In anticipation of the upcoming monkey mix CD swap, of which I am disdainfully not a part, I wonder what my fellow 9622ers won't be subjected to in the following days. You whipped up your Sigur Ros and compiled your Yo La Tengo, but did you think once about adding that Kriss Kross tune that gets you every time? Too ashamed to add that Dixie Chicks ditty?
Dare to share the most embarrassing CD in your collection? Make it the one you'd never typically claim. The one that reminds you just how far you've come. It can't be the Tom T. Hall's Greatest Hits CD your father bought you, you gotta have chosen and bought it for yourself.
Here, I'll go first:
Who is the one before us whom puts the thunder in thunderslut, having eaten quietly family dinners with Johnny Cash as a youngn' not once but twice, causally chats with David Lynch as if he were a mortal, fearlessly bloggs about her menstrual cycle years before it was popular to do so, is described by employers as "cuddly like a rattlesnake", and makes the whole pink jawa thing look effortlessly sexy ?
Her name ain't baby. It's Brittney, and it's her birthday.
This makes me a very happy monkey. Quisp is back, as are my beloved Sister. All we need is for the Woody Woodpecker where the dog in the sattelite says, "Alligator, Go Home!!" to be made into a major motion picture, and we will have acheived Retro Nirvana.
Next weekend our good friend ColdChef is due to wed his intended. For a man in such a dire predicament it is customary to throw a party in his honor, get him good and drubk, and expose him one last time to those things that will soon be forbidden (or at least seriously frowned upon). With any luck wild oats will be sewn, incriminating pictures will be taken, and any criminal charges will eventually be dismissed.
Since we can’t travel to Baton Rouge, ‘Chef’s 9622.net bachelor party will have to be of the virtual variety. Easily offended people should probably not participate (or, better yet, should try not to be so easily offended). Oh, and don’t forget the first rule of any good bachelor party: What happens here stays just between us girls. (And those freaks who have “the internet”).
So without further ado let’s all make like Adrian Zmed and see to it that ‘Chef’s last days of bachelorhood will be something to remember. Grab a cocktail and let’s get it on!
Stolen from the Obscurestore:
Things overheard at the STD clinic
The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.
"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."
"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."
"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."
"My last period looked like meat."
"My balls feel soft and mushy."
"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."
"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"
"I got the dripper."
"I have food chunks in my urine."
"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."
"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."
"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."
"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."
"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."
"Can't you put the swab in further?"
"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."
"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."
"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."
"The seam in my circumcision split open."
"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."
"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."
"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."
"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."
"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"
"My pee smells like ham."
Somebody sent me this today, and it's been driving me crazy. Does anyone know who did this song?
He's a rapper from Russia.
Oh, and he likes boxing and skateboarding from what I gather.
For those of you on my swap list, be grateful he doesn't have any current releases.
Ok, which one of you guys went to the World Series? How's the West Coast's version of the Subway series going, anyway?
Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!
More *ahem* jokes like this, and much, much more, including monkey pictures and video and fun monkey links are available at Monkeymatters.com.
Knock yourselves out.
From our rods to our cones, let's all wish the one, the only, EyeballKid a happy birthday.
I can't believe we haven't had an organ grinder post yet. To get more in the mood, load up this tune while you read.
The organ grinder and his monkey is such an iconic figure, but I never really appreciated that it really wasn't that great a life. It was apparently no picnic for the monkeys, either. Of course, nowadays you can just go out and hire an organ grinder (or two). Or, you could buy your own monkey organ. It's Windows 95 compatible! Better yet, just build one! (Don't lose any of the parts, though!)
So, silverback jonmc wants more posts. I say we deliver. Good Monday morning, everyone, it's time to
Spank the Monkey!
Oh, and thundersluts - the entire collection would make an exquisite bachelorette party gift!
Um, Somebody's gotta say it? Where is everybody?? We're dying of loneliness and boredom out here in webland.
Come in, Monkeybtrethren, come in....
From the National Geographic, November issue.
The caption to this shot (at least on the website) is:
Bachelor geladas huddle chest to chest to conserve heat in the windy December dawn. The monkey at right barks a warning as a family male—one with his own group of females and their offspring—approaches to show who's boss. Often the single guys ask for trouble by eyeing nearby females, "kind of like rough street kids," says biologist and gelada expert Chadden Hunter. "They're old enough to know what they want but not big enough to take it."
Now that sounds like 9622.net!
There's also a longish, but good, flash presentation about the geladas and their female-dominated society here. Yep, the guys hang out together and think they're too cool for drool, but it's really the wimmen that rule the roost. Hmm, now it really does sound like 9622.net.
Today is my 2 year anniversary of moving to the Big Apple.
I command you to rejoice with me!
We're back up, again. In a nutshell, here's what happened:
As you may know, 9622.net and blogfucker.com are loosely related. They're on the same server and they share some of the same MovableType install. When I upgraded everything on the 9622 side, I neglected to do so on the blogfucker side. Last night, I made an entry to blogfucker, and everything over here went BOOM.
It turned out to be a small problem with permissions. I still don't understand exactly how it happened. But it's fixed now, at least for the moment. I still have to upgrade the blogfucker side of things, and I can't guarantee that won't affect things over here. If you come back to find the site is down, or if you find you can't add entries or comments, that's what happened. I'll let everyone know when we're out of the woods on this.
In the meantime, please carry on doing what you're doing. Flinging stuff, impersonating deities or fictional characters from Monkees songs, etc.
I am not so smart.
For those of you in the CD Swap, The deadline to send them out is November 2.
As you may have noticed, 9622.net was down for much of Monday afternoon and evening. We had some problems with the database, and some entries got corrupted (y'know, cigarettes. swear words. the usual.) and Bad Things were happening all around.
Although it may look the same, 9622.net has an entirely new back-end. We wiped out the whole damn thing and installed the newest version of MovableType (v 2.5), this time using a MySQL database.
As you can see, we're having trouble recovering the last couple of weeks of threads. The data still exists (I think), it's just a matter of pulling it out of one hurtin'-ass database. (I encourage anyone experienced with berkeley databases, who thinks they might be able to help, to please contact us.) Hopefully, we can restore most or all of the missing weeks.
IMPORTANT: As part of the rebuild, the Authors database had to be rebuilt by hand and all the passwords had to be reset. This means that if you had posting privileges before the crash (not davis) you will need to reset your password before you can post again.
Now, I'm not going to post the default password here, for obvious reasons, and I really don't feel like digging up 40 email addresses to send it out to you all. So.... log in using the original default password--the one you were assigned when you first became a member. If you don't remember, try to find that original email. If you can't recall or can't find it, email us and we'll happily send it out to you.
Anyway, we're curious to see if the new back-end will help with the server errors we've been getting. If you get any error messages while trying to post or comment, please let us know in this thread.
So welcome back and sorry about the downtime and the (hopefully temporarily) lost entries. If you have any questions, please let us know.
--Da Admins
P.S. Go GIANTS!
How did we miss this special report about the four types of drinking monkeys? There's been a dearth of monkeys and booze on 9622.net recently and it's just not right.
Well here it is, the beginning of the cold and flu season, and I've already got cold number one, which I'm trying to keep at bay with lots of hot chocolate and tons of over-the-counter meds. I'd like to be at home in bed like our sick little simian friend in the picture, but unfortunately we're already two bodies short in our office this week, so it looks like I'll have to just tough it out.
Anyone have any good remedies for keeping me going for four ten-hour days until I can collapse into bed Thursday evening?
It just doesn't get much better than steak fajitas and midgets wtih artillery belts.
Wanna buy a vintage postcard?
If you don't like the Florida offerings, here's the rest of the U.S. states.
For Portugal, however, you have to go elsewhere.
[ Disclosure: this is a little like a self link, since I just finished making this site for my mate's artwork. But I just couldn't resist ... the lure of the post button was all too strong ...]
Francis Coppola's Rubicon this ain't: Olivia Newton-John now has her Koala Blue wine; hot on the heels of Cliff Richard's Vida Nova.
If every celebrity, dead or alive [check out the Janis Joplin Collection], had his or her own brand of hooch, beer or pop, where would it all end?
I can only think of the obvious ones, like Sinatra's "Gentleman Frank" for Jack Daniel's or Seinfeld's Frosties-flecked Snapple...
Help me pick a movie!
I can't decide what to go see this evening, so perhaps you have a suggestion.
Just view the options presented and pick your recommendation.
Thanks, monkeys!
Ladies and gentlemen, let's give it up for the bald uakari (Cacajao Calvus)!
You can learn more about this fascinating (albeit hideous and grotesque) monkey at http://www.animalinfo.org/species/primate/cacacalv.htm.
If you were a young woman or man about town in the Fifties; what car would you drive; what clothes would you wear; what sort of house would you live in; what magazine would you read; what music would you listen to; what cocktails would you drink? Here's a wonderful website, Fifties Boulevard, for inspiration!
100 search phrases which have brought people to 9622.net:
apple nipple monkey
cunniling
victorian porn
excrement picture sex
diving monkeys
monkey switch
rally monkey
almighty lumberjacks of death
fling poo
whiplash the cowboy monkey
monkey washing a cat
bunnyfire
selsen blue
ellen feiss nude
monkey diving
smoking monkeys
boners
famous monkeys through history
j.lo s pants bursting
disney tits
shft sex
big blue mathowie site down
camel toe pics
james traficant s hair
monkey coffee
little mermaid
thora birch cleavage
masturbating monkey
symbolism in waiting for godot
poo lovers
coffee from monkey poop
fishfucking
moms working at strip joints
scribblative
rainforest eagles monkey-eating
herb tarlek pictures
shlong
kukukuku gay
mom cleavage tits son
disney kkk
comments to write on a plaster cast
kids crossdressing
plastic vagina pics
picture of a sad girl with flowers
what the skipper looks like in canterbury tales
where does steve perry of journey reside
mexican donkey show
i had to be diapered for bed
how to speak jive
glenn danzig school picture
don quixote miguel cervantes english version volume 1 and 2 plain text version
has keisha knight pulliam ever been in porn?
kari wuhrer complicity
spanked cowboy fiction
pamplemousse simpsons
women s boobies
antonio sabato jr boots
mermaid sex
gina wild porn pics
stinking hippie fetish
masturbating at work
nipple twister game
woman breastfeeding a goat
what happened to soundgarden
picture of skeletor
william carlos williams influenced cartoons comics
43 man squamish
pleather pants images
ranya sex
pics of franz ferdinand in his car
miguel migs colourful
monkeys in love
monkey cowboy
cowboy monkey
purify your mind from masturbation
hate eagles photo
monkey with boner
dentist office monkey
what s a dragon s vagina look like?
lolita wedgie
big roosters fighting each other til death and show pictures
bengali boobies
women in neckties
assless chaps
monkey vibrators
resin birthday cake
pikachu lapdance
romakimmy?
spanking and shave bold girls for being bad
cat drinking beer picture
butterscotch zingers
girls gone wild
most beautiful tetas
monkey nipples
mattel vibrating broomstick harry potter
demon monkeys pics
bigboner
where is my monkey?
plastic jesus song
who flung poo? monkey
Hey, it's the celebriducks!
Yes, this is a spite post, to set the record straight but also to give credit where it's due. So crash posts it on MetaFilter today (and does give credit to memepool's post - also from today) - but without a mention of my own contribution to the genre from a full two months ago!! Ah, such is life. Anyway, I got the link from kafkaesque the month before.
Okay, I feel better now.
So, I finally discovered why I love this site so much:
This was one of my favorite books when I was about 2 years old. Best part was when it got to the climax of:
Millions of fingers. Millions of thumbs. Millions of monkeys, drumming on drums.
Can we imagine anything more adorable than millions of monkeys drumming on drums? Parents, buy this for your monkey children post-haste.
OK kids. Sorry about the delay on getting the emails out to you on the swap dealio, but I've been having email issues.
I'll be finalizing the lists as soon as I hear back from the people whose addresses I don't have (PardonPronoun, and Ufez). For the record, it's not their fault.
My inbox is all screwed up right now, because I switched computers and it's not going as planned.
We have 29 (wow) people participating. Right now I have it broken down like so:
Group 0:
YHBC
RakDaddy
PardonPronoun
Tizzie
Krimur
Walrus
Group 1:
Dong_resin
Readymade
Romakimmy
amberglow
FISHFUCKER!
Mr crash davis
Group 2:
Twos (?)
Unclefes
p-lo
-ebk
ColdChef
Marquis
Group 3:
Dejah
Whatnot
octobersurprise
anathema
Kafkaesque
Roobarb
Group 4:
TJ
Brittney
Scribblative
Jonmc
Ufez
If there any issues (like you were in the last 2 swaps with somone on your list, or you are on there twice, let me know please.
It's cheesy and it's frowned upon but it's delicious! Sounds like an advertisement for one of jonmc's junk snacks? No, it's just a humble request for your five favourite romantic comedies. Please include at least one embarrassing, corny and utterly sentimental item; one randy-making; one tear-jerking; one laughter-inducing and, most importantly, one which is romantic (or comedic) to no one but you!
[Yeah, this is a Saturday Night after-an-argument-with-the-wife Special!*]
*About Antonioni's Zabriskie Point, no less!
I think we should all be really proud of ourselves for the overwhelming majority of zany zingers on this list.
So, a few weeks ago I went on a date with Aw (Adam's wife) and I finally got the pictures developed. I've included my favorite one because I thought all y'all might be interested in what monkeys do when they meet in real life. No need to thank me. Just send money.
Ladies and Gentlemen, won't you please join me at Lupo's Heartbreak Hotel?
Man, 9622 is like a ghost town today.
So, I demand a thread about silliness. A thread where absolutely NOTHING is on topic, so it is impossible to derail it, except with perhaps actual thought.
Unfortunately, I only have an hour and 15 minutes left of work, so I ask you to work quickly, my pretties. Post. Post like the wind, old woman!