to be the voice of an orange juice company? For some reason, it makes me equate breakfast with political assassinations."

Not me, I think of POD PEOPLE!

*points, hisses*

Beacuse I'm feeling generous:

Best. Parody. Song. Ever.

I added this to my Amazon wishlist. Hey, free shipping! 700 pounds!

The Penguin Classics list is organic.

Add a little soy sauce, and it's a complete meal!

Jeez. Buying the entire Penguin library seems a bit like deciding you're goingget a tattoo and then going out and having an entire body suit done.

But I'd like to order it and have it sent to my office.

When I worked pre-store opening for a major bookseller I won't name, we had a special penguin classics section. When it was done it was this solid wall of black spines, sort of a literary version of the 2001 monolith.

I sent this link out to all my friends and family last Christmas. I had no takers :-(

OMFG!!!! They're finally going to release Naked!!!!!!

(A dvd of Naked as been a minor obsession of mine for years.)

Starring Knox Harrington, just a friend of Maudie's. A friend with a cleft asshole.

Wow, how about that! I've been dying to see that as well.

::looks at David Thewlis' IMDB profile::

Why on earth are they making a sequel to Basic Instinct???

PS I just saw Anderson Cooper on the subway platform. He's dreamy.

Soon to be spotted in Page Six: ANDERSON COOPER TAKES DOWNTOWN TRAIN?

ANDERSON COOPER TAKES DOWNTOWN TRAIN?

He's with all those Brooklyn girls, who try so hard to break out their little worlds....

*cough*gay*cough*

I've been drinking. Man, drinking is nice.

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